Your parent is abusive, but that is offset by the nice things they’ve done

[Anon778833]

This is a load of rubbish isn’t it?

Of course. I’d argue that the nice things are part of the abusive, controlling behaviour.

Yes. Classic narcissism. Abusive on the daily, but buy you gifts and take you places so they must be good people.

Hence the reason But We Took You To Stately Homes is such a great thread title... and why it's such a long-lasting thread. It really sums up the sentiments of narcissistic abusers. All the great and wonderful things they've done for you and all the nice shit they've bought you is supposed to cancel out the minuscule amount of pain caused by abuse (but it's not abuse in their opinion. People like them aren't abusers). At least, that's what abusers hear inside their echo chambers.

In my case it’s not only my parents who have this attitude but also a supposed ‘friend’. The sentiment that things families do for one another can cancel out bullying, nasty behaviour triggered me and I got annoyed. His response to this was ‘you like a debate’. I don’t think this is a friend, now.

My parents just aren’t emotionally healthy people. If my mum takes something as a criticism, she flies into a rage, vowing to take revenge on the person who said it. And it’s always disproportionate to the supposed criticism.

I have had my doubts about him anyway since he started propositioning me.

The friend, that is.

Think of it like a glass of water, how much crap would have to be in it before you decided you'd just not drink it and would get a different one?

Your friend doesn’t sound that different from your parents. I say that as someone who had an abusive mother - I realise I tend to attract friends etc who are similar to her. Something to be aware of.

I agree. I grew up with an abusive mother and she acts like being nice changes it. Hope ur ok op x

By that logic, if your partner beats you to a pulp but also buys you designer handbags the two cancel each other out and you should accept the beatings.

Yes it’s rubbish. It minimises abuse. Abusers are not abusing 100% of the time, 24 hrs a day. They are human after all, they take breaks. And I agree much of the nice things they do are coldly calculated to either assuage their guilt if they have any, or to gaslight and control their victims.

Think of it like a glass of water, how much crap would have to be in it before you decided you'd just not drink it and would get a different one?

I love this… !

of course, families can’t exactly be replaced, but there comes a point when enough is enough and you can say ‘no more’.

The person I’ve excluded from my life was always telling me how lovely they are and all the lovely things they’d done for me. Mostly a fantasy.

Someone said to me once that living in an abusive household is like living in a warm bath that someone has pissed in. It might look like warm, inviting and like the bath will take care of your needs, but it's actually got piss in it. There is no way you can leave that environment without getting piss on you. Nobody leaves the situation unscathed. And just because it looks like a nice bubble bath you've been raised in (or nice home) it's still really full of piss. Also that because there is only a bath and no toilet, everyone has to piss in the bath. So even though initially there may have been one abuser, you all become abusers and abused, the pissers and the pissed on.

This.

Yes. I’m also autistic which makes it even harder to navigate these social things. If I get annoyed when he’s being dismissive of me, he says that I’m getting angry and we can’t discuss it any more.

I definitely attract the wrong people. It’s a nightmare, actually.

The “nice” stuff is an active part of the abuse - it’s manipulation and gaslighting to reel you back into emotional punching distance.

Keep well away.

Don't get annoyed when he is dismissive of you - just walk - don’t give anyone a second chance to treat you anything less than respectfully, politely and kindly. The same way you treat others.

You don’t deserve anything less. Clear out the clutter of dysfunctional people in order to make room for nicer people to engage with so you can have respectful friendships.

Yes. I’ve had very few romantic relationships where the other person wasn’t abusive.

It’s particularly tough when the abusive parent is an excellent grandparent.

Oh jesus this worry never even occurred to me. When do kids realise their parent is abusive?

When do kids realise their parent is abusive?

Sometimes never. Emotional abuse is hard to recognise when it’s the blueprint you have grown up with and runs alongside caregiving and nurture, and when there is none of the more obvious abuse such as violence or sexual abuse.

My dh is completely no contact with his abusive family and my own abusive mum died in 2019. So we have literally no family at all. And that’s quite odd - people don’t really understand it. But it’s far better to have no one at all than to have people in your lives that are there but aren’t really “there” or who actually make things worse by pretending to give a shit when they don’t.