DM lives with us but

[youllneedthisfish]

I will try and keep this brief - (but nobody gets to 83 without baggage)
DM & DF moved in late 2020 with a view to us converting large garage into very nice bungalow/annexe for them -Covid not helping with any of this of course and lockdown not kind.

DF rapidly deteriorated to dementia and in care home since March 2021. We realised Dm hadn't slept through night for years and had been minimising his behaviour - clearly he'd been on the edge for ages (and has Parkinsons too to compound this). They had got into a bad cycle of behaviour to each other - much more than anyone had realised. DM angry and short-tempered in extreme - him beligerent, aggressive, confused.

Dh welcomed this and was all in for them coming here - but really not many alternatives and you decide based on information at the time don't you?

So now we are nearing finish of annexe for DM - but not surprisingly Covid, Brexit etc has delayed for so many reasons. I have looked after her, and project managed the house build, and looked after DCs, part-time job, ran mine and DHs business, and my own health issues (mega menopause)...

I'm fed up and can't wait for her to move into the annexe, DH is too - but she's not his DM...

He made the mistake of teasing her about developments in the build last week and she went absolutely mental - screaming abdabs, saying we are conspiring not to finish it, it will never be finished, and so on. I was in another room and heard it all, came in and tried to calm it down - told them both they were out of order actually. Cue both of them angry with ME.

Anyway I've told DP he was out of order, we've had our own row and come out the other end, he's said 'good morning' brightly and had the door slammed in his face a few times now. But she won't talk to him, or eat with us now. 'I can't sit there in this atmosphere' (which she created) she says. I think she is being childish and actually its me this impacts the most as I have to be the mediator...
I am letting her get on with it but at some point I am going to have to get them to resolve this - but how!! If I tell her home truths about how rude she is to me and so on she will get upset and sulk

I am aware that if the sexes were reversed and it was my MIL Mumsnet verdict would be that its the responsibility of the child to mediate and put the foot down with the MIL; so I feel responsible.. but dammit I feel responsible for everything and I'm exhausted

I just feel like the only person in the household ever willing to apologise and I don't want to live as a doormat - or the only adult.

I think you need to be firmer with her (hard I know)
Your DH has put up with a lot and it sounds like he has been pretty patient. There is no need for you to apologise or be a doormat, you have been very generous to your mother and if she wants to live with you or in the annex she needs to at least try and be pleasant to both of the people facilitating this.
If your DH had posted this you would be told to evict your mother asap I imagine, he doesnt deserve to be treated like that in his own home.

On a practical note, could your mother move to an air bnb whilst the annexe is being completed?

no - she is partially sighted and can’t drive - she can’t even go in a shop on her own

Your partner sounds much more patient than I would have been. She's being extremely unreasonable, and now she's tantrumming. It's not something I would put up with. Your husband shouldn't have to.

I can well imagine the stress you are all under and its a shame that they both used you as a whipping boy. Honestly I wouldn't worry about being the mediator. While you let your mother be a child she will (and it may be all that she is cognitively capable of) If your mother chooses not to eat with you that's fine, I know a tray in her room is more work but may make the atmosphere better for you and DH and give you some time together as a couple. TBH he has my sympathy and I think he is being very generous.