Can’t sleep in the same bed - anyone else?

[gardenhelpneeded]

My husband is a fairly noisy sleeper, snores, breathes heavily, moves about and gets up for a pee. Nothing unusual I’m sure compared to lots of men!

I’m unfortunately a very light sleeper and really struggle to sleep well in the same bed. I’ve always been a bit like this and we have gone through periods of sleeping separately when the kids were little(we’ve been married 22 years).

I think I am craving my own space as he’s working from home and I’m never in the house in my own which I find hard! Also I’ve given up alcohol so don’t collapse into bed like I used to.

Currently he’s in the spare bedroom which he doesn’t like. I sometimes swap with him as he prefers our bed.

One solution is to get a bigger bed with separate zip together mattresses. Any recommendations?

Anyone gone through this? Words of wisdom? (Sex life still fine but probably a bit less frequent, I do miss hugs/chats at night/in the morning but not the exhaustion and resentment from no sleep!)

Separate bedrooms is honestly a game-changer. DP is the light sleeper who wakes up if you so much as breathe in the same room. I toss and turn a lot. Both of us were single for a while before getting together at 30, and frankly got very used to sleeping alone. I find it very difficult to get to sleep with anyone in the same room.

Separate bedrooms means our relationship is better (no grumpiness from lack of sleep), and we have our own spaces to retreat to (we have very different standards of tidiness... he is a neat freak, I am a slattern). Sex life unchanged, it's very easy to visit the other one in the morning or even better, have sex at times that aren't when you're falling asleep or waking up. Cuddles happen on the sofa most evenings. Every couple we know who has separate bedrooms raves about it.

@gannett that sounds great! It’s good you’re both happy with it. My problem is my husband isn’t and it’s causing resentment. He feels pushed out and I feel stressed and annoyed and guilty!

We sleep separately for the same reasons as you. we’ve been married for 13 years but living together for longer. I managed to learn to share a bed through the first 10 years of being together but it’s all started to get so much worse about 8 years ago. He’s snores horrendously and I have developed insomnia over the last few years. It’s just not compatible. I reached the point where I’m afraid I just couldn’t afford to care about hurting his feelings, he had to grow up and get over it. My sleep and mental health was a much higher priority. We’ve found a new balance we have cuddles and stuff and then off to our own space to sleep.
I found the little sad face and huffing over separate beds utterly infuriating. Don’t make me feel guilty for wanting a basic need fulfilled. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Make sure you have 2 comfy beds and make each room nice and then tell him to stop being so selfish!

It did take a few conversations for us to both be happy with it! Some quite difficult. When we moved in together we shared a bed because I guess we perceived it as the norm for couples. I ended up taking myself to the spare bed most nights and then just starting off the night there. I think he felt quite rejected by that because we hadn't talked about it properly. Once we did, I reassured him that it wasn't about rejecting being intimate with him, it was a pure physical need to sleep in a particular way. And when he realised his sleep had also been suffering it didn't take him long to get on board with the idea properly as well. I'd encourage you to have that talk and to reassure him that you're not checking out of the relationship or intimacy. (Tbh separate bedrooms was better for our sex life on account of not being tired and grumpy all the time.)

Separate rooms here too. He's a snorer, and a fidget. He kicks up the blankets off his feet. I'm a light sleeper and any movement, noise or variation in temperature wakes me up instantly.
I like the idea of being snuggled up to someone but in reality I like a quick cuddle then to be able to starfish without touching anyone else

I told my partner last year that I could no longer put up with having up to 2 weeks of little to no sleep every time he comes to visit (living apart together). I'm 53, and having night sweats added to being a already very poor sleeper was just the last straw for me. My partner is a terrible snorer, and also makes this really annoying snorting noise all the time... I lost count of the times I said 'you're not a bloody horse, stop snorting!'

One good sofa bed in the living room later, and like others have said, the only difference it has made is that I'm no longer narky and as knackered as hell during his visits. We are both sleeping far better and I feel less guilty about being up and down during the night, because I know I'm not disturbing his sleep as well. Seriously doubt that I'll ever share a bed full time with a man again!

Been married 22 years and had separate beds for about the last 10ish years. He is large, snores and shakes the bed. Still in same room because grown up daughters still live at home. When we have space we will have a room each like we do at our holiday home. Love having my own space when we go there.

DH & I stopped sleeping in the same bedroom 5 years ago.

He snored like a buzz saw, talked rubbish in his sleep (loudly), kept pulling the duvet off me, kicked out, got up at least twice for a pee, elbowed me in the ribs and repeatedly f@rted for England.
After a really bad week of broken sleep I finally told him that one of us had to move out into the spare room.
I went first and stayed there about 4 years. Then we swapped over again.

Bliss !

I would drive myself mad if I had to share a bed with me, I snore, Im hot, then cold, then hot, then cold, then I need the loo about 3 times, then I cant sleep so watch a bit of telly, then fall asleep, then toss and turn, rinse and repeat all night long

OH snores, pulls the covers (he has the most annoying habit of when he turns over because he is wearing pyjamas it grabs the duvet and travels with him and leaves me without bits, he leans on me hurting my back.

Nightmare.

Separate rooms!!

We've tried a few things and currently have a big family bed on the floor which is working well - kids and I on a double mattress and DH on a single next to us. But what worked well for us pre-DC was a king (or super-king? I forget) bed frame with two single mattresses on it, and, crucially, each of us having our own bedsheets and duvets. Also decent earplugs for the snoring. We did also try separate rooms for a while, we kept a double bed in the main room and would usually both start the night in there either watching TV together or chatting / cuddling / having sex, then DH would move to the other bedroom when we wanted to go to sleep. So we still had the intimacy of sharing a bed; it was literally just while we were asleep (and therefore not aware of who was or wasn't present in the bed with us anyway) that we were separate. We've been through a lot of beds / bedframes / bedroom arrangements but I think it's worth it to find a setup that works - good sleep is so crucial!

We are the same as you OP…
His loud , snores, wakes to wee afew times and i am an extremely light sleeper.

We have separate bedrooms, I live it, DP not so much
We get into the same bed in the evening, cuddle, watch tv or be intimate etc..
Then at the point, you would normally say goodnight and go to sleep, I just go into the other room

Im the heavy sleeper and DP is very light sleeper. I've slept through earthquakes and fire alarms.

We sleep in a King bed with separate single duvets for different temps and less dragging

Same as me! DH snores too much, I'm a light sleeper and we both work shifts.

To both of us it means a lot to sleep in the same bed, wouldn't feel good to sleep separate.

We got a King Size bed so we have a bit more space, he sleeps with an anti-snoring nose clips which minimizes snoring, sleeps on the side (less snoring) and I sleep with noise cancelling earplugs. Since we made those changes we both can sleep with no issues. 12 years married now.

Good luck!

I would love to have my own room (DH works away some nights). I sleep so well not sharing a bed, I’ve proposed we could just share part of the week, but he has trouble sleeping when I’m not in bed.
We have a king size bed and memory foam mattress, but I’m a light sleeper and he breathes- annoying. Even more annoying is when I’m asleep and he wakes up and decides to throw his arm over me for a cuddle, like a bloody dead weight or lies on my hair. Grr

There must be something in the water. I posted about this today.

We go through periods of sleeping separately and are currently in one which I can't see ending.

There is nothing wrong with sleeping separately. I love my own space and don't want anyone around me when trying to sleep!
Do you have earplugs, eye mask, headphones?

I sleep in the spare room two or so nights a week. I can share with DH but need earplugs for his snoring, so when I’ve had a few nights of being annoyed I take myself off to the spare room for a really good sleep. It works well for us - sharing a bed is nice, but so is a decent sleep!