Total head mess of a relationship with a friend

[Lifegoalsneeded]

My ex and me been close friends since our breakup 3 years ago - more do in last 1& months. We are best friends and spend lots of
time together. He is always helping me and we text multiple times a day.

we are both single and active on dating sites. We both don’t have luck at all. Both moan to each other a describe each other as our perfect matches. Attraction is there but we have never made a move. I am unsure and to be honest scared we will lose our friendship.

He has not had much luck with woman and media saying I was the only normal person he has gone out with. He said he would never go out with someone who doesn’t drive or has more than 1 child. Also said he wouldn’t date someone who in his eyes has a bad horrible relationship with their kids father, as he says it can cause issues. That’s his deal breaker.

He always says he mentions me to dates. Said if they had a problem he wouldn’t date them. But I don’t think they know we dated.

So I called him and interrupted a date tonight. His latest girl has 4 kids, lost her drivers license when she ram raided her exes car as he cheated on her with her best friend. Total opposite of what he wants. Said he’d was unsure if he wanted to date her. But now on date 3.

i said thought you weren’t going to go out with her as she was your deal breaker. The first thing he said to me was why not, you are seeing a guy - I went on 2 dates with said guy and don’t want to see him again. he then said I told her about you and she is fine with you being my best friend.

He then said I told her I was going out for a night out next week with you and she is fine, although I haven’t said I was staying at yours yet - in spare room.

What is odd is that he kept mentioning my date last week whilst he was on a date. He also last week kept mentioning sliding door moments. Like what would of happened if we hadn’t met or if he hadn’t turned up at my door during lockdown for support. He had a breakdown during lockdown in 2021 and that is how we reconnected as he turned up at my house in a state. I helped with his recovery and we became really close. I said we wouldn’t be sat here today. He faked proposed to me a few weeks ago after a random conversation about being alone in our old age.

i feel there are games being played by him. He is going out on lots of dates but nothing sticks. I joked and said she hits all the criteria of his perfect girl and it’s love. He said it’s not, it’s just dating.

Its not normal to discuss me on dates and to bring up my dating history? What’s going on.

He doesn't know what he wants. And he's treating you like a fallback girl. He probably knows you want more than friendship, and enjoys the attention from you.

‘Fallback girl’ yep, this exactly.

walk away - you don’t view him as just a friend and he doesn’t view you as more than an ego boost. You’re there to provide him with support and be backup to make him feel better about himself.

You're his back up plan. He gets attention, emotional intimacy, an ego boost etc from you without committing to you. If he wanted you to be his gf, again he'd have suggested it. The minute he meets someone he really really likes, he won't need you and the friendship will fizzle out.

You obviously have romantic feelings for him or you wouldn't care what he tells his dates or you and certainly wouldn't be posting about it. Cut contact with him, and focus on your own life. You won't meet anyone if he's always hanging around.

Do you want anything with him?

I suspected this. He wanted to see a band in November and I joked last week that we may not be friends if he meets someone. He said I will always be there. I come befire any relationship- which I found weird.

Ages ago he said he wouldn’t ask anyone out who he hadn’t met in a dating site as he was scared of rejection and losing a friend. He just goes from one girl to the next ignoring the red flags till I point them out.

Also I wouldn't believe him when he says he talks about you to his dates. He's likely just telling you that so you don't move on yourself. It's very unlikely you come up in their conversations - he's making you feel like you're the priority when really he's just messing you around.

I have said this to him. Even told him we need to distance ourselves as it’s stopping us moving on. He says no I am important to him. always tells me he has mentioned me to his dates.

But he says not. His daughter says he talks about me all the time.

Why did you break up with him 3 years ago?

He’s telling you what you want to hear and you’re hoping we’ll all say he secretly loves you and you should get together over a bottle of wine and some romantic music. If you want to date him you need to ask him on a date. At least if he says no you’ll know where you stand.

Meh. Very few people can be friends with an ex - the lines are too blurred.

If you want him to stop seeing other people, tell him how you feel & tell him it's time to (sorry) shit or get off the pot.

If you're not interested, let it go.

Honestly, I think this was a 'friend's for a season' thing during COVID. It sounds too messy back in the real world.

I would agree friends during covid and drift apart. But we haven’t. We spent Xmas and new year together.

I don’t know what I want from him. Unfair of me to ask him to stop dating when I don’t know. Lines are blurred as we are ingrained in each others lives.

we broke up due to circumstances. Nothing nasty.

Question

Why are you dating him when you know he’s seeing other women a giving you a blow by blow ( no pun intended) account of his exploits.
Discussing previous relationships is a big turn off for me and I’m sure most others.

@Crazykatie i am not dating him. We are close friends

What are his positive and negative sides?

Sometimes we set our expectations (like he thought originally no more than 1 child:) and then he meets a lady with 4 children and keeps dating her.

Be honest, please, do you feel jealous he is dating this lady and he was dating other women before that but not you? I would be if I liked and fancied him romantically more than just my close friend.

Why do you think you don't know if you like him more than a friend or want him back in your life?

When I was dating I was very clear in my head I liked and loved my then bf, my now husband of 17 years, and really wanted to marry him and have a baby with him (our son is 15).

But I understand that everyone is different and it takes time to date and to get to know the person better and the fact if he would be good for you as your potential True Soulmate, life partner/husband, and your good match.

The way to look at it is - if he was secretly in love with you, he wouldn't be dating other women. Because even if he was shy/afraid of rejection, he'd have everything he needed from you. Emotional intimacy, deep friendship, companionship - why would he need to be dating other women? And if he just wanted sex - he'd be going on casual hook up dates, where he wouldn't need to talk about you. And he certainly wouldn't be telling you of them!

If a man is in love with you, he isn't interested in dating others regularly and talking to his love interest about them.....

I think he's lonely and needy and until he finds a new gf, is heavily dependent on you. The only way to know for sure is to go on a date with him. See how you both feel. Tbh I don't think you're interested in him romantically either - you're just worried that he will move on leaving you behind. It's a codependent friendship for 2 lonely people who don't really have feelings for each other but are staying together until they meet someone else. Except you can't meet anyone when you're in this situation.