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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with intense paranoia after being cheated on

12 replies

Ithastogetbetter · 22/04/2022 23:21

Hi all, I guess the title says it all!
After being cheated on (affair, not one night stand), I decided to give him one chance. We've been together 25 yrs and have 2 children. I've made it clear that any further contact with her and it's over. I'm devastated inside but do want to try.
But I am so paranoid that I'm on edge every day. I know I can't live like this because what's the point if I'm forever wondering, but I feel like it's taking over my life, so what I'm really asking to those who have been in a similar position, is how do I manage this awful paranoia? I know that it'll take time for any kind of trust to come back, but I'm overthinking everything and I'm basically driving myself mad. Any advice would be welcome, thanks.

OP posts:
Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 23:47

I'm sorry you had to go through this, it sounds quite fresh still. I've been in a similar situation, I remember having the extreme paranoia however I just focused on me. Found something I loved, didn't make it all about them. It got easier over time, for me it never completely went away though. I hope you feel better soon x

Cookingutensil · 22/04/2022 23:51

But it's not paranoia, is it? Paranoia is an irrational fear, your fear is entirely justified based on actual events. The first question is, what if anything could your partner do to enable you to trust him? And secondly, is he willing to do it?

It seems like you are placing the burden of his infidelity on yourself. You're not 'driving yourself mad', you've been horribly betrayed by someone you trusted.Your emotions are not to blame here, they're entirely normal and are there to protect you from further hurt. Again, what is OH doing to make this better? The current situation sounds unsustainable and detrimental to your health.
Take care of yourself.

frozendaisy · 23/04/2022 03:12

You tell your lying, unfaithful excuse of a husband exactly what you need.

And he does it or you split.

ZealAndArdour · 23/04/2022 03:34

Leave the relationship.

Sunflowergirl1 · 23/04/2022 03:43

Happened to my friend. She did like you and tried but after 5 years was no better for her. To be fair he had done everything she asked but it was eating away at her and she felt she couldn't go on. Would have been easier to but she became resolute. He was gutted but knew ultimately was his fault.

Oh...and she is happily remarried now and wishes she had not wasted five years of her life trying

Sofacouchboredom · 23/04/2022 06:53

You will be in shock, you'll be struggling with hyper vigilance, mind movies and intrusive thinking.

You're NOT paranoid, you KNOW you are unsafe. He has made you feel unsafe. He has put you at risk emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually.

The onus is on HIM not you, to build the walls up around your relationship and do everything he can to ensure you feel safe again.

I have no idea how soon it is after finding out BUT be very wary of a cheat in the few months following discovery. They are not to be trusted AT ALL. You are looking for remorse, not regret. They will often still be blame shifting, mimimising, using words like 'mistake' and lying by omission.

Not just friends' by Shirley glass and 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair' are great books to get started so you can tell him what you need to feel safe again and to recognise remorse. The second is not very long and easy to read. Affair recovery videos are great too, and surviving infidelity forum has lots of threads on this. Worth a look.

I will say though that when I was 'paranoid' after finding out about my husbands affair, it was for a reason. He was still involved with his affair partner, saying the right things to me but still messaging and sneaking.

I'm happily reconciled now, but those days were worse than the affair itself.

Do not throw yourself back into staying until you know he is doing everything to ensure you feel as safe as possible!

Flowers
Moomeh · 23/04/2022 06:53

How long ago was it? If it was very recent, I think that's normal to feel that way. But things can get much better over time, my relationship did (I was the one who did the affair). I'd say it took around six months before we were really calm but there were still happy days among the sad ones.

I know more than one marriage among my friends that has survived an affair. These things are more common than people think. Imo it's not as unforgivable as say, DV or hitting the kids.

One thing that helped after the initial turmoil was me talking a lot with my dh - not usually about our feelings about the affair, we didn't want to keep going back to that after the first few months - but I would start giving him funny anecdotes from my day etc and text him more often in the working day. So he knew that I was thinking about him and not the OM, and so he wasnt getting into a thought spiral wondering if i was seeing him again or someone else. It was a tough time but we got through it and are really happy now (we ttc more recently and had dd).

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 06:55

Kick him out. Sorted.

Moomeh · 23/04/2022 06:55

I should have said at the start of my post, I'm really sorry this happened. When I said this can be common, I didn't mean that it isn't still truly awful. It was really traumatic for my dh and me. I'm sorry you're going through it

Thewookiemustgo · 24/04/2022 14:11

I echo @Sofacouchboredom.
Your feelings are valid, you don’t feel safe and secure yet. He needs to prove to you that you are, and just saying it is not enough. The burden is on him to make you feel safe, not on you to stop worrying about it. The worrying will die down and eventually fade away as and when he shows you, by his actions and concern for you, that he is a safe partner to be with.
Again, as Sofa says, in the first few weeks after an affair, especially one that he did not think you would ever discover, he will continue to lie, minimise and say pretty much anything to try to save his ass. If he is committed to saving your marriage, as he sees what he has really done to everyone, this will stop, and he will see what he has to do, but in the early stages he is in panic-damage-limitation mode, and because he is so used to lying, he will lie, OP.
Affairs usually end very messily indeed and lying is a way to try to control the now out of control mess (of his own making) and the people caught up in it. If a quick lie now stops that spinning plate from falling whilst he runs to catch another, he’ll do it. Anything to stop them all crashing down to earth. If OW is now desperate she will have turned up the volume and pressure, and if he feels badly about how he has treated her, he will minimise and lie to her to, to try to ‘let her down gently’. Lie to you to stop you leaving him, lie to her to stop her getting angry and upset and possibly make it worse for him with youx
Cheats never have a plan for being discovered. Unless they want to be discovered, because they are using the affair as an excuse to end their marriage, they usually think they were never going to get caught and the idiots are absolutely blindsided when they actually do. The ensuing panic means knee-jerk crisis management, which is when costly lies are told and huge mistakes are made and trust further eroded, more damage done.
Protect yourself now, make sure you know that it truly is over with OW, no reconciliation can start until you know she is history and deleted/blocked. Make that your non-negotiable red line.
After that, he needs to give up his privacy for a while and be totally accountable for everything: his whereabouts and reasons to be there, his timings, access for you to every device he owns, (yes, I know he can still get round this, even if OP sees his phone, but an unwillingness to do so is a huge red flag so ask and see what his response is) full access to all financial statements, and a full, frank account of what happened, where, and how and when it ended. Set out your stall of what you need to feel better, exactly what your red lines are and what will happen if they are ever crossed, and stick to it and be prepared to follow it through, however scary that is.
The way out of the feelings you are experiencing are through his behaviour, his actions, his total acceptance of responsibility for the whole thing, his remorse (not guilt, guilt is about him feeling bad for what he did, remorse is him feeling bad for hurting you) and his continual ongoing efforts to be an open, honest man. If he can’t or won’t do this, OP, save yourself the misery and ask for a separation at the very least. There is no point even trying to reconcile if he makes this about himself, it’s his responsibility to make you feel safe, his responsibility for destroying your trust, his responsibility to help you heal from the terrible damage he has done to you.
Don’t blame yourself for still feeling ‘paranoid’ (you’re not paranoid, your brain is still in flight or flight mode because of the trauma of his betrayal. It’s a normal response and not a weakness or defect) it is a consequence of his wrong choices that you feel like this. The ball is therefore in his court to help you out, do not feel bad about yourself for having a normal human response to betrayal. His character defects caused your constant anxiety and hyper vigilance, not yours. Take care of yourself, I know those feelings and I’m so sorry xx💐

Catlover1970 · 25/04/2022 07:40

I’m sorry this has happened. From my personal experience once the trust has gone the relationship is over. I tried to give my ex another chance but I, like you was hyper vigilant every time he went out, took a phone call etc. I couldn’t live like that so I ended it and now married to an honorable bloke who wouldn’t even think about cheating. Do yourself a favour and end it

wakeupandshakeup · 25/04/2022 11:40

Sadly from my own person experience once you had been cheated on the trust is broken for good. I tried to forgive and forget, it's really difficult to do and the amount of lies Was just too much for me to take. I've wasted 4 years trying to forgive and move on in my marriage but it hasn't worked. Some say time can heal, others like me know the harsh reality of their partners actions and the hurt it can cause. I wish you well xx

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