Am I being gaslighted?

[Whatsinaname321]

Can somebody please explain gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour to me.
I am trying to work out of that is what is going on here if I am being unfair.

@CheekyHobson thank you so much for your earlier entry you have explained gas l

Sorry sent too soon, but just to say you've have explained how I feel to an absolute T, I feel so frustrated and confused all the time I've been trying to intimidate separation but always talked around with empty promises etc and now I just don't believe any of it. I have been too scared to end it as he won't take any responsibility and I don't want the guilt, however your post has given me the strength to toughen up and self ace the music so to speak!

@Whatsinaname321 I hope things improve for you or you find some clarification after reading the replies, Thankyou for starting this thread xx

The gaslighting continues. I mention something I’m not happy with, I get told it’s my fault, I’m causing problems. nothing is his fault, if I did things differently then the things I am complaining about would not exist.
fortunately, I can see the situation for what it is now.

Hey @Whatsinaname321 how are things with you? Hope you are feeling better now you can see clearer your other half's destructive behaviour xxx

Thank you for asking.
I’m not too bad. Terribly frustrated and angry at myself for allowing this to continue for far longer than I should have put up with it.
but now I am keeping a journal and have an end date in mind it feels like my mind is a bit more free.
I have come to realise that I am not the unreasonable person I have been made out to be and being aware of that makes my decisions a bit easier to make.

If anyone is still following:
I am Making plans to get out of this relationship. I have made it very clear to DH that I want out.
I’ve been called all sorts of names, told how horrible I am, told how I am going to ruin all
of our Childrens lives, how I am ruining his life, how I have been stringing him along with false ideas etc etc.
But the advice given here has been excellent in helping me to listen to the blame accusations and not really pay too much attention to them. It is difficult because my children are my absolute priority but I’m staying strong so far.
I haven’t confided in anybody IRL yet. So I have no support in all of this. I will only tell people when it is too late for them to try and change my mind and tell
me how hood I have got it and what a good husband DH is and that I shouldn’t throw it away.

So if you get a label from a group of anonymous posters - only then will you know if you are being treated unfairly or not?

come on op. You know the facts of the situation and whether or not you are being treated unfairly. You are are grown assed, capable woman!

No that’s not the case at all notagamer
have you ever been in a situation where you are being gaslighted?
It’s actually pretty difficult to work things out when you are constantly being made out to be a horrible person. It takes a while before you realise your confidence has been destroyed and your mind has been twisted to the extent that you can’t even see the truth of the situation anymore.
of course I know I am being treated unfairly if I don’t feel able to talk about any issues with my partner but it has taken me some time to gain the confidence to do something about it.

Hi @Whatsinaname321
I read your thread a few months ago & saved it cos it all felt so familiar 😒 How's everything going with you since? Have you made any more plans to get out? I hope so.

@gummychops things are moving in the right direction. Husband knows I want divorce and he is looking for somewhere to live. Very slow and frustrating progress but it is progress all the same. He is still coming at me with the gaslighting and blame but I have real life support now which is helping me get through it.

Do you feel like you are going insane? do conversations result in no further forward with no real answers? Do you find it hard to concentrate on the discussions with him and go off track due to his deflections? does he show empathy? if you feel trapped and insane and generally just cant work him out, googling his behaviour and just generally thinking about the situation obsessively but no resolution then these kind of things are red flags

I'm glad to hear that. It's a really shitty situation, but it's good that he seems to be accepting that things are at an end, if he's actually looking for somewhere else to stay.
I can only wish for that. My husband is nowhere near accepting that there's a problem.... apart from with me obviously, the cause of everything 😒

Yes, I am experiencing all the things that you mention.
and one minute he is agreeing that we need to split and he is looking for somewhere to live and the next minute he wants to make things work between us.
I don’t want to make things work. It’s really difficult because he keeps repeating the same things at me, almost trying no to convince himself that I am the bad guy and all the problems have been caused by me. That it is me that is making him behave the way he does.
i am so mentally exhausted with it.
i just need him to go. I still love him and I guess there are aspects of him that I will miss, but the relationship is toxic now and I can’t stay in it. I’m still young enough to start a new life without him.

Good for you, @Whatsinaname321 , you are making progress. It can seem like it is moving at a snail’s pace because of him but keep in mind that you don’t need his permission or approval to take whatever steps will move things forward or make life easier for you, whether that’s speaking to lawyers, taking space for yourself, going out with friends etc. You already know that it doesn’t matter what you say or do, he will make it into a problem so just accept that he won’t like it but as long as you are behaving in a way you know is civil and legal, it does not matter if he calls it “unfair” or “unkind” or whatever. These types of men regard everything that doesn’t have their own personal preferences (note: preferences, not rights, health or safety) at the very tippy top of your priority list as unfair or unkind.