Things men say about their ex's from their view which actually isn't the full story

[Rosewaterblossom]

Hello,

I thought I'd start a thread which potentially de-codes the things some men say about their ex partners to new dates which the man probably believes (or has deluded himself to believe) that aren't actually the true story.

An example for the thread:

My ex used to speak to me like dirt and always nagged me. She wasn't like that in the beginning = I turned into a lazy bastard and she constantly nagged because I was a lazy bastard and she got fed up of having a manchild in the house.

I'm sure there's the classic "crazy ex" lines but it would be interesting to hear people's thoughts and input.

🙂

Why assume the negative? Maybe his ex really was unbearable, it does happen. How about giving the bloke the benefit of the doubt off the bat instead of assuming the worst about him?

That was just an example to kick the thread off 🙂

I am pretty sure my ex tells people I will only let him have DS two nights a week, while neglecting to add that this is his choice entirely, I have offered him more contact but there's always some reason why that won't work, and furthermore he always wants to bring DS home as early as possible when he does have him!

I don’t get what the example is supposed to be.

Your title is “things men say” but your example is “she this, she that”.

I had an ex like that. Would tell anyone who listened that he only got to have his ds for 4 weeks of the 13 weeks school holidays a year. The reality was, he chopped and changed/was unreliable and when he did have his ds he'd be all flustered, treated it like an inconvenience and ofter took him back early because "he had too much to get done" in his "busy" life.

That's why people say never let a man turn you against his ex (even if you never meet) and often when you break up your story mimics hers.

My ex told me that his nasty ex withheld his children from him, that she was a crazy liar and even accused him of hitting her to further alienate his children.

Now I have 4 dc that he doesn't see at all, and a lot of emotional damage from the dv relationship and its my turn to be the crazy ex who doesn't let him see his kids (2 are adults now) and accused him of dv (neglecting to tell people he pled guilty on one occasion).

I was a teen and he was in his 30s when we got together. Creepy as fuck.

@Mamette

I don’t get what the example is supposed to be.

Your title is “things men say” but your example is “she this, she that”.

Yes, "Things men say... about their ex's." Not things men say just in general.

In other words the lies men feed their dates/potential new partner about their ex to make her look crazy and him all sweet and victimised.

I was just going to type a post and then read yours and you’ve said everything I was going to say.

They really do have a script.

Someone my husband knows claims his ex is a controlling psycho bitch.

Mate, maybe she's controlling because you cheat like there's no tomorrow and EVERYONE knows.

One I had was "when we split she left me in loads of debt on a credit card." Turns out that meant it was his debt on a credit card in his name that he racked up whilst they were together (they had 2 dc.) They'd been split for 5 years, in that time he'd had a big redundancy payout (which he squandered by the sounds of it,) that would have more than covered the pay off of this debt and still have loads of money left. But he chose not to and just pay the minimum amount each month then blame his ex for the "debt" and why he's so poor now. He also complained about paying her child maintenance and said he'd kicked off at the CMS several times (who apparently treated him poorly) about the amount he was paying her.

It's more common then I realised for some men to blame their ex for their debt/financial situation/being poor. Yes some women do take men to the cleaners but I'm referring to the ones who deliberately play money martre to blame the ex.

My ex was an alcoholic narcissist and she liked to gaslight me and tell people I was the abusive one.

When I met her I thought it odd that one of her sons didn't live with her. She told me his dad was this and he was that, and that he kept him and didn't send him back etc. and now wouldn't speak/respond to her and had poisoned the child against her.

I thought this guy was awful... turns out he was definitely doing what was best for that child. She was an unfit mother. He eldest lad was 18 and autistic. She was too interested in getting pissed and talking to weird blokes on the internet than doing anything for him. She'd literally leave him in his room playing Minecraft 24/7 and in 18 months of being with her I think she asked him to come out somewhere with us once, maybe twice, because I prompted her. And on the occasion I remember, she started drinking and he got upset, because he hated it.

It was hell. I realised all of the things she'd said about exes and how awful they were was probably a pack of lies and at best, was just her perspective as nothing was ever her fault. She did a lot of damage to me mentally, but we live and learn.

"My crazy exwife was obsessed with money, & colluded with The Authorities to trash my reputation & make me homeless"

"I will never admit that I financially & emotionally abused my wife for 20 years, refused to work, was boozing day & night, told her if she ever left me I would kill her, & was eventually served with an injunction while the cops guarded her.
I will plead poverty & persuade you I Was Robbed, despite skating off with a fully paid-up car & a large un-earned cash sum."

Oh yes the "my ex was crazy and obsessed with money and now only spends the money I give her in child maintenance on nails/hair and nights out" 🙄

He wasn't able to work because he allowed me to pursue my career while he 'had to' stay home and look after the dc. (this did not include him doing housework by the way). I was apparantly crazy career driven.

Actually what happened was he was a lazy bastard, who didn't want to work, I had no option but to work full time after him refusing to work lost us the house. we had 3 dc under 3, I returned to work only 1 week after the 3rd dc was born. Not because I wanted a career, but because we had no money because he didn't want to work.
He tells this to everyone, as guess what, he still doesn't have a job, but now hes too old to get back into anything that pays decent apparently, you know after 'allowing me' to pursue my career.

We slplit a long time ago now and hes not worked since and not paid a penny towards the dc. And this is all my fault of course, being the career driven maniac (aka not wanting my dc to be homeless again so I worked my nuts off to make sure that didn't happen)

The trope that stands out for me is variations on a crazy ex narrative. The nastier the terms, the greater the red flag.

The way dh spoke about his exes stood out for me - he talked about ways they were incompatible, or what he’d learned about himself but he wasn’t disrespectful or disparaging. The closest he got to the crazy ex narrative was his bewilderment about a girlfriend who insisted on travelling hundreds of miles for a haircut.

I briefly dated one charmer until he described his ex as a dirty slut. I think that translated into “she has a new boyfriend, how very dare she”

The more generalised “you’re the only woman who understands me/you’re not like other women” is another massive red flag

@Bookworm20 I feel your pain. Cocklodging liars!

'She was really insecure'
She didn't like me leching after 18 year olds.

'She was really controlling':
She didn't like me going on lads nights out twice a week and waking her and the kids by rolling in drunk at 3am.

'She was really boring'
I'm a porn addicted, selfish, loud mouthed, borderline alcohol.

'We had nothing in common'
She's a really nice woman, and I'm an insufferable twat.

'Her family are really dodgy'
Her brother thumped me for trying to shag their mum.

'We drifted apart'
She left the country to get away from me.

My bil would lament every time we saw him as to how his ex had ruined his life by not letting him see his kids. He even went as far as to say “you know how I feel” when dp and I had a stillbirth…wtf??? He got a massive dressing down for that one

me and dp know the truth however - he is literally the worst person anyone could have a relationship with and all his misfortunes are his own doing

"She won't let me see the kids" = I moved hundreds of miles away and requested reduced contact. Now I just CBA to turn up.

"She took everything from me" = she took on a huge mortgage to buy me out of the marital home.

"She abused me" = I subjected her to every kind of abuse going until she snapped and tried to slap me once while I laughed at her for crying over my behaviour.

Oh, and to expand on "She took everything from me", the actual translation includes him pissing away the buy-out money so he is now sofa surfing.

My ex claimed to have been devastated by a former long-term girlfriend cheating on him. Although he suspected she was carrying on with someone else in the final months of their relationship he tried to "rise above it and just focus on himself." Naively, I was quite impressed by the strong, silent dignity of this response.

After he spent years emotionally abusing, gaslighting, ignoring and lying to me while accusing of me of being a paranoid and unreasonably demanding control freak who was never satisfied with anything he did, I realised he was actually a lazy, deceitful, empathy-bereft covert narcissist who had the cunning strategy of always positioning himself as a victim and his partner as his persecutor. I understood completely why his ex chose an 'exit affair' as a way to get out of the relationship, and that what he'd probably really done in the final months was act like she barely existed while he spent up massively on himself, as this was his regular pattern in relationships.

Told people I was crazy and dangerous.
Told people I stole money from him
That I made him sleep on the sofa for a year and wouldn't let him have any friends.

Truth is he's a lazy workshy cocklodging manchild addcited to porn and video games.

I'm sure my ex says horrible things about me, some may be true/twisted into a light that makes me look bad. He just keeps silent about his own shit that he pulled. The reality is we just weren't suited, and I think anyone who feels the need to slag off their ex shows they're either not over that relationship or they're a bitter person.

" I cheated because she got too 'womans' libbish' " = She stood up for herself and asked me to help her out about the house and share domestic responsibilities. I knew she was beginning to to see me as the lazy, entitled £ucker that I was and decided to put the feelers out for another more compliant replacement....