Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fallen out of love with husband

16 replies

RachieC00 · 21/04/2022 16:03

previously written in divorce / seperation thread but out in here as well

Hello, I was wondering if anyone has been in my position. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 16 years married for 6 we have a 3 and 4 year old (16 months apart) I have been very unhappy for a few years but didn't realise quite how unhappy until gaining emotional support elsewhere at the end of last year. The things I thought were OK in my married life... No support, him working all the time, no sex life, sleeping in seperate beds for years etc actually I realised are not normal. I feel I have fallen out of love with him. I love him as a friend and as the father of my children but I have no desire for him anymore and God he infuriates me in every way. I don't want to have sex with him or any physical contact and when we do it's so awkward as I can't pretend I want it. I know this dwindles in long term relationships anyway but I literally don't want him near me. We have been trying marriage counselling and I have even been referred to a counsellor for me as an individual as there was thought I may have depression or delayed post natal depression which I don't I just think my husband needs a reason for me not wanting to be with him anymore. I have 2 young children so don't want to disrupt the household too much but at the same time I hate being at home and dread alone time with my husband. Just wondered if anyone has had this and has either managed to make it work or seperated but managed to keep the family unit together somehow. The problem is atm I have no will to try and make it work and I can't seem to snap myself out of that mindset. Thanks in advance for any advice

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 21/04/2022 16:35

Where on earth would you find the "will to try and make it work" with someone who repulses and infuriates you?

Even if you could magically force yourself to try, how do you think you could "make it work"?

Do you think you might have tried, in little ways, over the years, and now admit defeat?

Why should you "snap yourself out of the mindset" that things aren't working? It seems perfectly rational to accept that you've had enough, and act on that decision should you choose to.

Original poster
RachieC00 · 21/04/2022 19:58

Thanks for your response and I totally get what you're saying. I guess I feel guilty and sad for him, the relationship we once had and my children. Just wondered if anyone had managed to come out the other end or I should as you say accept defeat - thank you though

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 21/04/2022 20:50

I'm not sure what you mean by "come out the other end" -- do you mean you think this might be a sort of grumpy phase you're going through, and you'll get a grip eventually, given time and the right attitude?

When you say "I just think my husband needs a reason for me not wanting to be with him anymore", it's possible that you are so used to things being the way they are that it all seems normal to you -- so you can't put your finger on a "decent excuse" for wanting to make a fresh start elsewhere. But feeling as sick of a relationship as you clearly are tends not to happen out of the blue. There are likely to be good reasons for how you feel, whether you can articulate them clearly or not. Flowers

Alcemeg · 21/04/2022 20:51

Haha, no idea why those bits were crossed out - sorry! 😋

OliveTea · 21/04/2022 20:58

@RachieC00 I could have written your post. Nearly the exact situation. Although our DT are slightly older at 5. I don’t love my husband. I don’t particularly like him either. Even though I know that he’s conventionally good looking, I don’t fancy him either.

I do love the life we’ve built though. Our DTs are wonderful. Our house and garden are beautiful. We both have busy, successful careers.

I am struggling at the moment to keep it all together. I just can’t stand being in a room alone with him!! So actually maybe my situation is more extreme than yours. We’re fine with the kids in the mix and with other people around, but just one on one is painful. I just don’t like him.

I don’t have any answers. I’m feeling so sad. I’m not held here by financial reasons, which trap so many in loveless relationships. Instead, it’s because I’m an only child with no parents or living family. My two babies are my only family and sharing custody would literally break my heart. So that’s why I stay. I try to grey rock during the times we’re alone. I’m snappy though. I’m snappy because we don’t agree on anything. I long to be loved and touched, but not by him. He’s like an irritating brother.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn the focus on me. Just to share that you’re not alone in being married, but lonely.

BuffyBeat · 21/04/2022 20:59

“gaining emotional support elsewhere at the end of last year”
Can you say who was giving you this emotional support when you realised how unhappy you were with your husband?

Mumof3confused · 22/04/2022 00:21

i commented on your other thread. This was me and we are separating/divorcing after much therapy and agonising. I now believe that my body/mind was trying to tell me something about our relationship that I didn’t want to acknowledge. First I went off sex, but then gradually it got worse until I also was barely able to stand him touching me.

TurnoverCassanova · 22/04/2022 00:38

I have been very unhappy for a few years but didn't realise quite how
unhappy until gaining emotional support elsewhere at the end of last
year

So you've fallen for someone else?

Hawkins001 · 22/04/2022 00:46

Not sure what to advise, but all the best and positivity op

Original poster
RachieC00 · 22/04/2022 20:35

@OliveTea I'm sorry to hear you are in the same position... Its an emotional roller-coaster and its horrid. I'm the same I have a decent life we have our home that we have worked hard for, 2 amazing kids I have a life a lot of people would love and from the outside seems perfect but I just want to be anywhere near my husband. @Alcemeg yes I think youre right.. This has been ongoing for atleast a couple of years if not longer but my kids have been my distraction I guess. Also the 'decent excuse' comment is bang on as he hasn't done anything wrong which makes me feel even more guilty about the way I am feeling.

I gained emotional support from a co-worker who is male. I havnt fallen for him as such but he has opened my eyes to things and made me realise.quite how bad I was feeling and how bad things had got.

Thank you for all your replies it's so good to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I am.

OP posts:
treasure47 · 22/04/2022 20:44

I am in almost the exact same position even down to the years together etc. Together for 15, married for 5, have a 3 yo DS.
He's the only person I've ever been with and I just feel like I've really outgrown the relationship and don't see him in the way I should (no desire to be intimate etc). He's a good person although hasn't always been the most supportive helping with childcare and household stuff etc which I don't think has helped my feelings. I also think deep down I've always known something wasn't quite right but I didn't want to feel like that so ignored it and also, I have nothing to compare it to! I just feel such guilt at wanting to break up the family but the idea of "going through the motions" for the rest of my life sounds soul destroying.

Original poster
RachieC00 · 22/04/2022 21:12

@treasure47 wow that is exactly the same! Yes support with kids is non existent and housework I do everything! Which I know is not unusual in marriages but yes grates on you and deepens your frustration towards him. it's literally like you are in the same boat completely.. Have you any thoughts of what to do? As I say we are trying to give counselling a go but the first thing she said is you need willing to make the marriage work and if I'm honest I don't think I have that at the moment.

OP posts:
treasure47 · 22/04/2022 21:33

@RachieC00
It's always been a bit like that, me doing most things and he's quite complacent and doesn't see it so I've often felt unappreciated. I found having a child so much harder than I thought I would and I don't think the imbalance between us helped that. Lockdown didn't help at all either as I was on my own a lot! So we went through huge changes that I think changed me as a person too.

I first told him I was unhappy about 18 months ago and he's only just started making changes, helping out more etc. what he should have done back then really so it almost feels too late and I'd sort of got used to not "needing" him.

The other issue, and probably the biggest one for me is that I don't feel an attraction to him and if I'm honest I'm not sure that's ever been very strong. Sex has at times felt like a chore to me and I've thought I could easily go without it. I did enjoy it sometimes but it just was never a big thing to me. Having an attraction to someone else in a way I hadn't before made me realise that I'd never had that with DH. I'm trying to forget about it but it's like something has changed in me now and I don't want to force anything anymore.

We've started sleeping in the same bed again after sleeping separately for a while (which I loved) and it's going okay but I feel anxious about being intimate. It's been a long time since we have!

I feel awful about it all because ultimately he is a good person, would never break my heart etc so he's a very "safe" option. And when I think about breaking up the family I feel a bit sick about it. But I know that if I didn't have DS I'd take the leap and be on my own for a while. Being on my own doesn't scare me anymore like it used to.

Is your husband your only partner too?

We haven't tried couples counselling and I'm not sure we would tbh. I know what you mean though about willing. Sometimes I feel like I "should" try more but I also don't want to force anything. It's really difficult 😞

Mila14 · 24/04/2022 16:45

RachieC00 · 21/04/2022 16:03

previously written in divorce / seperation thread but out in here as well

Hello, I was wondering if anyone has been in my position. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 16 years married for 6 we have a 3 and 4 year old (16 months apart) I have been very unhappy for a few years but didn't realise quite how unhappy until gaining emotional support elsewhere at the end of last year. The things I thought were OK in my married life... No support, him working all the time, no sex life, sleeping in seperate beds for years etc actually I realised are not normal. I feel I have fallen out of love with him. I love him as a friend and as the father of my children but I have no desire for him anymore and God he infuriates me in every way. I don't want to have sex with him or any physical contact and when we do it's so awkward as I can't pretend I want it. I know this dwindles in long term relationships anyway but I literally don't want him near me. We have been trying marriage counselling and I have even been referred to a counsellor for me as an individual as there was thought I may have depression or delayed post natal depression which I don't I just think my husband needs a reason for me not wanting to be with him anymore. I have 2 young children so don't want to disrupt the household too much but at the same time I hate being at home and dread alone time with my husband. Just wondered if anyone has had this and has either managed to make it work or seperated but managed to keep the family unit together somehow. The problem is atm I have no will to try and make it work and I can't seem to snap myself out of that mindset. Thanks in advance for any advice

I was there 8 years ago. I had to find the way to divorce him because to live like that is no life. We are parents but we are also individuals and aspire to have a round life. I fell in love with someone else while married. It didn’t make divorce any easier. It is brutal. But I’m relieved it’s past me and I don’t have to share a bed with a man I don’t want to be touched by. You know when it is over

Mila14 · 24/04/2022 16:51

Mumof3confused · 22/04/2022 00:21

i commented on your other thread. This was me and we are separating/divorcing after much therapy and agonising. I now believe that my body/mind was trying to tell me something about our relationship that I didn’t want to acknowledge. First I went off sex, but then gradually it got worse until I also was barely able to stand him touching me.

Spot on… I also fell out of sex but saw things in his personality I didn’t like either. We evolution differently after kids are born too. I could not bear him touching me either. No amount of therapy can change that. I’m super glad I divorced him now although it’s really really hard and takes time to be over divorce

Pizzandchips · 24/04/2022 17:52

I posted about similar on here a couple of weeks ago but got absolutely torn to shreds because I don't work due to disability, and me staying with him for the good life for my children is wrong.
I feel everything the same as you and other posters have written. He's the only partner I've had. Very long relationship. I don't want to seperate because I don't want to be apart from my children whilst they're young. It's a very difficult situation to be in but also extremely common. I think there are a huge amount of very unhappy women. I sorry I don't have any advice but your not alone

New posts on this thread. Refresh page