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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling today

9 replies

Baby3at40 · 20/04/2022 21:04

I'm really struggling today with a topic on a previous thread I put up that I can't access since the update last night 😩

My fiancé left at 30 weeks pregnant after his 8 year old spat at my teenage son for the third time. He's the one that bought the fridge, sofa and bed but left me without all 3 when he moved out a few days later, without checking I had somewhere to sleep in my home at 30 weeks pregnant.

I'm in touch with women's aid and the freedom programme to recognise abuse and to help me get the strength to cope with this all. There's so many things in that relationship that was emotionally abusive that I didn't see and thanks to the people of MN for starting to highlight it all which WA has continued.

The reason I'm struggling so much today is that I put scan appointments in a shared calendar that I created for him and I with just baby related appointments. With no contact from him (I even emailed to ask if he's seen the appointments) he's missed our first 2 appointments with the consultant whereas before I was midwife led. He doesn't know that I have gestational diabetes and what that means in terms of when I will now be induced. It hurts, I feel so sad for the baby 😔. A month ago we were good, happy (blindly maybe due to the abuse but i felt happy). I can't quite believe he's gone from that to not even wanting to attend appointments to do with the baby.

I came on to MN a couple of weeks ago stating that I was going to put him on the birth certificate etc and one of my friends is a family law solicitor so we even came up with a really fair contact arrangement ready to send him following these appointments about when baby will arrive if induced. Now I'm thinking he's going to have no care for her welfare in the womb but try and play dad of the year when she's out because he won't want to pay too much. I don't see a difference between attending these appointments when she's in the womb or caring for her when she's out!

I'm just really struggling with it all today. How on earth do you get over someone when one minute you're feeling one way then you're forced to do a U turn in your feelings and they show a completely different heartless side to them. It's really knocked me. Throw in later stages of pregnancy hormones and I'm all over the place.

Last time I posted here MN really helped and even highlighted some things I didn't realise which I took to WA so thank you. Just feel so sad tonight.

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 21/04/2022 00:11

I'm not sure why you'd want someone who was abusive to be at the appointments or to be in your life in any way. I get that it's a complete u-turn but you need time to process and accept this before making any long term decisions about the future.
He might act differently once the baby is here, who knows. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it isn't the baby he's rejecting/hurting right now, it's you.
I know it's hard right now, all your hopes and plans for the future are gone, with him in it, but you have to concentrate on yourself and the baby now.

Walkingalot · 21/04/2022 00:16

Sorry, just read that back and it sounds quite cold. I didn't mean to be. I really feel for you.

bluebell34567 · 21/04/2022 00:57

if i understand correct you cant understand how he can change like that.
in your position i would accept that he is not a good person. he doesnt care about you or the baby.
if he cared about the baby he would ask and want to attend to the appointments.
its best to accept that nothing will come from him. dont look forward if he will contact, etc. and dont contact him in anyway. that way you will have some peace.
it is hard and i am very sorry for your situation😣. but with your teenage son you will get there.
continue your contact with WA.

Baby3at40 · 21/04/2022 08:42

@Walkingalot @bluebell34567 I know what you're saying is right, absolutely. I guess it's just so difficult and a complete headspin.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 21/04/2022 11:07

Baby3at40 · 21/04/2022 08:42

@Walkingalot @bluebell34567 I know what you're saying is right, absolutely. I guess it's just so difficult and a complete headspin.

agree. it is so hard. but it is the reality.
and you will get there.

bluebell34567 · 21/04/2022 11:09

if it means days, months. you will get there.

Baby3at40 · 21/04/2022 20:56

@bluebell34567 I think I kinda know it will get better I just want that to happen quicker. I hate feeling like this

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 21/04/2022 22:21

@Baby3at40 Hope you are OK. x

Baby3at40 · 21/04/2022 22:57

@Walkingalot a bit better tonight. I guess there will be good days and bad days. Just still in a bit of shock at the lack of wanting to attend the appointments to know first hand info about the baby. He's expecting me to just email him the info - I'm not his PA! He needs to make effort for her 😔

OP posts:
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