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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hubby secretly messaging

18 replies

TC16 · 20/04/2022 20:26

I'm in a mess! My husband of 19 years had suddenly started being overly protective over his phone. After weeks of spotting meesages with heart & kiss emojis I finally asked who he was messaging & he said no one. To cut a long story short, after literally wrestling his phone from him he'd been sending his new female work colleague messages on Whatsapp that he immediately deletes, but I managed to see a few: "did I not tell you that you look beautiful today" he's not called me beautiful in years especially as I've lost a lot of weight. After threatening to throw him out & calling her it's slowed down but in the last 5 days they're in contact again & he's deleting them again. He says I'm jealous, paranoid & crazy. He was remorseful for a few days but now he says he's done nothing wrong. I've always said - if nothing is going on then you would show the messages to prove that I am indeed being paranoid & silly. Am I being an idiot or would you get out? Previously if I'd been secretive with a male college messaging he'd of thrown me out especially if I was still doing it.
He's always likes every single one of her posts but missed mine when I got a promotion, mother's day etc etc.
He promised he'd make amends but I spent Easter in my lounge on my own as usual other than bedtime when he wanted sex it's the only time he's affectionate.
Feel like I'm going crazy !?! Am I wasting my time?

OP posts:
seensome · 20/04/2022 20:32

You're wasting your time, it's over, I'm sorry to hear he's so heartless to cheat on you and treat you so badly. You're not jealous or paranoid, you've seen the evidence, does he think your that stupid to be gaslighted. You are not!

Owwlie · 20/04/2022 20:35

Sorry but I would leave if I were you OP. He’s flirting with her at the very least. If I were you I could never trust him again, even if he stopped messaging her.

MrMrsJones · 20/04/2022 20:38

EA at least
Full blown affair at max

Either way he is disrespectful and you should divorce him.

Scamdemic · 20/04/2022 20:42

You're not jealous, paranoid or crazy at all, what he is doing is wrong.

LollyLol · 20/04/2022 20:47

You need to kick him out. It's clear cut.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 20/04/2022 20:51

Follow your gut instinct. You know what is happening. Do not allow yourself to be gaslit.

Sunnytwobridges · 20/04/2022 20:55

Sounds like an emotional affair. It's not something I could come back from, or at least it would be tough for me to ever trust again.

FartSock5000 · 20/04/2022 20:57

Your instincts are spot on. Chuck him out like the trash bag he is.

Let the other woman have him.

You can then focus on yourself and hopefully there is someone more deserving of you on the near future! 👑

Eightiesfan · 20/04/2022 21:08

You’re paranoid, you’re crazy, you’re mad, you’re imagining things, all these were thrown at my DM by my cheating pig of a father about his numerous affairs throughout their marriage.
I’m really sorry OP but your marriage is over, please do not ignore this and stay, my mum did and at the age of 76 had to go through a nasty divorce and then have the horror of him remarrying within a month. Don’t waste your time on this waste of space.

Cheeseandlobster · 20/04/2022 21:13

You deserve so much better than this disrespectful shit. How dare he treat you like this? I am very sorry you are having to go through this

CrowAndArrow · 20/04/2022 21:15

He sounds bloody awful OP.

Why are you with him ?

Kitty901 · 20/04/2022 21:17

He is definitely either having an affair or planning to or may be just having a flirt to boost his confidence! Either way, this is wrong and you are right to be worried. I wouldn't rush to say to kick him out as i don't know your personal situation but have a very good conversation with him and tell him that he will loose you if he continues that way. I have been on the other side, had a married colleague with kids messaging me that sort of things and learnt that when a man does that, they normally want to take it further. He isn't just messaging her for the fun, he wants something more and will get it if she gives in. Is he normally like this? How is your relationship in general?

dumdumduuuummmmm · 20/04/2022 21:19

I'm sorry OP. Your DH is not only behaving inappropriately but he is doing it whilst knowing that you know. That is such an unbelievably crass action and it shows he has zero respect for you and feels emboldened enough to do it as either he doesn't care if you split up or he thinks you won't.

Shinydiscoballs1 · 20/04/2022 21:55

Yes you are wasting your time, get rid and make yourself happy

bumpermom · 21/04/2022 14:43

Wow, kick his ass out ! Don't be manipulated by this liar.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 17:30

So you've seen his overtly sexual messages to another woman, and he knows this, and he tells you you're mad for thinking something's going on?

Come on, OP. You know what you know. The problem is, when he says you're mad, you think he might be right. Get rid of that thought, and everything will change.

layladomino · 21/04/2022 19:21

Yes he's a waste of your time.

He's chatting up / coming on to another woman, and even though you know - and he knows how upsetting that is - he doesn't care enough about you to stop.

He sounds vile. You desserve better.

TC16 · 22/04/2022 11:56

Thank you all - I think deep down in my heart i know he's a wanker - I just needed to see it from others sides & to be honest, the replies were what I was expecting.
I did call the woman & she just says they're freinds, he's not her type & vice versa which he said the same.
It's so, so sad. I'm heartbroken. But thank you all xxx

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