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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does he like me ?

25 replies

Lm404061 · 22/04/2022 20:25

What happened? I was looking for a life coach /therapist to assist with a phobia. I found a guys website but really fancied him. Emailed saying how I had come across his website, but that instead I would like to meet for a drink. I was fairly forward in the message. he agreed we met, he bought me an alcoholic drink. Only problem is he launched into talking about therapy ect pretty quick and said he could only meet for 30 mins, we left after this time. He made some proposals about sessions ect. I was thinking it was more of a get to know you on a social level drink. He was a little flirty, saying I could be a film star, suggesting I do zoom therapy with him in my dressing gown. But he ended it so abruptly and business like. Left feeling very confused. On chatting we realised we were both about to go on holiday for the next couple of weeks so I emailed saying thanks for the evening, let me know if you want to catch up after our holidays. No reply yet but we are not back off holiday yet. Can anyone shed any light on what he might be thinking or whether he is thinking romantically or purely professionally and just sees me as a potential client?

OP posts:

SheAndHerAreWomen · 22/04/2022 20:28

Gosh that was rather forward/brave of you! I wouldn't have a clue what's going on there to be honest but would love to know the outcome.

I think I've seen everything on here, but this is another level

Blinkingheckythump · 22/04/2022 20:34

This sounds insane. You need to walk away

ShandaLear · 22/04/2022 20:38

Sounds like he realised half way through that you really did need therapy and came to his senses.

Greatoutdoors · 22/04/2022 20:41

He couldn’t have a relationship with you and offer you therapy. That would be very unethical and inappropriate. It’s not clear from your OP if you want him to provide therapy, so maybe he isn’t sure what you want either and walked away from some very blurred boundaries that would cause him issues professionally.

AWOL66 · 22/04/2022 21:18

This all sounds a bit of a strange scenario to me which you should just learn from and avoid redoing! The fact he'd only meet for half an hour sounds like he thought it was meeting to talk about therapy options not a date. He may have been surprised and a bit uncomfortable when you flirted thinking he was meeting work related and found it awkward not to say something flirtatious back so just gone with it. It sounds like you may have bad anxiety going on which can really affect your hippocampus and so decision making and judgment of what to do in what contexts. I say this as someone who's had it myself NOT with any kind of judgment. Most people would feel unease in approaching someone in that way as he wasn't on a dating site and wouldn't be necessarily as confused so I question if your judgment's a bit out from anxiety (which displays itself in many forms such as phobias). This can make you vulnerable to putting yourself in or finding yourself coerced into these kinds of uncomfortable or even potentially sinister situations. I'd focus on easing your phobia not men for now and really stick to boring run of the mill un film-worthy ways of meeting people in future! haha When you're feeling less anxious your self esteem and sense of worth is way higher and everything seems much easier.

seensome · 22/04/2022 21:56

You looked for a therapist you fancied and tricked him into having a drink with you, as you had a date in mind while he was hoping for a new client, it's creepy behaviour. He won't be interested in you romantically.

Deedee121 · 22/04/2022 22:12

Honestly I'd forget about him and look for a female therapist. Best of luck

IsDaveThere · 23/04/2022 15:10

He sees you as a potential client.

I think you need to find a different therapist and leave this one alone! Emailing via his professional website and asking for a date is just plain weird and just sounds like you trawl the net looking for potential victims dates.

Kitten2 · 23/04/2022 15:21

Is he single?

Why did he have to rush off? If it was going really well he would have stayed. Or confirmed a next time.

AloofFoof · 23/04/2022 16:03

How do you know he is single op?

I would gently suggest that you visit a website such as better help to find a therapist and chose one on their experience. When you are ready, there are lots of different dating or hook up apps that are more appropriate ways of meeting people.

lilkiki · 23/04/2022 16:04

Sounds like a brief overview of an erotic novel

5128gap · 23/04/2022 16:45

He is highly inappropriate. He met you thinking he could talk you into being a paying customer and knowing you fancied him, threw little crumbs of flirting at you to seal the deal. The only way you'll see him again is if you get your cash out. Which would be an incredibly bad idea. Forget him, join a dating site, and look for a woman therapist.

AWOL66 · 28/04/2022 10:49

I've just been reading through threads I commented on and wanted to say I don't think what you did was creepy or weird in the slightest. My take on things was in meeting people in less standard ways (especially when having anxiety) you can run the risk of being targeted yourself by creepy people or feeling confused by others reactions and losing self esteem which has happened to me. Dating itself is notoriously confusing for people and full of misunderstandings for all of us anyway so don't feel your idea was way out there - I just thought it showed more confidence than most and could stem from underlying anxiety. That therapist may have been married or have misunderstood your motives but equally could be a creep and pray on you knowing you have anxiety. For me work is work and that's that and I think it's the most ethical way of being. I hope you're having a better week 💖

Justcallmebebes · 28/04/2022 11:01

^This. In spades. You behaved very weirdly and he behaved very unprofessionally

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/04/2022 11:15

If the sexes were reversed here, you would be coming across as incredibly predatory. Did he know you were asking him on a date?

I have long believed that women who have issues with relationships, attachment styles, etc, should seek a therapist to whom there will be no possibility of forming an attraction. (So a female therapist, if you're straight.)

For me, when I was in those unhealthy patterns, a male therapist would have led me to develop unhelpful behaviours within sessions like presenting as the "damsel in distress", or trying to become "teacher's pet" purely because I wanted their approval, rather than a genuine desire to improve my self. If the therapist had then explained that was inappropriate or ended the sessions, I'd have experienced that as rejection and ended up in a worse situation than I'd started in.

I really recommend looking for an experienced female therapist who can help you grow and heal.

PollyIndia · 28/04/2022 11:44

Exactly what evenmorefurious said - if this was a man doing this to a female therapist, it would be rightly viewed as completely predatory. I'm totally easy asking men out if I meet them out and about and feel we have a connection, but the minute there is a relationship such as a therapist relationship, even if you've met and fancy them, it just becomes inappropriate, and actually you should change therapist. I'm actually pretty gobsmacked at this.

PollyIndia · 28/04/2022 11:45

I don't think you can accuse HIM of being inappropriate based on the OP!

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 12:03

Stay away from people who make you feel confused.

AWOL66 · 28/04/2022 13:44

Predatory to do what? Go on a date?! She asked him on a date advertising it as a date when he wasn't her therapist. She wasn't tricking him or trying to force him into anything. I think it was a bad idea and one to avoid in future but it wasn't predatory going on what she said!

MatchPoint100 · 28/04/2022 14:00

Not interested is my thoughts. Plus he offered services, so it's a no no.

Original poster

Lm404061 · 28/04/2022 17:49

Hi all OP here thanks for all of your messages.
Just for clarification, I did already knew of this therapist as a colleague (high profile in my industry) and used the therapy website as a way to meet him (I never wanted therapy with him). Our pre meet emails briefly discussed where I worked.
I realised after this was a bad idea / approach.
Also when I emailed after seeing if he wanted to meet after our holidays I did say that on reflection the therapy wasn’t for me but thanked him for his time.
I did make it clear originally it would be a date and on reflection I think he either agreed to the date but changed his mind on meeting me. Or what a couple of people said about him knowing I fancied him and trying to persuade me to be a client. He is a very new therapist so can’t imagine he has had many clients yet.

Thanks again ladies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lm404061 · 29/04/2022 10:43

thank you 😊

OP posts:

NorthernPlights · 29/04/2022 10:55

Is he high profile in your industry or very new? Your posts seem quite contradictory.

Original poster

Lm404061 · 29/04/2022 11:02

NorthernPlights · 29/04/2022 10:55

Is he high profile in your industry or very new? Your posts seem quite contradictory.

High profile in my industry, but new to being a therapist. He has two jobs.

OP posts:

AWOL66 · 05/05/2022 17:30

Just to say thanks for the update and good luck in your therapy and dating. I too could do to to get out there again on both (the dread haha) :-)

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