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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed

15 replies

Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 09:49

Hey guys,

So i broke up with my daughters dad last year and tbh it is my biggest regret.

Since then I did get in a relationship with another man but it has been so toxic and I have been depressed a long time now. I have had chats with my daughters dad about this and he has agreed to let us live there on a temp basis until I find something.

I have always regretted leaving him but obviously he's a bit more closed off which is completely understandable.

How do i try and make things work/ get him to want to be with me again without pushing him away? I want us to have another chance and I also dont want to keep moving around as Its not fair on my daughter. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Any advise xx

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/04/2022 13:57

Why did you break up with him in the first place? My initial thoughts are that you are romanticising your relationship with him, possibly because the one you were just in was so toxic but you did break up with him for a reason.

Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 14:09

You don't 'get' people to feel things, that's manipulation. And if he was the best thing that ever happened to you, you wouldn't have left him.

Rosewaterblossom · 20/04/2022 14:29

Sometimes you don't always realise something is good until it's gone. However, it depends why you left him? Could it be you're lost and searching for something/someone familiar and comfortable rather than actually wanting him back? If that's the case, after the initial fix of comfort, all the reasons why you wanted to leave will come back..

Original poster
Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 14:47

Hi @Rosewaterblossom , if im being honest we broke up as it turned into friends - that being said once i left I did realise what I lost, he is such a good man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 14:50

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat it turned into friends xx

OP posts:
a1poshpaws · 20/04/2022 16:05

You wouldn't be being fair or kind to him, to try to rekindle your relationship. When sexual desire goes - it's gone forever in my experience. He deserves to find someone who's turned on by him so that he can have a fulfilling sex life as well as companionship.

And, actually, so do you! Just because you picked a loser last time doesn't mean you should retreat to the comfort blanket of your daughter's dad. Living without a man isn't a bad thing at all - you can be your own person - or perhaps for the first time, figure out just who you ARE. And when you're confident that you don't need to rely on a man, you'll find you attract the sort of guy who respects you far more than the ones who're looking for a doormat.

(I promise!)

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/04/2022 16:07

it turned into friends

I'm reading this as you were no longer having sex. Were neither of you interested or did one of you want it more than the other?

I'm not asking to be nosy, just that one is a lot more fixable than the other.

Original poster
Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 16:18

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave that's correct. I think we both wanted it but the longer we left it the harder it got.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 20/04/2022 16:21

How will it effect your daughter if you move back with her father? Will you move out again when it suits you?

Fireflygal · 20/04/2022 16:22

What is your relationship history? Have you ever been single for a period of time?

I think you are looking for stability and he represents safe. It's kind of him to house you and your daughter but it's probably best that you try to live alone and be single for a while.

Original poster
Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 16:29

@GrazingSheep No thats the last thing I want x

OP posts:
Original poster
Gem8701 · 20/04/2022 16:30

@Fireflygal I have yeah xx

OP posts:
Sarkymarky · 20/04/2022 16:37

Seems to me that the grass was not greener so you want to go back to "safe" but your ex is not an insurance for you to fall back on you cannot and should not use him as such. Find your own place and find yourself instead of jumping between men

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 16:37

Perhaps you really don't know what a healthy relationship should be, and compared to the loser you're currently with, your ex doesn't seem that bad. But that doesn't mean you should get back with him. Think about your daughter and how she's being jerked around in all of this. You need to take a lot of time and figure yourself out before you jump right back into a relationship that clearly wasn't working the first time.

BeautifulMom · 20/04/2022 16:48

You might consider some sort of couples therapy. Even if it’s just to reconcile your emotions, so that you can move forward as parents. It may be a good context for you to address all the things still in the way, and if it doesn’t make sense, you’ll know that too.

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