Spoken to like shit by family

[ChampagneJustBecause]

Does anyone else get spoken to like shit by both their mother and their own teenagers ?

Im constantly working in the home, running round after everyone making sure we all have a lovely place to live in with nice meals, catering to their days out, taxiing them and their friends around, working full time to pay for everything, looking after all the pets, doing all the laundry, shopping EVERYTHING, and yet get spoken to worse than the dog ?
Ive been NC with DM for a month for exactly this. I’m fed up of it.
Rant over, for now.

you are martyring yourself OP

I don’t allow people to speak to me like shit. Maybe try that.

OP, if you behave like a servant, they will treat you like one.
You sound like a people pleaser - you are spoiling them rotten, catering to their every need, hoping that they will love and appreciate you. But it is also important that they respect you - and it sounds like they don’t, they treat you with contempt.
You need to respect yourself first, to gain the respect of others.
Start meeting your own needs, get the kids to do their own chores, make them responsible for a fair share of housework, give yourself time off for hobbies, meeting your friends etc. Insist on being spoken to respectfully. Teenagers are self centred, but you can turn this around if you are firm, self assertive and consistent. Good luck!

Lose your shit with them.
Teenagers are often unaware of nuance and are trying to be cool. 40 years on I vividly remember getting it wrong several times. I thought I was expressing my needs/ being sophisticated/ being funny. My mum quite rightly pulled me up sharpish. Can’t remember if I did the same with mine, they can be a bit teasy and eyerolly but not rude, and they’ve all been unimpressed by peers who are rude and careless with their parents.

Also pick your battles. I’m hopeless housekeeper and I’ve always had more time- I work 3 days vs school/ university/ work. I never had them doing chores. As a result I have 3 non domesticated but kind and gainfully employed strong graduates. On occasion when they’ve moved home (lockdown, long university holidays) there’s some recalibration but generally they visit and everyone’s lovely.

Why are you allowing your teenagers to speak to you like that? If they don't treat you with respect you don't cook for them, you don't cook meals for them and you tell them why. End of story. But if you act like a doormat, they'll treat you like one. Same with your mother. Boundaries and respect are what you need.

I know I’m setting the tone but my childhood home was so chaotic and always waiting for the next row between my parents. I just want a peaceful home life for me and them. They’re so ungrateful, they’ve no idea how good they’ve got it.

*Sticks martyr hat firmly in the bin !

You need to get furious with your teenagers. You deserve at least as much time and respect that they do. The lifts with their friends would go, for a start. I'd give a lift to school if that's the only way they can get there, and that would be it. They are showing their friends' parents more respect for not giving a lift than they are showing you.

Just "Don't speak to me like that" in a very strong tone of voice every time they are disrespectful to you.
Every time!

I went with the 3 strikes rule. I didn’t tell them it existed.

Rude? I say no to the next 3 things they ask for! Lift - NO Particular dinner? NO! Something from the shop? NO! Pay for swimming m? NO!

same as any other person they were rude too!

Try it, it’s quite cathartic

Why are you doing all that?
I can understand that you want a well-run comfortable home, but you don't need to be chauffering them and their friends around, catering for their days out or doing their washing. Those are all added extras, that you might do as a favour for someone who is nice to you. In fact, you are doing no-one any favours by doing their washing. They won't love you any more for doing it. Let your favours be the ones that they care about. Make the link explicit " What, give you a lift after the way you just spoke to me? I don't think so." And walk away. Maybe even go out.
They will soon buck up their ideas. And if they don't, at least you won't be doing everything.
I favour the replies to requests for favours being along the lines of "Yes, but you'll need to get the washing up done before we go-."

They don’t respect you 🙁
Every little boundary they’ve nudged has had no consequences for them; you’ve continued to scurry around meeting their whims and putting them first and you last. They’ve concluded this is fair and right.

it isn’t irrecoverable. Speak up when they are rude and point out that lifts etc are a privilege not a right and they don’t deserve it today/ speaking to you like that.

Don't change everything at once but start involving them in the running of the house. Their own laundry and bedding is always a good start as most teens are privacy and dignity obsessed so they normally get mummy not washing their smalls more readily than they do the idea they might mop a kitchen. Don’t cave when they just don’t do it, they will be playing chicken. When they have no clean clothes and something they want to do with their friends they will cave. They have to know that you won’t just step in and resume normal service. You don’t need to remind them, take a welcome break from “nagging”. Once you’ve said you think they are old enough to do x & y and offered to show them how, you just leave them to it and stifle your own alarm at unchanged sheets and empty baskets and washing machine.

That’s another good reason for starting with their own laundry, rooms and bedding, their non-compliance only impacts them so you can avoid a battle of wills over common areas.

Continue to be kind and interested but be less afraid of showing and voicing your own annoyance and views. There’s a huge spectrum between chaotic shouting and being a Stepford mum.

Do you have interests and friends? It’s probably healthy for them to see you have a life you value beyond your mum role. I think as teenagers we are often blinkered when it comes to seeing our parents as three dimensional interesting people who had lives before us and retain lives beyond us.

I think you are right to put your children first by the way, but I don’t agree that putting children first equates to ensuring they always get what they want above the needs of others. It’s a long term project and ever changing.

If you don't respect yourself then dont expect others too. Why are you tolerating this. Sort your kids out. If they treat you badly then there should be consequences. What exactly do they say to you?

It really is this simple.

You are utterly failing your children as a mother to allow them to speak to you like this.

They will take this disrespect for you, with them.

Excellent advice by others.

Start saying No.

I have teens and at times I have had a small bit of attitude.

I stop buying ANY treats/junkfood.
I shut down the taxiing.
I DRAMATICALLY decrease the meals cooked.
When asked "what's for dinner mum?" I answer "no idea, best sort yourself out".

I enjoy the rest from cooking so this is increasingly my first call to action!

Stop being a martyr.
You really are not doing them any favours.

It really doesn't take them long to cop on through self interest.

Start really thinking about how much you do for them.

You deserve better.

🌻

There is no point in 'making up' for your childhood with your children - they didn't live it. What have they got to be 'grateful' for? They're only taking what you're giving

Just give them a 'normal' secure, happy one. And everyone will be happier if there is respect and thought as well as love.

Are you me, Champagne? I'm stuck in the middle of two selfish generations!

No Contact is a great strategy, even short-term. You can break old habits and expectations during a period of No Contact and get more perspective and peace.

Withdraw a bit, do your own 'thing', just do what you want, don't bother being nice or contacting anyone :).

It probably won't "cure" their shitty behaviour, unfortunately, but it allows you to be more in control of things, e.g.how often you keep in contact, and what you will put up with.

(PS. I went NC with my mother for over a year after her shocking behaviour. Long story, but I'm recently back in contact, BUT I'm keeping my distance, keeping contact brief and intermittent and playing by my rules now. ).