Not sure I can carry on with this relationship

[Lottie4]

I'm not saying I'm perfect in the our relationship, but I find my DM very hard work. She's a very negative person, has no friends as they're always in the wrong over things and she only has me and my Auntie (just about) in the family.

Two latest examples:

We visit my DU and DA before Xmas. I have one day off a week off on run up to Xmas, on top of which DH is on an on call rota. I phone my DA to see if the one or two dates we have are ok (DU sometimes goes off to a sporting event). Agree on a date. Then phone my Mum and ask if she'd like to come with us - it's the only way she can get there and she never does anything on a Saturday. Last time, she got huffy, said no as she's only an add on, then hung up. She phoned me back two weeks later as if nothing had happened.

Latest, we visited DD abroad returning on Good Friday - it was the only time DH, myself and DD were free. Phoned my DM on arrival in UK (late pm) to let her know we'd got back safely. DH asked me on plane if it'd be ok to drop Easter Eggs off to his family Saturday afternoon - I said fine as I wanted to invite my Mum for a roast Sunday or day out Monday, which we rarely get chance to do. Saturday morning collected cats from cattery, put two lots of washing on and went food shopping. Phoned Mum to invite her Sunday or Monday, she chose Monday. Phoned her Sunday am, she was in a huff as she'd got flowers for my Dad's grave and no one to take her up there and said only people who aren't cared about don't have flowers on their grave . I only take my DM to grave because I feel I have to, as half of the time she finds some way to run my Dad down, and I'd rather go on my own to have my own quiet thoughts. Phoned twice Monday to see if she was still ok to come, she didn't answer.

She's just tried to phone. I love her, but I can't take another how many years of this. I'm also aware that she's an 80 year old lady with no company and no one to help if I'm not around. DH says it'll only make it worse if I don't speak to her (he is great as he also tolerates a lot with her) - it won't as I'm sure she's already got a script written out for every scenario of the one way conversation/argument when it happens.

Not really sure why I'm posting this, but any thoughts appreciated.

I feel for you, OP - it sounds like you go out of your way to see your mum when you can manage, whereas she doesn’t sound very understanding of your busy life and other commitments. Yes, she’s advancing in years, but that doesn’t mean she is allowed to be rude to you!

Perhaps your mum feels as if you are fitting her in with all of your other busy arrangements and I wonder if it would benefit both of you if you made time for her on her own without some other agenda so she feels grateful to be included. That's how your post reads to me OP

Have you ever called her out on her behaviour?

Thank you for your replies.

Maybe arranging to see her without an agenda might be an option. Only thing is Saturdays are my only free day and I've texted joint friends asking them to meet this Saturday. My Mum will have a huff if I get in touch and then tell her she'll have to wait ten days before we/I see her (and the length of time it's taken me to give her an Easter Egg and presents from time away - even though she clearly didn't want to come last Monday). We're free other times (evenings) but she doesn't seem to like being out after teatime and if it included tea on a Sunday certainly wouldn't want to wait for DH to cook it (he usually does it when he's ready as I have a long day on my feet and my ankles and legs swell).

Hard to call her out on her behaviour as she has an immediate answer and won't let me speak.

My mum used to get huffy if she wasn’t invited to events. She didn’t want to go just wanted to be invited. She didn’t drive, and wouldn’t host.

she had a lot of trouble not realising she wasn’t the most important person in the room. I think she thought that she lived in a society where she as the matriarch should be attended to, and listened to first and before anyone else. She was a shit mother when we were all younger, but that didn’t play into her reasoning.

if we were having a big family dinner, and while the rest of us were bringing food to the table and sorting the kids out, she would have seated herself at the table and piled her plate up. By the time the host sat down, she would be on her seconds.

I can offer no advice, she drove me crazy. Perhaps have someone IRL that you can vent to, and will offer bucket loads of sympathy.

So she didn’t come on the Monday because you wouldn’t drive her to the grave on Sunday? That’s cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Tbh I’d take some time out from it. It sounds like it’s worn you down and to keep pretending it isn’t happening means she’ll never change. There’s no incentive to.

Guessing you are an only child? It’s ok to have a break from her OP. She’s isolated herself. You didn’t do that.

One of the options offered was to come here for a meal on Sunday, cemetery is a mile or two from her, that we could have included that. I suspect (know) the issue is that I didn't take her Good Friday (as that's the day she always chooses that day) or the Saturday.

Yes, I am an only child. I've had this on and off for about 12 years (with us having an eighteen month break at one stage) (and I can remember my Dad was often in the wrong) but it seems to be getting worse. Mentally I really don't think I can cope in the future, as spending time with her wears me down - and she'll obviously need more time and help as she grows older. DH is fantastic, he just accepts she's part of the package even though she always seems to be picking an argument with him over something on the news!