Weekend alone with narcissistic mother - tactics needed!

[Nomore45]

Over the years I have managed to limit time with my truly toxic mother - she is a classic narcissist. I live in a different country but I do visit occasionally and I do what is required for family occasions just to keep the peace. Though I would prefer to go minimum contact or no contact with my mother, I don't feel I can do that as it would leave one of my sisters (a fellow scapegoat) at the total mercy of my mother and our youngest sister (who is the golden child).

To facilitate my mother seeing her grandson, I have arranged for her to come to the city where he is studying (he is first year at uni), which means I will be alone with her for three nights. I'm incredibly anxious about this and have not slept well in days as I know what is coming my way. She will make everything about her, nothing will be good enough and there will be long conversations about my 'golden child' sister needing all sorts of help while my feelings will be hurt, minimised and dismissed. I do not want a confrontation, but she has already begun needling and I feel myself getting angry.

I would appreciate any suggestions or tips for getting through this weekend unscathed and without a big blow up. How do I stay zen? What can I say to distract and divert? Any help would be gratefully received.

Firstly, does your DS even want to see his grandmother? If you're only organising this because your mother wants it and your DS is indifferent then it's not too late to cancel.

Secondly, she know how to push all your buttons because she installed the buttons. If you've been conditioned from childhood to be hurt by her then tbh it'll need more advice, time and work to de-condition yourself than you can get from us before you see her. Constantly repeating to yourself "It's not me, it's her" and thinking of beautiful things might help. She probably doesn't actually need much input from you so thinking of her as a radio droning in the background and giving the odd "Mmm, you're probably right" might work.

You could lean into the narcissism a bit. Allowing her to talk about golden sister might distract her from dragging you down. "Sis is very lucky to have you to help her. What have you and she been up to lately?"

Don't give her ANY information about you. Don't correct her or explain anything when she's having a go about something in your life, just shrug and say something neutral like "I'll bear that in mind".

When it all gets too much go for a long shower or even a big poo to get a bit of a break.

Remember, you are fine. It's her that's wrong.

Arrange sightseeing.
Distraction.
Make sure DS is around for dinners.
As above nod, give minimal information "oh it's ok for the time being"

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar 'a big poo' - that's hilarious - thank you.

Appreciate all your other advice too. My DS would like to see her because (as with all classic narcissists) she can be incredibly charming to certain people and she has never hurt or upset my DS.

I like the idea of leaning in to the narcissism - I'll see how much I can stand!

Thanks @frozendaisy - I do have a couple of other buffers (apart from DS) coming for dinners and I will arrange more activities to keep us both busy.

Op she has never hurt or upset your DS YET. She will. Took my MIL 23 years before she turned on my dd. But she did.

Motnight has a point. OP, you are right, they can be very charming, until they are not. But they can turn on adult grandchildren to; I've seen it.

To the main point, can I ask why you are spending 3 "nights" with your mother? Night-time is not good, especially fuelled by alcohol or tiredness.

If you are in the same hotel, stay in separate rooms. Invent an illness (earache or something) which means you have to go to bed early. Agree with a previous poster, try and be out in public as much, or in a group, eg with your son. Limit contact to 2-3 hours at a time. Then have a break - you need a rest, you need to do something for work, shop for something. Then maybe meet up later for a short time. Be outside if weather permits, rather than inside.

Keep subjects light. e.g. Shopping, fashion, weather. Do not share much information e.g. about your feelings, friendships, relationships, plans, ideas, finances etc.

Stone wall

I dread any time I spend with my DM. I get stressed and anxious days before, which means I arrive stressed and anxious, and thus more vulnerable to getting upset. So, I have set a few ground rules for myself that minimize contact and therefore decreases the risk of rising to bait.

No visits longer than 3 days. Plan your visit well. Take DM somewhere nice for an outing that you will both enjoy (a market, a Cafe, shopping and so on).

Day 2 - go out somewhere for a break. Day 3 - endurance. Maybe read a book, watch something in your room, minimal contact. Day 4 I go home.

And grey rock. Don't engage in her baiting, do say very little about your life in general (helpful changes of subjects include talking about the weather, talking about the gardening and the weather, talking about sitting outdoors and the weather, nice walks and the weather).

All the very best!

Why are you subjecting your DS to her?

Your ds should believe you, his mother

Keeping the conversation about other family members is a good ploy and one which I use. I don't pass particular comment on the other family members but it's a topic she likes banging on about and if there's an awkward silence I can ask her to elaborate - my interest in the minutiae of other family members is at least plausible.

I've just come back from an overnight - one thing I found oddly helpful was every time I was alone (in the loo, going to bed, whatever) was to say to myself "x hours already gone, only y to go".

Don't bother telling her anything that matters to you. It only gives ammunition to needle or hurt you. The more boring you are the more she will want to dominate the conversation with things that interest her (her wonderful self) and it is quite easy to prompt further self-glorification so you just have to smile and nod. It's nauseating but if you must keep contact it is the only way (at least the only way I have found) to cope.

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my question. The weekend went as well as can be expected. I minimised contact between her and my son and her mask only began to really slip on the last day and by then I could see the finish line. I let her talk and talk about herself and that seemed to do the trick.