There is a lot of background and I do think DH is a narcissist and verbally abusive but I think we maybe are both codependent and also I wonder if I am being abusive back.
This happened today. DH is not feeling well and has been grumpy for days. We have a young baby and so I have been doing everything alone. I usually do most things but have had zero help as he is unwell but understand that is not his fault. I am trying to do what I can to keep him comfortable like taking him drinks, buying food he likes, cooking, not asking for any help and doing all the things that he usually does like feeding the dogs and putting bins out.
He often makes sarcastic comments or just responds nastily to mundane things I say. I have been shopping and he started looking at what I bought.He complained about me buying certain things as there is no space. I said I'd sort it. He carrier on. Then he tried some cheese we haven't had before. I asked if it is nice. He said "you've had cheese before haven't you?" I said I'd bought dog food, as he had told me before that we were nearly out. He said "you've told me 5 times that you bought dog food. Tell me again". I didn't say it 5 times but if I repeated myself I clearly didn't listen.
I asked him each time to please not be rude to me. He said he isn't being rude. I asked how he'd respond if his mum or a friend asked if he liked the cheese. He said he'd said yes I liked it. I realise it's mundane conversation but surely we all talk like that sometimes?? It escalated and he walked away but had denied being rude. I then made a comment to the baby about daddy being a rude bastard. Wrong I know but I feel so frustrated when he speaks to me like that and he won't discuss it. He then came back and told baby I am a bitch and then made a comment I cannot remember and went upstairs. I was not able to respond.
I then went upstairs. Again. I should have left it but I was upset. I am upset. I said why do you speak to me like this? I know you're not feeling well but I am doing everything I can for you. I didn't mention that I am also under pressure doing everything in the house alone when I am not feeling great either and baby is upset as also got a cold. I said I haven't done anything wrong so not sure why he thinks I deserve being spoken to like this.
He then said I please leave me alone. I said why is it ok for you to speak to me like that then you refuse to discuss it. He then started getting very worked up shouting please fuck off and leave me alone and hiding under the covers.
It is common for him to put his head under the covers or lock the door or simply walk away if he doesn't like what I am saying but he does not see a problem in walking into my office and saying what he wants. He doesn't stop or leave if I ask.
He can never admit he has done anything wrong. I can't be sure whether he genuinely doesn't know but he tells me to watch how I speak to him when I'm not even being rude.