Too generous. I don’t know how to handle it

[Viviennethebeautiful]

It’s my 60th birthday soon. Last night my partner of 4 years outlined his plans. He is taking me on a nice holiday and a couple of meals (one family one just us). I already knew about these and was very happy.

However yesterday I learned he is also planning to give me a very big budget to go to my favourite shopping outlet. I mentioned that my dad wants me to choose a piece of jewellery and he said “ don’t buy until you see what your presents from me are” He is wealthy I have money but not as much.

Normally everything we do is 50:50. We don’t live together but live in the same street.

I am just overwhelmed. Through hard work and luck I have had a comfortable life but never been treated like this.

I was previously married to someone who spent every penny he earned and much of mine on himself, not me or our children. On my 50th birthday I paid for my own present as XH card had been cloned. It hadn’t, it was just part of the lies that tumbled out a couple of weeks after me turning 50 and resulted in divorce.

So I am really uncomfortable about the level of generosity but can see my view could be coloured by history.

How much do I accept? How to be gracious?

Am not sure what to think TBH but I would definitely insist that your darling Dad gets to choose his gift for you.
Maybe ask him to donate some of the money he wants to spend on you to a charity of your choice .

I think I'd feel the same as you, op - it's over the top. I've been with my DH for years and years and I'd still not want a load of money from him, I want some thoughtful gifts and some time doing lovely things. I think @doggiescats has a good idea with the charity donation!

I think you and your dad should be able.tp choose your gift from him without your partner's input.

Other than that, well, some people like gift giving and treating people.

It's only really a problem if the gift giving is more about them than you. IYSWIM.

Have you told him you're uncomfortable? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

There's no right or wrong, here. If your view is tainted by your history, that's just part of who you are now, and he needs to respect that. There's no 'correct' level of how much you should feel willing to accept. If he insists on giving you very expensive gifts when you've told him it makes you uncomfortable, you have a different issue on your plate.

You should speak to him. Assuming he knows your history.

Re your dad’s gift, maybe he just doesn’t want you to have two of the same type of pieces, and for you then to regret it. But if that doesn’t bother you, tell him that, and then go with your dad to pick something.

I would accept that as an adult, your partner can choose to spend his money how he wishes.
If you try to curtail his spending he might see it as a criticism of how he manages his money (I.e that he’s wasteful).

I would accept graciously. He can obviously afford it and wants to treat you for your big birthday. Some people enjoy being generous towards those they love.

The only thing that’s lightly concerns me here is him asking you to wait before choosing your present from your dad, it reads slightly as if his is going to be better just because it’s more expensive. Perhaps remind him it’s about the meaning not the cost. You know the man though so you will be able to read between the lines

If this was at the beginning of a relationship, I would be overwhelmed but, 4 years in and for a ‘big’ birthday, I’d happily accept a generous gift from my wealthy partner.

If I’m reading it correctly, is your Dad giving you money to choose a piece of jewellery (or you choose it and he pays)? I wonder if your partner’s suggestion is to allow you to choose something which complements what he has bought eg earrings to go with necklace or so you don’t duplicate eg watches.

He just doesn't want you to have two of the same, I'd think. Seems sensible. He isn't being controlling of your dad or you.

Tell him that you're uncomfortable, I guess. You should be able to. But equally, you shouldn't make him pay for your ex being tight and ungenerous.

Thank you to everyone who responded and took it as I mean’t it Genuinely a bit blown away.

He is not trying to outdo my dad ( unless he is intending something totally ridiculous) as dad told me the very generous budget and I mentioned it to my partner.

That was when he said wait and see what you b’day presents are first. As dad is 93 and a trip to the shops is a military operation my partner did know we would be going after the actual day.

I did speak to one friend in RL ( v wary as don’t want to seem boastful) she told me about her dad being good friends with a hospital consultant, her dad was a porter. They swopped presents for years with her dad giving the consultant a bottle of whisky and he giving presents worth several times that amount. Friends dad was ok with it as it probably represented similar percentage of their respective incomes.

The charity suggestions are brilliant. We met working in the Ukraine and have done quite a bit but I know of at least one family arriving where the children will need school uniforms. The shopping budget will more than cover them.

Thank you all so much

I'd try to accept graciously. It's a big birthday.
It could be coloured by your past. Your ex being mean and cheap was because he was an arse. Not because you didn't deserve being treated.
So yes you deserve to have a special day where your loved one wants to give.
I'd be wary of charities as many of them don't give much to those in need but spend on administrative fees.

Can he afford it? Is he just genuinely happy to treat you? Is he putting thought into it too? Would you go the same lengths for him (relative to your own resources?)
Yes, yes yes & yes -> just say thank you - and it's ok to say that it feels like a LOT and explain your history, but that you are really touched. It's ok to say that what you value most though is him!

Exactly. My husband is this way. I just have to sit back and accept his generosity. It was difficult at first but I've given into it now.