How long before new partner meets children?

[maiafawnly]

For context, i have 2 teenage children and one adult child still living at home, and have been single (in their eyes, ive had dates etc and seen people for a short period but not to their knowledge) for a little over 3 years now. How soon into a relationship that feels like it has the potential to get serious would you wait before introductions to the kids and coming over? He lives a fair distance away so getting to know one another by meeting regularly is difficult. Ive now known him 6 months, been dating for 4. I have zero child free weekends to spend away from the home or have him come here as their bio father is no nc.

Thanks

if it were me, I would be at least a year before I introduced them.

I would give it another couple of months so you'll have been together about 6 months at that point. Your children are teenagers, they know people have relationships - but do they really not even know you have a 'friend'?

If you have an adult child still living at home could you not, just once, ask them to be responsible for the teens so you can have a child free weekend?

Once you actually know the person. You've said it's been difficult getting to know him due to distance so it doesn't sound like you really know him all that well. I don't think you're children should be present whilst you're still at that stage.
How old are they? I'll often go out to meet a friend and leave my 13 year old at home for a few hours during the day. Even with distance can he not come and meet for lunches etc?
Regardless of children I think 4 months of long distance dating is way too soon to be inviting a man into your home.

We waited a year and my DP was still hammered by his ex in the family courts for it being 'too soon' and she tried to stop contact 'while the situation is assessed'. I think a year of dating, spending a lot of time together and knowing you are serious is fine. 4 months of distance dating really is way too soon.

Similar situation to you, OP, except that my dating life looked like that for 10 years.

I always had a 6 month minimum rule for meeting the children which meant that only one of them ever did!

With the man I'm seeing now, well that was about 4 weeks. But I also have a teen and an adult child. Both met him after a few weeks and I met his children and his mum around the same time.

But I'd known him for a few years before we got together and, as far as we are both concerned, this is it now. I agree that 4 months distant dating is a bit different.

I do think the rules can be slightly different around older children. They would spend less time with a partner and be less likely to bond with them in a way that would be detrimental to them should the relationship breakdown but you still don't know him well as a person.

I'd also take into account my children's view of someone I dated now in way I wouldn't when they were younger.

What does your partner think? I met my now-DH's children after 10 months. By that point we knew it was serious and I felt comfortable meeting them, however they were much younger (9 & 11) so it needed to be a little slower. To me - assuming your DP is ready - 6 months for 13+ children wouldn't be wild. They are able to understand the situation far better than a younger child.

They know i have friends. We meet up once/twice a week at the minute, hes not too far away, 30 min drive but i dont drive and it takes me like 2 hours on trains and taxis as he lives pretty remote. So if i go his he cant drive me home if he wants a drink - and nor would i expect him to taxi me around all the time or be the one coming to where i live every week. We speak online at night and they hear us chatting about shared interests. The same they do with all my other friends i speak to online at night so they dont know this is someone im potentially forming a relationship with.

i leave them to go out of an evening but i dont want to leave them overnight. My eldest is 20 then the other two are 16&14 which is too young for overnights alone. My eldest is too temperamental to be responsible for any period of time unfortunately.

i wasnt planning on introducing them right away. But i think its something i see happening in the future. 6 months of exclusive dating to begin introducing them, then wait a couple of months after that before he comes into our home was my thinking, but i think im seeking validation that that thought process is along the right lines! This is all very alien to me.

thanks for the replies so far

A year. 4 months long distance dating is no time at all.

I would wait at least a year if it were me.

IMO a year is far too long because by the time you’ve been together a year your relationship is well established, and children bring a whole new dynamic. Besides which, the more established the couple are, the harder it is to walk away when things don’t work with children in the mix.

Added to which, your children are adult and teens. We’re not talking babies here who don’t realise that mummy is potentially dating they know the score. They will know you’re potentially dating, and if you’re planning on spending more time together there’s IMO very little reason why they can’t be introduced.

A year is too long and unnecessary I would say 6m is fine they are teens not toddlers

For those saying wait a year, what do you propose a parent of teens tells their kids? Do they just never tell them anything about where they’re going, make no mention of the fact that they do date, and then introduce this bloke they’ve been seeing for a year into the mix?

The truth is that that approach may work with primary aged children, but it isn’t going to wash with teenagers. You’re not just going to be able to introduce a new man as “mummy’s friend,” as soon as you introduce them they’re going to want to know how long you’ve been seeing each other, and in some instances, why you didn’t feel you could introduce them sooner.

If you’re not planning to introduce a new man to teenagers, the teenagers should at least be aware that the parent does go out on dates.

Ime your older dc won't be traumatised meeting a man you know.
My older dc met my now dh within a few weeks. I felt deceitful meeting him behind their back!
They really liked him and suggested he met the younger dc. If they hadn't at least liked each other there was no point carrying in seeing him!

I think I'd be guided by the children's ages, how well /not well they are adjusting to separated parents and also how harmonious the co-parenting arrangement is.

But at a minimum, for me it would be after a year. Mainly because I think people need that to get to know anyone properly, see what the relationship looks like after the first flush, and really settle in getting to know a person properly. It's after that point I'd introduce him to family. Up until then he'd be "guy I'm dating". FWIW, with this partner of 18 years so far I felt strongly early on that he was the One, and I was right, but he still didn't get introduced to family until about a year of dating.

I dumped someone for leaving it too long to introduce me to his kids. Over 18 months.
The day after his ex announced that she had a new boyfriend and he was meeting the kids.
My ex was devastated.
If I mean that much, I want to meet the people you love the most.
If not, I'm out.
6 months max.

I think for teens it's fine for them to know you are dating someone at this point - they will surely understand that it's part of life? It's not like you are moving him in. And once they know you are dating, he can drop by and say hello when picking you up or something, as a casual intro.

It was a year before my partner introduced me to his children but they were far younger and the split happened not long before we got together so it was more about giving them time to adjust to that.

For teens onwards, I'd just say let them know you're going on a date, and if they ask questions just answer them. Then introduce him casually in passing.

Just to add, a year was a real struggle and it nearly broke us up. It got to a point where we were in a serious relationship and it was harder to avoid us meeting than it would have been to just introduce us, and it prevented me attending things like birthdays etc for dp and family members I had already met, like his mum etc.

A year was appropriate in our case but it really was a struggle, and if it hadn't been for the children only recently having seen their parents split I probably wouldn't have stuck around to wait for so long.

i leave them to go out of an evening but i dont want to leave them overnight. My eldest is 20 then the other two are 16&14 which is too young for overnights alone

My 15 year old stays home alone overnight on occasion. She really likes it. Sometimes she has a friend over to stay.

Are you sure they're too young?

God, with my mum I knew she went on days from when I was 15. And she knew when I went on them. It was just normal life for gods sake.

My children are younger so my ex and I agreed four months before anyone was introduced. As it happened, he had several falter at 3 months which was why we decided that. Then we both met our now long term partners and I KNEW instantly that that is what my boyfriend would be. He met them after 4 months. We are planning to move in together at our 2 year anniversary and, for now he sees them once or twice a week, slowly integrating into family life.

When I was a teen my mother's love life had no impact, especially as the first boyfriend didn't live with us and she married the second.

I introduced my partner to my dc at 5 months. They were 12 and 14 at the time. We were going to wait 6 months but I told them I had met someone and they asked to meet him a little earlier than I had planned so I went with it.

We met somewhere neutral and did an activity together and then he only saw them occasionally for a while as he lived an hour away. He moved to my town about a year ago to be closer so they see him more now but I still keep mum life and relationship life quite separate. We have been together almost 3 years now and my dc are the same age as your younger two. I think it's very different introducing teens than younger dc as they are unlikely to see him as a potential father figure. Just take it at their pace and don't rush things with them or him.

I have a 5 and a half month old when would be a good time to introduce her to a new partner. At the moment she loves everyone and is such a people person which makes me think she’d take well to it especially while she doesnt really understand but i am worried about introducing her too soon even though my partner cant wait to meet her.

I would start mentioning him and saying that you're meeting him to do x,y,z etc and take it from there.

I don't think it matters to much for a 5 month old baby! As long as he doesn't develop a step-father relationship with her too quickly.