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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bitter towards partner - marriage

15 replies

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 22:53

Hi all,
marriage was never on my to do list however when I met my partner I knew it was what I wanted. We shared the same outlook. Over the years we have had the conversation about marriage and he’s always said ‘he’ll do it in his own time’ - which I get. I’d make hints from time to time but wouldn’t go on. We’ve been together nearly 6 years now, had a baby two years, house together and we are still not engaged. Thing is I’m feeling really angry towards him about it because he told me couple of years ago that it was his plan to get engaged the following year. I feel like I build myself up and get excited at every special occasion to be disappointed.
now that we’ve got a baby I just don’t want it anymore. I’ve told him that I feel the moment is gone. He told me again ‘he’s got his plan’ but my point is if you know you want it with someone why wait? I now have anxiety about his proposal because I’m not 100% I want it. It’s not because I don’t love him but I feel really bitter towards him that he’s made me wait and now I’ve got other things to focus on im not interested in it. When I told him again the other night about not wanting it and explained my reasons he said ‘well I’ve been hurt before’ so I said ‘I’m getting blamed for someone else’s actions’ he then went on to say ‘well I’ve f**ked up then haven’t i’.

im not sure how to overcome this. I do forget about it - it doesn’t consume my mind - but then when it comes up I go all agitated again.

can anyone relate? Any advice

OP posts:

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 20/04/2022 22:57

I see how frustrating that is. Him being hurt before hasn't stopped him having a baby with you or getting a house, has it? Are both your names on the house by the way?

How about saying 'look, I could wait till I'm a pensioner for your plan. Either we go to the register office and just get it done, or I assume you've been stringing me along all this time'

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:05

You’re right!
I think the issue in the past is that he went to propose and the girl was having an affair.
He overthinks things though and will want it to be something grand when I wasn’t bothered at all.

Thing is I wanted the ‘day’. Not anything over the top per se but a special day because I’ve never had a day for me. I’m touchIng 40 now though and I just think there’s no point. Excited of it is completely gone!

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 20/04/2022 23:07

He sounds like a com reading the same old script instead of just saying he doesnt want to marry you.

Did you give the baby his surname, even though he didnt want to marry you at that point?!

did you reduce hours at work without the security of marriage?

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:09

No I work full time in a good job

OP posts:

SpinningMeSoftly · 20/04/2022 23:09

Do you own the house equally?

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:10

No I own more and it’s In writing

OP posts:

SpinningMeSoftly · 20/04/2022 23:11

Well I wouldn't bother marrying him then. You've more to lose than gain.

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:11

I own more and it’s in writing

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2022 23:12

He didn’t make you wait though, you chose to stay with him, buy a house and have a child knowing he wasn’t keen. When you wanted to buy or ttc did you drop hints and wait for him to pick up on them or did you discuss these big decisions together like equal partners? Why is marriage different?

Why have you let him call the shots on it while sitting passively back hinting?

If you’ve now gone off the idea that’s fair enough, make sure he knows you don’t want to get married and not to bother proposing. But it sounds like you’re playing games and the two of you need to work on your communication if the relationship is going to last.

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:12

Not really. There’s a clause to say even if we marry and split I get what I put in

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 20/04/2022 23:13

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:11

I own more and it’s in writing

in this case, youve had a lucky escape.

a friend of mine’s dp refused to marry her for years. She built up he assets. Suddenly he was keen.

Original poster

Sunshine8537 · 20/04/2022 23:15

He said he had a plan and he wanted to do it in his own time. He didn’t want me to rush him (fair enough). We had a conversation before we got pregnant about trying for baby or getting engaged and we decided to try.

no game playing here. Just happy with life but anxious incase he proposes when I’ve told him not too. I don’t particularly want to reject him. I’m happy just doing what we are doing

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 20/04/2022 23:17

Everyone has been hurt. A lot of people have been cheated on. Has he tried counselling to get over his feelings??

If not I would say that they are a convenient excuse and he has no intention of marrying you.
you should have a good think about where that leaves you. Unless you are in his will then you are not entitled to any of his assets if he dies. Bear in mind wills can be changed at any time without any beneficiary being aware. As an unmarried couple if one of you dies then there would be inheritance tax to pay on the transfer of any assets, depending on their value. This could mean having to sell your home to pay the tax. You would also not be entitled to any widows pension or benefits or any share of his pension. You are also not next of kin so his family could insist on organising his funeral and leave you out.

Marriage is about business as well as romance. You need to start thinking about the business side of it as well as the emotional side.

In your shoes I would assume he will never marry you and plan your life putting yourself and your DD first and doing what is best for you.

billy1966 · 21/04/2022 09:39

OP,

He has been stringing you along and now you realise it.

I can well understand you changing your mind.

He is dishonest and that is key.

He has lied to you and isn't trustworthy.

I think you should look very hard at what this relationship gives and are you happy.

If he really cared about you he wouldn't have lied, strung you along for years.

When men want to marry, they do it.

When they don't, they prevaricate and lie about their intentions.

You deserve better than him.

🌸

Drinkingallthewine · 21/04/2022 14:30

My DP is a champion procrastinator. He's renowned for it in his family.

For years I did want us to move on with engagement (didn't need a fancy one) and a wedding (ditto) But age-wise, having a baby took priority.
Anyway, I asked myself - do I want to be A wife - someone elses wife with the ring on the finger etc or do I want to stay with him, have a baby, even if that meant he might never propose, and if we never have a wedding day.

I could have left and found a guy who gave me the grand proposal, the lovely day out, and even have lovely children with him, but there was the chance he could turn out to be a bit of an eejit, or have habits /traits that would drive me cracked within a few years of marriage. Whereas with DP, I was really really happy in all the big and little ways. We have always been so compatible I can see us growing old together the same way - and that means more than anything. I did, however decide that I would always ensure that I never got myself into financial dependence if we were having a child together. And we began TTC

After I'd finished maternity leave and heading towards 40 I just remember thinking that compared to a baby, a wedding wasn't all that important any more to me. If we did it, great, but if we didn't, it wasn't something I was all that pushed about anyway. I'd stopped feeling like being a wife was some sort of yardstick of our relationship.

DP (DF, STBDH?) feels that out of all the life events, commiting to a child together is and should be, the biggest commitment of your life. You can sell a house or dissolve a marriage, but you share that child for life, well into adulthood and beyond into grandchildren. He's got a point there I think. And so when he suggested we start TTC, for him that was more of a lifelong commitment than a marriage proposal.

I wouldn't have tolerated him if he had started breadcrumbing hints about proposals - my view is, just get on with it or stfu. And especially if it was hinting at something I wanted for my future. Fuck that. Luckily for him, DP never did that. So when he did propose it was low-key (I was in old PJs with a face mask on) and out of the blue a year after DS was born. Not very instagrammable but very us.

In the end I was the one who couldn't be bothered to get around to booking the wedding so it turns out we were engaged for about em...almost 10 years before I finally decided to book something. We are getting married this summer.

It feels like all his empty talk will take all joy out of any potential proposal. And it also feels like he's got to REALLY pull some spectacular shit out of the bag to justify all this bragging about his perfect proposal. So he's backed himself into a corner there. As long as you are financially secure, you don't need marriage. So it boils down to if you want marriage - and specifically, marriage with him. Do you?

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