Help me please

[nowitsmyturn]

My husband of 25 years has just told me he no longer wants to be married to me. Yes, there is another woman. I'm beyond devastated and in shock. But I don't know what to do now he's told me this. Stuff we have planned/holidays/children/pets... Whattheanyactualfuck.
Is there a list of stuff I need to do. I can't think of anything right now. I'm just totally and utterly numb. I'm not even angry. He deserves happiness as much as I do. I want to sob on his shoulder like I've done for the past 25 years when bad things have happened. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. But I can't. He isn't my person any more. He was yesterday, but today, I have never felt more alone. So please give me some gentle words of advice.

I didn’t want to read and run.
I wish I had the words to comfort you x

Hey lovely. I'm sorry to hear this. And no wonder you're in shock.

Yes everyone deserves happiness, including you.

But if you've been with someone for 25 years and you have kids then if your feelings start to go, you at least try and rescue it. Talk and see if you can do something.

Another woman will be a shiny new object without any of the domestic boring every day stuff.

So get a but angry with him.

And also split parent. Let him do 50/50 of parenting and housework whilst you go out and enjoy yourself. Join a gym, go out with friends, pamper yourself.

Although it was ny choice to split with my ex due to his controlling and jealous ways, it was also because he never lifted a finger at home.

I now do 50/50 and have the most amazing life. My kids, but also work, hobbies, an awesome passionate and respectful boyfriend, relaxation time.

So although you're devastated now, don't think that your future will be awful because it can be amazing. Take care op x

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please read chumplady.com

You will find you’re not alone and what you can do to come out of this with your head held high. She is kind but also straightforward and there are a lot of people dealing with the same stuff .

I’m so sorry, I know you’ll be in so much pain.

Self care first. Please try to eat, drink water, take exercise, you’re in shock and need to protect yourself. If his affair is sexual (which I’m guessing it is) you’ll need STD tests. I always hate writing that but it’s the truth.

Then please don’t trust or believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He’ll be lying to himself and to you (and most likely OW) to justify what he is doing. The OW is most likely not his soulmate or any other bs he’s painting her as, just done sad woman falling for the lies of a married man. All that glitters ain’t gold!

This is the part where you need to be really brave and close yourself off from him. Cry, vent, rage to those close to you or on mumsnet but don’t do it to him. He’s made his position clear, let him go. Holding onto your hard face now will reap rewards in the future I promise as you’ll feel so proud of yourself.

Many women do the ‘pick me dance’ at this point, that’s the worst thing you can do just grey rock him. Talk finances, child contact arrangements nothing else.

I would also recommend chump lady at this point. Her book ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ really helped me treat the affair with the contempt it deserved. There is a lot of wisdom in those pages and it helped me draw firm lines in the sand.

I know you’re just lost now, but expect a whole plethora of emotions. Some you will have never experienced before. Finding out about an affair sets you off on a roller coaster, take each second at a time, they do become minutes, then hours then days.

I journaled. It really helped me.

When you’re ready go and seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row. Don’t trust him to do right by you and the children, he is not the man you thought you knew.

You can and will get through this. Don’t let him alter the narrative, don’t become a bit part in their drama! You’re worth more!

Again, I’m just so sorry. 🌹

Oh no +

You need a good friend you can speak to, or a relative, or perhaps a counsellor.

You need legal advice.

Unfortunately you need to have in the back of your mind that he could turn nasty. Hopefully not, but it does happen surprisingly often.

You will get through this.

What is your financial situation like? Are there kids and are they still under 18?

@Sofacouchboredom

I’m so sorry, I know you’ll be in so much pain.

Self care first. Please try to eat, drink water, take exercise, you’re in shock and need to protect yourself. If his affair is sexual (which I’m guessing it is) you’ll need STD tests. I always hate writing that but it’s the truth.

Then please don’t trust or believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He’ll be lying to himself and to you (and most likely OW) to justify what he is doing. The OW is most likely not his soulmate or any other bs he’s painting her as, just done sad woman falling for the lies of a married man. All that glitters ain’t gold!

This is the part where you need to be really brave and close yourself off from him. Cry, vent, rage to those close to you or on mumsnet but don’t do it to him. He’s made his position clear, let him go. Holding onto your hard face now will reap rewards in the future I promise as you’ll feel so proud of yourself.

Many women do the ‘pick me dance’ at this point, that’s the worst thing you can do just grey rock him. Talk finances, child contact arrangements nothing else.

I would also recommend chump lady at this point. Her book ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ really helped me treat the affair with the contempt it deserved. There is a lot of wisdom in those pages and it helped me draw firm lines in the sand.

I know you’re just lost now, but expect a whole plethora of emotions. Some you will have never experienced before. Finding out about an affair sets you off on a roller coaster, take each second at a time, they do become minutes, then hours then days.

I journaled. It really helped me.

When you’re ready go and seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row. Don’t trust him to do right by you and the children, he is not the man you thought you knew.

You can and will get through this. Don’t let him alter the narrative, don’t become a bit part in their drama! You’re worth more!

Again, I’m just so sorry. 🌹

He says it hasn't gone that far. But fucking hell they all say that don't they. We had sex a couple of days ago. He didn't seem unhappy then.

Sorry been a shit day. No sleep and swirling emotions. I can't feel angry at him. I don't know why. I have this ball of dread in my stomach and I haven't eaten anything today.

He says no sex but don't they all say that.

I’m sorry to say that yes they do. They ALWAYS minimise it.

I know you must be absolutely shattered. What you’re experiencing now is pure shock. The lens in which you view the world has been shattered by this nasty selfish, entitled pair.

You’re numb atm. It sounds as though you thought you were in a happy and safe space and this has pulled the rug out from under you. It’s not surprising you can’t eat, but please try a little.

Lean on your friends and family, those you trust. Please believe that it does get better, you will survive this. What do you know about the affair? How old are your children?

@Sofacouchboredom has given you brilliant advice, she really knows what she’s talking about. She’s incredibly wise, kind and helpful.
You are indeed in shock and need to regroup, but I echo the grey rock approach. He chose this, not you, and he can face his own music without two women fighting over him. You sound incredibly brave and dignified, OP, this is exactly the right approach.
(As an aside to @Sofacouchboredom my private messaging isn’t working currently, every time I try to write the page crashes, if I use the pm facility on your posts, it does the same. New messages from others seem ok, old ones glitch and I can’t read any of them. If you could please send me a short ‘hi!’ it might get it out of the old thread it’s in. It’s been doing this for days, MN are aware but it’s not fixed yet)

Oh no! First off call a friend or family member for a shoulder to cry on 🙁

Have you got DC? Will he tell them together with you that you're breaking up?

Holidays booked I'd see if you can cancel, not the annual leave necessarily but the holidays themselves so you can get a refund. Other plans don't have much of a financial outlay so I wouldn't worry too much about those for now, cancel when you can.

Pets is tricky, technically they're possessions, so who bought them and who looks after them and pays their expenses?

You need to gather financial paperwork, yours, his and joint stuff.

You need a solicitor who does divorces.

You need to set up your own individual bank account if you don't already have one and have your wages, child benefit etc paid in there.