Cant find my anger

[Latenitemum]

Hello, i've filed for divorce after DH had an EA with a young eastern european he talks to online - they've never met and he's 30 years older than her but he's in love and cant drop her. He's acting out everything from The Script...rewriting history, never loved me, has been unhappy for years etc.
DH is dragging out the divorce by not co-operating, no solicitor, not opening letters etc, we are slowing going through the process but its difficult. He wont move out of the house and does not speak to me at all.
OW begs me not to divorce him, she says they are not in touch (but i have heard their conversations so know they are). We've been married 25 years and even though i have filed for divorce i am so scared about the future...i fear i will be alone (although i already feel very lonely) im scared my life will have no meaning and that financially i will struggle. DD will be going to uni this year and i am already dreading her going.
How long does it take to get over a long marriage? I have no confidence in myself, i am overweight, look old and have nothing anyone will find attractive in me. He on the otherhand is confident, charming - when he wants to be and is happy on his own.
Why do i hate him one minute and then think i want to win him back and start again? He has said he does not want to be with me anymore but does not want to move out. He tells me to live my life and not speak to him and we can live in the same house. How will this work?

Get a solicitor, get a therapist. Divorce this shitbag of a man as soon as you possibly can and spend time discovering yourself. You don't need him and you deserve far better. You will get through this.

You can't live in the same house! How ridiculous. No, I've seen a few friends get divorced now, initiated by the man. They were devastated for a year or two and then much, much happier and calmer than they were when married. You will be too. Stop worrying what you look like. Your self esteem has probably been eroded by this toxic man.

Sending sympathy Latenitemum. What a stupid fool your (D)H appears to be.
Keep pursuing your divorce, frustrating as his inactivity is to the process. I'm sure expert posters with relevant knowledge will come along and advise you regarding your financial position.
Of course you will feel unattractive after the rejection from someone who you cared for so deeply but honestly, this is just an auto response. You can change your whole attitude to a positive stance in time. Don't worry about anyone else finding you attractive, discover yourself and what makes you happy.

Thank you for your replies. I know living together is impossible, I am suffering with a terrible cold at the moment and last night I had a bad coughing fit for almost an hour, not once did he come and check I was OK even though he made a couple of trips to the bathroom, is this normal? Surely you would check in on someone - I can't get over the feeling of hate he has towards me - where does that come from? I was his partner for almost 30 years...how do you not care at all? Had it been him feeling unwell, I would have asked if he needed anything - knowing he would have said no. Is it not just human nature to check someone is OK?
I've not slept much, maybe this is normal behaviour

So start taking power walks with headphones.

You will clear your head, start getting fitter, be out of the house, lose weight.

You will be taking back control of you.

Couple of weeks of that then address the rest in bite sized pieces.

I suspect he is dragging out the divorce until your dc is over 18 and left the home for uni or has finished uni. That way he'll avoid paying maintenance and you will have less claim on the house. Looks like ow is in on it too trying to get you to remain married until it is financially better for him/them. He may also be hoping that he makes home life so unbearable that you leave and give up claim tp house.

At the moment he does hate you as you are the barrier to him riding off into the sunset (with OW moving into the house) without financial responsibility to you or dc. He has villainised you so he can be guilt free and has created a narrative with himself as the downtrodden trapped husband, tricked into marriage and responsibilities who finally breaks free with his one true love. Wanker!!

You need to change your narrative too!. He is no longer the man you married or the man he was for 30 years. That man is long gone and is not coming back..He's been taken over by a selfish wanker that will fuck you over at any opportunity. Stop expecting basic civilised behaviour. Stop expecting him to care or treat you with respect or care. He's a stranger out to fuck you over. Treat him as such.

Stop making it all about him. Your self esteem has nothing to do with him. You need to sort out your self respect.

I did this by making a big long list of things that people do that makes me feel respect for them. Then I picked some of the things and started doing/learning them. Once you start doing this, you are moving towards being a person you'd look at and say 'Wow'.

Do things for you. Don't worry about his behaviour and whether he's right, or 'normal'. Your life isn't about him, and his opinion can mean as much to you as it does to me: nothing.

Thank you all so much, i will focus more on me and getting my life together. He is not someone i recognise anymore.
Xx

Hope you feel better from your cold @Latenitemum .
Of course it is human nature to check on someone who is ill.