Do you ever get over the trauma of divorce?

[DowntonTrout]

I was married for 27 years to a man who I thought was my best friend. I came downstairs one night to find him messaging someone. He left the house 7 minutes later and that was that. He was having an affair.
My whole life disappeared that night 2 and a half years ago. He very quickly cut me out of our business leaving me with no money. Told all our friends and family that there was no other woman- that I was making it up. This cut off all my support as he’s very credible and made me look like a mad woman. No one believed that he had someone else. Covid hit and lockdown meant I was even more isolated.
It eventually came out that he had had a child with her. The baby was 7 months old when my daughter found out by chance. It was someone much younger who worked in our business.
I’ve discovered so much more over the last 2 years. Other affairs. It’s like my whole life has been a lie.
I have pulled myself up during this time, started my own business, have met someone else and have finally got to the decree nisi stage but it’s been terrible. I can’t even express how terrible it’s been. I’m traumatised.
He’s sent messages saying “he’ll make sure I get nothing until the day he dies.” Told lie after lie and all this has taken its toll on our children. I’m afraid that my relationship with two of them can never be rebuilt. They believed him and then I guess feel so guilty that they can’t look at me. They think I should have got over it by now.
I’ve felt suicidal at times but there is no sympathy. No one wants to hear how I feel- it’s too painful for them. I was uninvited from Christmas this year as my son didn’t want my ex (his step dad) to be on his own so had him instead. Even after all he’s done.
my daughter proudly tells people I’m the strongest woman she knows. I’m not. I’m frightened and hurt and sad. Every day is a struggle and I’m constantly overwhelmed and counting the days until the divorce comes through and I can escape. I don’t want to be in this place- he’s still around, carrying in as normal as if nothing has happened and it’s torture.
He isn’t with this woman anymore. I feel sorry for her and the child. What a mess.
Have you been through any of this? Does it get better? I feel like I’m grieving. I have no parents or family and feel like I’m alone and have no one who understands.

Yes you can recover but it takes much longer if it's been a malicious and destructive divorce.

Finalising the divorce is just one step. Having to no longer deal with him for legal or finances will help you to heal.

Smear campaign and needing to win are traits of narcisstic people. You will feel as if you never knew him and that is likely to be the case.

Are your children adults?

You don't get over it, but it hurts less and less as you learn to deal with it.
it made me feel like the whole relationship had been a lie, and every memory of it is tarnished.

Thank you for replying.
Yes they are adults. They have their own children. It just feels like they can’t cope with me not coping so it’s easier for them to be around him.
He is indeed a narcissist. I realise now that I have enabled this for many years. Making excuses for him, covering up his behaviour, trying to protect them. They have learned this from me.
They vie for his attention and have forgiven all the lies he’s told them. It’s as if I’m to blame and am not allowed to have feelings.

Yes! Everything is tarnished. All my memories are too painful to look at. And all the things we had to look forward to are spoiled.
I dread future weddings, grandchildren, christmases etc.

How dreadful for you.
I dont have experience, but just felt I couldnt read and run.

You have been very badly treated, and through no fault of your own.
And not being believed is awful.

Well, I am divorced, and I didn't find it traumatic at all BUT it all depends on the circumstances doesn't it.

I don't think what you are finding hard is the divorce itself, more the betrayal.

Yeah I married a narc too, the damage is huge especially the trauma of finding out your whole life has been a sham. My advice is to have no contact with him at all, block him on everything if you haven't already. Narcs are extremely convincing liars, highly manipulative and very good at making themselves be liked and believed by other people. He is literally only capable of thinking of himself and his needs and he will discard anything and anyone that doesn't suit at the drop of a hat. People will be idealised and discarded when they are not perfect enough or something seemingly more perfect comes along - narcs are a pit of need and nothing is ever enough for them, they are never satisfied. He will never find long term happiness I promise you that.

If the children are adults and know your side of the story then you can only let them learn for themselves. Be there for them if they want you to be but put in boundaries for yourself as required - do not allow them to sing his praises in your presence. They can believe what they like but you do not have to hear it.

You desperately need counselling for trauma. Someone to listen, understand and believe you. Do you have nightmares? I do. I hear you and I believe every word but I also understand why others might not. It's hard to comprehend the devastation that a narc can cause and just how nice, dependable and believable they are. They are very, very damaged people.

*nice, dependable and believable they seem.

OP absolutely can relate - would strongly recommend visiting Chumplady.com if you haven’t already. Lots of support and excellent advice there. You are definitely not alone.

Oh and I know also how all memories are tarnished. I thought we were having a good life and he was enjoying all the things we did. Turned out he was just using me the whole time as a nice respectable front and literally had no interest in me or anything we did the whole time - he told me that after 24 years together. He spent all his time trying to line up other married women (and straight men!) at work believing himself to be some sort of god. Fortunately as far as I know none were remotely interested in him, they'd just tell him he was good at his job and then get him to do their work for them which he'd happily do as he thought they'd be impressed - fool.

Sadly, I have to admit that after 6 years of divorce, I'm still not over the anger of the deceit. Most nights I lie away hoping that a large, rabid dog will chew off his testicles !!
Life does go on though and in many ways I'm so much happier, but after many, many years of marriage, it's not something that leaves you very quickly.... if ever?

@Gowithme, Excellent post. Those who have been unfortunate enough to marry and subsequently divorce a narcissist know the trauma that the Op speaks of. It's way different to a "normal" divorce as no matter how much you try for amicable a narcissist will make it high conflict.

Op, your children are likely to be his main supply so therefore he is unlikely to reveal himself fully to them. Also he maybe desperate to protect his image of being the perfect father. Ex recently flashed his anger at the dc when they mentioned, jokingly, his less than perfect parenting, infront of one of his friends. It caused a major narcissistic injury and they said uis flash of rage was scary.

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve been trewted appallingly. This situation sounds like one that could easily cause PTSD. Agree with the person who suggested you go no contact with him. I’d suggest also counselling to talk through the trauma.

As to your children - they’re adults. They may not want to cope with your feelings or hear about them but that doesn’t mean they get to ignore what’s happened. Have some counselling and explore with your counsellor how to talk to your children about it. If it was me I’d be very clear to them that this isn’t a ‘growing apart’ divorce it’s an emotionally abusive marriage in which the abuser is trying to gaslight the rest of the family and recruit them as ways to harm his faviurite victim, you. Be very clear thwt you hate your ex, that he cheated on you, lied about it to everyone, tried to convince people that you are mad, then dumped his newborn and new partner when they got boring. This isn’t a man that should be forgiven by the rest of the family.

Or if counselling isn’t an option financially, look for free support groups, or even maybe facebook groups.

I had a traumatic divorce starting 12 years ago.

I was always determined that it wasn’t going to ruin my life any further, but of course along the way there have been periods of extreme angst and trauma, sobby crying and feelings that no one understood. All of it.

I can genuinely say that it’s now no longer traumatic or that it’s all tainted. You can only know what you know at the time, that’s it.

I think most of my healing happened when I turned my reflections inward rather than outward in anger. I played a role, I own that role, I could have stopped it sooner (second date actually) but I was in it for 15 years. It became obvious that holding all my anger towards him was only harming me more, with a danger of perpetual bitterness.

I can’t change him, he is what he is. I don’t even hate him now, just nothing, I can only work on me and how I work through my life. I’m happy, content and well 12 years on.

@Gowithme

Yeah I married a narc too, the damage is huge especially the trauma of finding out your whole life has been a sham. My advice is to have no contact with him at all, block him on everything if you haven't already. Narcs are extremely convincing liars, highly manipulative and very good at making themselves be liked and believed by other people. He is literally only capable of thinking of himself and his needs and he will discard anything and anyone that doesn't suit at the drop of a hat. People will be idealised and discarded when they are not perfect enough or something seemingly more perfect comes along - narcs are a pit of need and nothing is ever enough for them, they are never satisfied. He will never find long term happiness I promise you that.

If the children are adults and know your side of the story then you can only let them learn for themselves. Be there for them if they want you to be but put in boundaries for yourself as required - do not allow them to sing his praises in your presence. They can believe what they like but you do not have to hear it.

You desperately need counselling for trauma. Someone to listen, understand and believe you. Do you have nightmares? I do. I hear you and I believe every word but I also understand why others might not. It's hard to comprehend the devastation that a narc can cause and just how nice, dependable and believable they are. They are very, very damaged people.

Yes I have nightmares. For months I couldn't sleep alone. The one daughter who gets it and has stuck by me kept me sane. She has gone to Uni now and while she's been amazing I can't put everything on her. She said the other day has everyone forgotten that he went and had a baby with someone else and didn't tell any of us? I set up a business with my other DD and as soon as I'm gone she has her dad in there. It's like their little secret. It's also so disrespectful as I know it makes him feel like he's got one over on me. She doesn't see that though and I've given up arguing as it just makes me look neurotic. I'm just quietly distancing myself from it and when the divorce comes through I will leave. It's unhealthy for my mental health.

Ah yes, wanting to look perfect at all times, I recognise that so well, and if his children believe what he says and overlook the lies then they are his perfect pawns.

@Neverreturntoathread

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve been trewted appallingly. This situation sounds like one that could easily cause PTSD. Agree with the person who suggested you go no contact with him. I’d suggest also counselling to talk through the trauma.

As to your children - they’re adults. They may not want to cope with your feelings or hear about them but that doesn’t mean they get to ignore what’s happened. Have some counselling and explore with your counsellor how to talk to your children about it. If it was me I’d be very clear to them that this isn’t a ‘growing apart’ divorce it’s an emotionally abusive marriage in which the abuser is trying to gaslight the rest of the family and recruit them as ways to harm his faviurite victim, you. Be very clear thwt you hate your ex, that he cheated on you, lied about it to everyone, tried to convince people that you are mad, then dumped his newborn and new partner when they got boring. This isn’t a man that should be forgiven by the rest of the family.

Or if counselling isn’t an option financially, look for free support groups, or even maybe facebook groups.

This^^ is exactly it. He gaslights everyone around him. He did it to me for almost 30 years so I get how hard it is for anyone else to see it or admit it. I'm just hurt that I've lost son many friends because they, too, fell for it and now are embarrassed.

I agree with CornishGem.

Getting divorced is a breeze, it's quite often a relief.

However, the lies, betrayal, gaslighting and duplicity are what cuts deep. Also the self-doubt. You wonder if you ever really knew the person and if the whole relationship was a sham based on lies.

Counselling helps put the situation into perspective.

He did you a big favour by leaving, although you won't see that now.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It's unhealthy for my mental health

Yes, I found I had to go low contact with some people as they were flying monkeys. I look back and realise how naive I was to the situation, thinking we could be amicable, trusting that he would behave ok. An example I always thought he was straight when dealing with legal matters but the lies he told in court documents were breath taking. All I could disapprove easily but his strategy was to discredit me and I think he was so aware that judges do not scruntize details. Whilst I am 100% over him I regret my naivety, I regret being so trusting and I regret that he will always be in my life due to dc. I'm fortunate in whilst dc still have a relationship with him they know his character and are not fooled by the outward charm. It will help them to avoid such toxic relationships in the future so perhaps that's the benefit.

However, the lies, betrayal, gaslighting and duplicity are what cuts deep. Also the self-doubt. You wonder if you ever really knew the person and if the whole relationship was a sham based on lies.
This, and the destruction of my confidence in character judgement.

Wasn't angry with him - floored by his actions and disgusted that a human being could treat another human in that way