Is a marriage counsellor worthwhile?

[notme]

I wondered if anybody had gone through counselling, and whether they would recommend it. Currently DH thinks our relationship is dead, and that we no longer like each other, so why continue? He is very suspicious of counsellors (thinks they would be "stupid" - yes we are intelligent but should be able to find a counsellor at least as intelligent as we are). I don't even know where to start to find one, and is it worthwhile anyway? Any thoughts?

I know many would not turn to this idea but if you attend church then why not talk with your pastor/priest. In our church that is one of the things our pastor is there for and has helped many marriages stay together. I myself would not want to because of the personal basis but many do and it is a normal thing of counseling. As far as any type of counseling I think if you have problems talking about things togther alone then an unpartial person might be a good idea. Someone who does not know either of you. This way you will get fair counseling. I dont think its a bad idea if it helps let out a lot of the personal issues ruing your relationship. I would check around for maybe someone older who has been in the profession for a long time. If you are having serious problems and cant seem to solve them on your own together then outside help might be a good idea. You might be able to express more if there is someone like a mediator in the middle. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Try Relate. No experience myself (yet - watch this space!) But try and convinc him to at least try. I feel for you. Let us know what he says next.

Dear Notme,

Went to a relate counsellor with my dh some years ago when we had big problems with our marriage. First councellor, neither of us warmed to, although it might also have been timing as the situation between us was still very raw. Some months later, we tried again with a different relate counsellor and it worked much better. Going to counselling was not the reason we stayed together but it really helped us to talk together with someone completely neutral. Would really recommend it - you haven't anything to lose by trying.

notme, does your Health Centre offer any counselling services? It might be a good place to start - even if they don't do it themselves they might be able to point you in the right direction. You could ask your HV?

I don't know how worthwhile it is but I think it helps some people to say more of what they're feeling without emotion (theirs or partner's) getting in the way and without falling into the same arguments they always have - a good counsellor should be able to keep things calm and focused.

I hope it's just a bad patch. Good luck.

My DH & I went to Relate some years ago and it certainly helped to have a 'neutral' person involved in your discussions but you have both really want to go as if one does & the other only goes along for the sake of it, it's not going to be worth it. In addition to the counselling you both have to make a huge effort to be honest with each other and be prepared to make significant changes (sorry that sounds rather patronising, I am sure you are aware of all that!).

Relate do some very helpful books on rebuilding your marriage (or starting anew!!) which might be worth getting from the library.

Good luck

Notme - we've been to Relate - but only for a couple of sessions and to be fair our problems weren't serious - but I wasn't prepared to go round in circles as I felt my parents had done and wanted a neutral outsider to 'referee'/help dh unpack the problem ( I like talking he doesn't!).
Before getting an appointment with relate I did talk to a few other counsellors on the phone - just look in Yellow pages - many specialise in different areas and if you have the money to pay for it then you can choose from a wide range and find one you feel comfortable with.

The important thing (if you do get him to the door) is to be clear that if you don't get on with the counsellor, don't give up. Finding a councellor that you like is like finding a friend - not every person you meet you'll get on with.

Relate is very good (my Mum worked for them for many years) and I'd start there. If he won't come, why don't you go on your own? It's not just for couples. Their ethos is to guide you to discovering the roots of the problems that you (both) have and help you to solutions - there's no 'advice' given ie "you should do this", they just help you to find out what you really want and/or need.

Good luck with getting him to go. Good luck with going yourself. Whatever you decide, hope it turns out OK, notme.

Yes,
I would say they are definitely worthwhile. I have not had couple counselling myself but work in a related field and think at the least it'll help you two to talk to one another and say the things that are inevitably festering under the surface! Also even if it helps you two to come to the conclusion that the relationship is dead it will enable you to communicate about it with a third person there to help sort through things rather than screaming at one another across the kitchen table, or worse stewing in that horrible silence with an awful atmosphere in the house. Try Relate first but they often have waiting lists so if that is the case then look in Yellow Pages or Thomson under counselling services and make sure that whoever you contact is BAC accredited (British Association of Counselling). Hope you get on ok, lol

We are currently going to relate and would definately recommend it. For us it has helped to talk about things that we have ignored for years. It is not easy and at times you have to listen to your partner tell you things you really don't want to hear but I think it is really helping. We are currently about 4 weeks in and I would say at the 'things have got to get worse before they can get better' stage as so much pent up feelings have come out and we are only just beginning to move onto how things can get better. By that I mean us getting on as we used to, not necessarily saving our marriage.
One thing we have both learnt is that after each session we both needed time to ourselves, to wander round the shops or whatever to give each of us some breathing space and time to reflect a little.
I mean this to sound positive as for the first time I think we are being truly honest with each other and whatever happens I firmly believe we will stay best of friends through being able to talk at last. And this is from the one who never liked talking, DH being the one who never shut up!!
Our local Doctors Surgery also has a counsellor attached so that may be worth looking into.
I really hope that you manage to find someone to help you both. Take care.

Thanks everyone. Can't say I've got a strong chance of getting DH to the counsellor, but may be worth a go. At the moment he's rather up and down - and if I have some time may have a moan about this later on, as Mumsnet is a good substitute for counselling for me!! Can anybody tell me how much Relate costs?

Dear Notme
We went to Relate a few years back. They didn't specify a set charge, but I remember paying £20 per session (we only went twice)as a 'donation'. I gave my DH an ultimatum to get him there as I had already been to a solicitor etc. Although we only went twice, it definitely helped. We also were at the toddler stage with our children which is more than adequately described on 'the trouble with motherhood' thread. I think toddlers strain a partnership to breaking point. Well, things gradually got better, he decided he had too much to lose by separating, the children became older and although I don't think we will ever have a perfect marraige, we have a civilised relationship which is bound by our individual but overwhelming love for the kids. So, I would advise to try counselling. It may not cure your problems but it may help you focus on the real issues.
Best wishes, whatever the outcome.

Four years ago the 'suggested' rate was £30 an hour, which I think is incredibly expensive for a lot of people. I believe you can offer what is appropriate in your circumstances.

Being bitchy here but I had some friends who were significantly wealthier than DH & I yet 'negotiated' a much cheaper rate!

I agree that it often makes things worse before they get better - we had about 10 sessions in all but the 'honesty' policy was the best thing about it and has helped me in other relationships too, particularly with parents.

When we went, it was a bit like the subscription to this site, in that you donated what was reasonable for you. I think they recommended around £20 a session if that was ok. We also used to go out for a drink afterwards and there was the cost of a baby sitter. I think we went every 2 weeks - around 6-8 sessions in total. It helped to have a very specific time - councelling session plus drink - to talk over difficult issues rather than to keep bringing them up at home. It also showed us how much we had missed going out as a couple which sounds a bit sad!!

Hi,
saw your question, and I have to say it is definitely worthwhile going - if only just to explore every avenue. That way if the relationship does fail inspite of it, you can look in the mirror and know that you tried everything you could to make things work. I feel it is important however, that you both go with the right approach - as in trying to re-build the relationship, if that's what it needs. We went through Relate, ...this might sound like a trite suggestion - but the Yellow Pages also have a list of councellors. You can make initial enquiries without having to make either financial or time commitments. In our case councelling did not work for us. Mainly because he was looking for someone to side with him ... but that is another story. We have now separated, and have to say am a lot better off - my DS and I have a new and much happier home. Good luck with working things out.

The current relate rates in our area are £35 - £36 a 1 hour session. However this is only asked if you can afford it and if not they just ask you to give what you can afford. They are a charity, hence the fees are requested as a donation from you to help them.