How to cope with deployment?

[LemonTang]

I’m in a relationship that I’m really enjoying which I have been in for a year. It has progressed quickly but in a very natural way, no love bombing, we live together and he is truly a wonderful man who I see a future with.

I really dislike the military lifestyle and find myself a year in with 1.5-2.5 years to go. Found out yesterday that very soon he’ll be away for months.

He feels okay but some internal conflict because he’s wanted to do this type of work for a long time but also doesn’t want to be away for months. I feel like I want the best for him and for him to do what he’d like to with his career (not that he has much choice) but also that I hate long distance and there’s little in it for me other than supporting him to have the experiences he’s wanted.

In the long term this is such a short period to get through and we could have a lifetime of happiness. I want him to achieve everything he’d like to and be supportive, any tips for getting through all of this?

I was very upset last night and it made him feel guilty — I don’t want to be upset for me or him. My true feelings are that I feel like I want him to be happy, achieve everything he’d like and never hold him back. Simultaneously I feel like this is a really unpleasant lifestyle from my perspective and it’s vulnerable feeling like the only person who it upsets.

He’s done one other long-ish trip away in our relationship, he really didn’t enjoy it and did struggle whilst away but has such a lovely attitude to life that he got on with it. He’s hoping this one will be the experience he went into the army for and that he enjoys it.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

You need to put your feelings on the back burner, and let him know you’re happy for him to go. It will be fine once he’s gone, it’s the waiting to go that’s the killer.
I assume he was in the military when you got together, so you knew what you were getting into.
When is he planning on leaving, and would it be the end of the relationship if he stayed on her than you’d like/he said ?

Deployments are tough but survivable if you have your own life, work, friends etc. If you sit at home for 6 months pineing for them then it won't work as they will be worried about you the whole time rather than being focused on what they are there for. Remember all the training is done to allow them to deploy so many enjoy being deployed as they get to do it "in action" (depending on the risk of the deployment but many are low risk such as Canada)

You say they only have up to 2.5 years left, is that for definite? Things change a lot in the military with no notice and you might find things are different in a couple of years - how would you be with them staying in?

I've never wanted to get involved with the military lifestyle so we have always lived off camp and based where we live round my job as that was stable. It has meant periods going married unaccompanied and him commuting to the otherside of the country but has meant ive excelled in my career and our kids have very stable schooling

Not sure if that helps

Is it 2.5 years until he retires, or does he have that long left on his return of service and he has said he will leave then? Quite a big difference imo, if its the latter I wouldn't count on him leaving, not as he's being malicious but things change. Anyway, yes it is a crap lifestyle imo for partners, it used to be better when there was more of a community feel if living on the patch, but that seems to have disintegrated a bit. If you aren't involved in the military community at all its even worse, I made the mistake of having a child with someone in the military and its crap. But yes keep yourself occupied, arrange stuff with friends, join clubs or whatever if they appeal and just have to get through it really. It's usually not as bad as the thought of it when it actually comes around, I used to find him getting home actually a bigger challenge.

well, your probably going to have be long distance for some of the time he continues to be in, as unmarried partners don't usually qualify for housing, so I assume he's currently local and you are living in your place. Where you have roots? Or are you fairly newly there to?

It's not easy to trail, other than as a spouse

Its also somewhat harder to access welfare support, but at least it's not the hard 'no' that it used to be. how well do you know the other halves of his colleagues - do you have any RL allies going through the same?

Do make a chuff chart (calendar count down to when he's back) and make a real effort to appreciate anything that's better when solo.

(There was a brilliant thread a few years ago about coping with deployment, but with the demise of AS its not possible to find and link it, unfortunately)

he’s wanted to do this type of work for a long time but also doesn’t want to be away for months

Being away for months is part of being in the military, so I'm not sure what he means by that. They go away - that's what the job is about and I'm sure he would have known this going in. It isn't easy being the partner of someone in the military - you do spend a lot of time waiting for them to come home but if you love them, it's worth it. It helps if you know some other partners , so you don't feel so alone. Good luck op.

DH isn't in the military but had to deploy for 6 months a couple of years ago. We have 2 children (5 and 9 at the time), had just moved into a wreck of a house and after 2 decades of marriage, had never been apart for more than a couple of weeks.

I really enjoyed it! It was bloody hard at first of course but friends whose husbands were in the military assured me that I'd find my groove and fall into a routine. And they were right. I had lots more free time to myself and I went to choir, did a lot of exercise, rode my bike, went out with friends, wrote, drew, renovated a house etc. And I had two children to guide through the process so was pretty busy.

The difference for me was that I had a long-term, stable marriage to rely on and it was a one off. My main concern would be that he chose this life. I've known and know too many people who say they'll leave the military for partners who don't like the lifestyle. Predominantly, they never do.

No, I don’t know any other partners. I own my house in the area he is based, and have my own full life, although I am keen to move up north.

Uniquely, he is a specialist professional in the army so this lifestyle would only be for 1.5 years more even if he stayed in.

I did know what he did and nearly ended it at the beginning because I thought it wouldn’t suit me. However, I felt like he was worth it and I still do.

When I met him he hadn’t started this bit of his career and didn’t know what it would entail or how it would feel. His deployments were supposed to be only about a month at a time due to his specialist profession. He thought he really wanted this career but then hated his last deployment — it was boring and he missed home. Hopefully, this one is more interesting and gives him the opportunity to do some meaningful work.

Rightly or wrongly, it feels bizarrely like a break-up and he’s moving out. The last bigger trip was a couple of months and I struggled with him feeling like a bit of a stranger when he got back. I’m not good at this at all — are there any books or similar that I can read and improve my thought patterns around it all? I want to grow and be the best person I can in this relationship.

I'm not the partner , I'm the mum in this situation

It's bloody tough , I've had to comfort 2 girls ( not at the same time ) who have sat at home waiting for my son to come home

Unfortunately he was having a whale of a time away with the lads so be sure where your boundaries are .

He finally grew up and settled but it's def not easy and the more senior they become the harder it gets.

I've been an Army wife now for 12 years. (And fiancee/girlfriend before that)

The first thing you need to accept is the Job comes First. They will disappear at inconvenient times, have leave at odd times, cancel leave at last minute, suddenly announce they are moving country... and you need to just roll with it.

Deployments... you just need to get on with home life. Not let on you are pining for them... go out with friends, jobs, hobbies etc. Then when they come home, listen to what they need... night out, quiet weekend away etc. Yes it is sort of getting to know them again.

Good luck. Having friend that understands helps... if needs be post on the Forces Sweethearts board on here and there's a few Forces wives/partners around that will chat.

6 years left for us now. Just in time for him to move back into a house of teenage girl hormones (our DDs wi be 16and 15 when he retires!)

I've found its actually quite enjoyable as long as you have things to be getting on with, more so pre kids!! I used the time to take up a load of hobbies, do work on the house, see friends, and basically do all the bits and bobs I'd not had time for before.

It does take a little while to get in to though, I found we always had a big fight a day or two before he left because emotionally speaking apparently it helps you protect your feelings to be almost glad they're gone. Mine would make sure I knew he was thinking of me while he was gone which helped, I'd get loads of pics on WhatsApp when he could and the occasional postcard or bunch of flowers in the post. Then the first week or two back are weird as you readjust to having them round all the time. That's also the time to be a bit careful - unplanned pregnancies just after deployments are REALLY common.

It's also worth knowing most people in the forces have a years notice so if he's leaving in 1.5 years he needs to be signing off in 6 months. If he doesn't, he's not leaving.

Good luck! It's not an ideal lifestyle but it's worth it for the right person. The right person being the person who will give it up for you when you need them to....