50+ living separate or together?

[evianvolvic]

One for those 50+ here: I have a good job not planing to retire yet. partner retired house paid off. we live separate. partner suggested I consolidate with him into a property together. He doesn't want to move into mine (apartment), he prefers his house. I can't live in his house, it is far for me to commute (and expensive rail ticket) and too much work around it. My place is very comfortable (location, quiet, lift, great neighbours), I can truly relax after work. I suggested downsizing somewhere we both like but he says he wants to keep living in a big house as he needs space hence we should consolidate.
I look after my mother too so need to keep that in mind.
I have no children. Partner has adult children with families.
I wonder if anyone here is in a similar position.

what does he mean by “consolidate”?
is he proposing that you both sell and use the money to buy somewhere (big) together? how does he envisage the financial side working out?

the obvious solution, if this is what he means, is to buy somewhere bigger but in your current location.

it’s quite hard to work out some halfway house between completely separate and all-in together, financially and legally.

Other considerations: if you buy together, what happens re. His children? Would you buy as tenants in common or joint? If it’s the former, his children may inherit his half should he die. If it’s the latter, then you’d automatically inherit it all on his death: is that what he wants ?

How long have you been together?

Why don't you just stay as you are? I don't see why either of you need to uproot and compromise for something neither of you want. It's perfectly acceptable to be in a relationship but live separately.

Stay separate!

You have all the best of your relationship already; independence, financial and domestic self-determination, freedom to act exactly as you choose, the ability to walk away whenever you want … You command respect and decent behaviour from him in part because he knows you have a choice. Once you’re domestically and inevitably financially enmeshed things may change.

Moving in together will bring an infinite number of disadvantages.

How long have you been together? How do you get on with his children? How does he get on with them? Whether for good or ill any shared home will also be his children’s parental home.

How ready are you to become his live-in carer if he should become ill? (Not age related, just a thing that can happen to anyone.) If you’re ill do you want him around all the time?

There’s no limit to the amount of time you can spend together, even if you live separately. The amount of time you can spend apart will be severely limited once you co-habit. And that’s not always a good thing.

Is he wanting you to sell your flat, he sells his place and you buy together?
I wouldn't be doing that. You are financially independent and secure and have a place you like in a location which meets your needs. Why throw it all up in the air for no good reason.
It would bring a load of issues with it - such as inheritance issues. If he dies before you and his children inherit which they probably will (and not you, unless he marries you and/or changes the will), you'll be in a situation where you might have to sell the property because they want their half of it which leaves you then looking for somewhere else to live.
I'm not even 50 yet but there's no way I will be moving in with anyone ever again and certainly not selling my small flat to contribute to a bigger property.
Who is going to clean and maintain this bigger property? Because it's going to be a hell of a lot more work than an apartment.
Bigger properties cost more to run too and why would you want one at 50 plus. It will just end up being a burden.
Stay where you are and keep the relationship as it is.

Well there's 2 things here.....firstly do you want to live with him? And secondly, he sounds like a bit of a tool insisting he still wants a big house - does he only want you to move in to help out financially?

I'm 51, I cannot imagine living with someone again. I would stay put if I were you.

Agreed. Living together is not always the end all be all of a relationship. Hell sometimes it ends a perfectly good relationship.

@CountryCousin I do not spend much time with his family, I have my mother and other interests, we (children and I) are polite and civilised etc but not intense. They do not respect him like I do respect my mother. Some of their behaviour I find rude but I do not get involved. Other strange thing is his house needs refurbishment and a lot of TLC. My place is my little kingdom, I have things all new and I love clean and tidy. I gently suggested few tweaks in his house, mainly to just refresh (walls, new carpets) but he doesn't want to 'invest any money'. That worries me too because I do like nice things. I guess best have separate homes but he does insist on being under one roof and me renting my place out. My gut feel says no.

I wouldn’t move in with him let alone sell your flat to ‘consolidate’. There really is no reason that benefits you,
is there?

You’re in the area you like, close to your work & mother. You have your home the way you like it,

what would you gain by moving in with him let alone combining finances in one property.

im 50s. I’ve noticed this as a trend with female friends. The man is mad keen to move in together and/or buy property together.

I wonder why?

@shmess yes all the inheritance stuff crossed my mind too. I mean we are getting older, if anything we want to relax not run around cleaning and heating big house, not with current prices! I just wonder what the motivation is.
I have a lovely place in Spain that I bought years ago half with my sister and we spend time there with her family, my mother loves it there, he has not been there yet but we could spend time there too, no need for a big house here. He talks a lot about a big garage but he doesn't even have a car. His current garage is empty. I have a car in the underground parking in my new build.

Just say no. It sounds more like he wants a housekeeper than you to move in. Friends who have done this have ended up doing all the cleaning, looking after a place, as they want it nice and the partner doesn't care.

It's hard to compromise and live together at any point never mind when you are a bit older and used to your own way. And if he's 'insisting' that is a bit odd.

Just live your own way apart till if feels right to move in. And that may be never.

@VaddaABeetch interesting you saying it being a trend because another divorced friend told me similar story couple of weeks ago. she got a settlement and wanted to buy but new partner is insisting on combining finances. what for? he has his place why can't she have hers? She mentioned that her solicitor told her to be careful now that she has the money and is a free woman. No kids, no debt.

I’m older than you. I have a lovely home I’m happy in. No mortgage and have financial freedom. Like you I have an elderly mum in her early nineties I will never abandon. She lives close enough for regular visiting.
My chap & I have been together more than ten years. He has his own home too. He lives over 100 miles away so we commute! Sometimes at his for a while, sometimes at mine. We holiday together, have joint friends, are totally committed to our relationship. We don’t share finances at all apart from sharing or treating each other when out and about. We are generous to one another.
Our respective adult children don’t interfere & we all get on ok when we all meet up.
I will never buy a house with him either in joint names or as “tenants in common.” It’s a minefield & I have worked too hard for my current freedoms when we are not spending time together. I value my own space as does he.
Listen to your gut. It’s your second brain. Don’t buy or move in with him. It doesn’t sound right for you.

My grandmother had an expression.

He wants a nurse with a purse! Not saying your chap is like that.

@VaddaABeetch hahaha wise grandmother. it all crossed my mind. and then you wonder where is the love? we are young there are dramas, we get older and wiser, still dramas lol

@evianvolvic love is different at different ages?

in your 20/30s. It’s all hearts & flowers & together forever & babies & stuff.

50 plus you can still have the romance but forever is a lot shorter than it was & most of us have different commitments, A mistake in our 50s is a much bigger one than in our 29s. More for most to loose financially & less time to make it up.

but he does insist on being under one roof and me renting my place out

He doesn’t get to insist.

Just. Say. No.

Why does he think he should decide that you must give up all your peace and security? Remember you’re seeing the best of him (and his family) now. Any tiny annoyances you feel towards him now would increase a million times once you’re trapped in a house with him. A house you’ll be expected to clean …

says he wants to keep living in a big house as he needs space hence we should consolidate

I suspect he wants the status of a big house rather than living with you. My friend is similar age to you and she says her partner seems to be needy, he wants them to live together so he knows where she is, not in a controlling sense just reassurance that she is there for him, when he wants. He also sees the benefit of sharing household tasks but she's aware he will do less housework than her.

His focus should be on the living together, rather than buying a bigger place. If you asked him why he wants to live together what would he say?

The love is when you both compromise, not one person saying 'move in here to my house where everything is mine and you get lots of extra jobs'. Thats not 'the love' thats 'the pisstake'. Stay where you are unless he comes up with something that really (really) appeals to you. Which I doubt he will as then it wont all be on his terms (sorry 50yrs creates a fair amount of cynicism).

Oh god definitely stay separate. Is he willing to compromise on anything at all? It doesn't sound like it, and if you "consolidate", whatever that means, then when he becomes so selfish you just can't stand it anymore it will be hell to get yourself out of.

Ouf OP stay exactly where you are !

having said that, what do you see as your role in his life ? in the future ? and his in yours? Do you expect to be together, in sickness and health ? What happens if you move in together and within 10-15 years he needs care ?

in short, is this relationship going to «see you out »?

Seriously, just keep him as your 'gentleman caller'. Do not give up your hard-earned independence, peace of mind, comfort and security.

Beware of a man who doesn't appear to want to spend money . . . . .

There were some very similar threads to yours earlier this week......

The answers are the same - he is using you and your money.

If you are the same poster as the previous similar threads - I think you are barking up the wrong tree. The problem is really NOT about whether to invest ina 4 bed house with him but really about your relationship and coming to terms with the fact that your 50yr boyfriend has:

• strung you along


• lied to you


• potentially wasted your fertile years


• using your money and investments for his financial gain

May I ask - what exactly is the benefit to you out of this arrangement? Honestly?

If you are the same poster - rather than asking the same question about getting a bigger house with your bf (which are only getting the same answer anyway) - perhaps you need to be asking for help and support with the way he has treated and deceived you already and your next steps (of which even considering to buy a house - any house anywhere - is not an option).

Your set-up sounds so lovely OP - a nice apartment/flat to your taste, a holiday bolthole, a job you like and freedom. His "plan" sounds like a bucketful of actual and potential stress. I cannot see anything thats in it for you, and if something goes wrong in a new housing and living arrangement it will take you years to put right. This is the time of life for some more peace one hopes, as you say, with some relief from all the d-r-a-m-a!!!