Am I overreacting?

[mumoftoddlerandteen]

Long story short, me and DH been having a rough patch in our marriage. Around or shortly after my son was born (third child) I’d been telling him that I was feeling that I didn’t get enough effort from him in terms of our relationship ie never initiating dinner out, things to do as a family together - it always had to come from me. Gave me a feeling that he was just ticking along, happy to let me sort everything but I explained that’s quite a burden sometimes trying to keep everything going single handedly. Anyway, it got to the point where we started going to marriage counselling and we started to make more effort to focus on us as a couple and not just as parents - weekend away and dinner out more often etc. sex has always been fine, there was a dry patch a year or so ago but normally it’s great.

We went for dinner on our sixth wedding anniversary, on the way home he suggested sleeping together in the car - I told him I wasn’t comfortable with this because there were people around. Also feeling bloated a bit from the meal etc - said I wanted to get home. We then get home and cuddle on sofa etc. he made some attempt to initiate sex but it didn’t really happen.

Anyway, next day I’m in the shower and he’s text me saying he wishes I’d let him sleep with me in the car the night before. I’m a bit annoyed by this as I’d explained that I wasn’t comfortable doing that. I said I wasn’t comfortable and we then had this sort of text conversation about it. We kind of had to as the kids are always around so sometimes easier to talk on text.

Around 3-4 days later I ask him to borrow his phone to show him something on Google. Sometimes that happens because mines upstairs or out of battery or whatever. Anyway as I go onto the internet, I can see that he’s searched and visited the website ‘Chaturbate’. When I look at the day and time it’s the morning after our anniversary meal. Kids would have been downstairs, we would have been talking and chatting like normal that morning. I go mad at him. He tells me it’s just porn to him. we both have discussed the fact that we occasionally use porn if we’re not together when masturbating. When the sex is frequent then neither of us tend to use it. Or I thought.

this isn’t just porn to me. He swears that he wasn’t talking or interacting with anyone, that it was just porn and that he was frustrated because we hadn’t had sex the night before. So he was using it just to get/stay horny as he liked the feeling.

it’s just given me the ick to be honest. He admitted to using that particular site quite a few times. I just can’t shake off this disgusting image of him in the bathroom looking at it whilst me and the kids were downstairs. I always thought those sort of websites were for losers and I don’t want to feel that way about my own husband.

at the same time we’ve been together for 13 years. I think it hurts more because we were supposed to be working on our relationship and trying to get things back on track then he’s doing that.

we discussed it with the marriage counsellor but I don’t seem to be able to move past it.

am I overreacting here?! Some days I feel like I am being way over the top but other times I think have some respect for myself and don’t stay with someone like that!

I’m not particularly worried that he’s been wanking off on that site for other girls to watch tbh. I may only speak for myself but I don’t know many women that want to sit and watch a bloke having a Tommy tank over the internet on a webcam.

if he’d been wanking in a private chat with another person, different story.

im just pissed off the way it’s made me feel. I’m only 34, slim, fairly attractive and think I’ve got a good personality. Don’t mean to sound big headed and don’t even know why I’m mentioning it really. Think it’s knocked my confidence. It’s not nice knowing your husbands going off and doing that. Makes me feel a bit disgusted by him and makes me question other stuff he’s done or said. I don’t know if there’s anyone better out there for me.

I don’t know if there’s anyone better out there for me.

@mumoftoddlerandteen Of course there is. x

Thank you ❤️

There's a heck of a lot of gay guys using the site and they pay heavily if you follow their directions.

If he had any sense, he'll have used a spam email address. Go through all the letters of the alphabet, and all the numbers, one by one in the login box to see if anything pops up.

Done that on Chaturbate and nothing coming up. Saying ‘no saved passwords’ for that website. Same with Reddit although I can see that he has got a password for Reddit - just that he hasn’t saved it. Am going to try and use his tablet to do some further digging.

I don’t want to live like this to be honest. I’ve got better things to be doing than digging up my husband’s internet history. But I feel like I need a full idea of what the hell he’s been up to before I decide whether I stay with him or not. Just generally feels like I don’t know him anymore.

I understand that. Your job is not to police him.

But Chaturbate is just that bit more than watching porn. And you need peace.

Do you know the email address he used for Reddit? Is he allowing you free access to his email accounts?

Yeah he’s allowing me free access. I’ve tried to do forgot username on Reddit to get it to send the username so I can then do forgot password and get into the account. But it’s not sending the username through to any of his emails that I try. I do know he’s got another email that he used to buy my engagement ring with so it’s like a secret one. But I do know what it is and I think I know the password too so I need to try that one. Then I’m out of options and think I’ll just have to ask him outright about Reddit. I keep trying to convince myself that he was probably only on Reddit for DIY tips or something but that’s before I knew he used Chaturbate. 😢

He wanted to spice things up and have sex in the car. You didn't.
He tried to initiate sex at home afterwards. Didn't happen.
He masturbated to porn because of feeling horny.
I am generally anti-porn, but I don't think either of you are massively in the wrong here.

Ask him for his Reddit email address. His reaction will tell you if he set up a spam email account for it.

Check the bins of the email accounts you have access to.

And on his device Google phrases around setting up a spam email address. Something might auto populate.

I'm sorry you're having to do this.

Thank you so much for all of your help, it’s so useful.

So I’ve checked the bin on his emails - nothing. Not sure what searches to do for emails - tried ‘mail’, ‘email’ etc - nothing really coming up.

I think I need to ask him outright but I think I’ll get more truth out of checking his tablet. If I ask him I think he’ll lie. That’s the biggest problem!!!!

Try

Set up spam email

Disposable email

Junk email account

Temporary email account

And things around that

Also, have a look at the address of some of these websites to see if they auto populate.

Junk email websites

It could be he is telling the truth.
It could be he did it in incognito mode
It could be he's deleted everything associated.

Thank you will try those. He’s openly admitted he uses incognito mode.

@Jumpking Yes but I think the gay guys would want to watch men that are very buff and/or Twink-like, slim. Which wouldn't be most middle aged men. OP doesn't seem to think this is likely. I know some like Bears, but they aren't as popular in gay porn etc.

And most straight guys wouldn't want to perform for gay men, especially if it's just to get a few Chaturbate coins. They would rather spend that tenner or whatever to get them. Plus with a wife and three kids he maybe doesn't have much alone time to perform on cam for ages sticking stuff up his bum or whatever. He just has time/inclination to look at a bit of cam as porn.

Sounds to me like you're surmising.

The online world isn't as clear cut as you're making out.

Some straight guys happily perform for gay men if they know it means there's nothing recorded on their bank statement, allowing them to earn themselves tokens to direct or private room girls in a non detectable way.

Some men cam while they're in sole charge of young children.

Some men get a kick out of camming behind a closed door while their wife/partner is in the house.

Some gay guys pay extra for flabby middle age men to do their bidding. It's all about control.

A lot of men have a porn addiction which leads then to do all sorts of things neither they, nor their partners, ever thought them capable of. But the addiction has taken hold by then.

True. I've known some real wrong'uns. But there is something called the balance of probability. There are some hardcore porn/sex obsessives who stick things up their bum for gay guys to watch so they can get a handful of coins or a buzz, and then there are the vast majority who probably 'just' watch cam. If they don't want a visible transaction then they just won't buy the coins, or try and buy them in some surreptitious way. The likelihood is, when watching the stream, that another bloke will eventually ask for anything to be done that people watching might want.

None of this makes it ok of course.

I would be pretty uncomfortable if my spouse was accessing all my emails and online accounts. I find that an overstep. Being married doesn't mean you have a right to everything the other person has. I would be pretty pissed if my husband was trying to hack into my reddit account and was resending all my email passwords to himself to read all my emails because he thought maybe I sad something dishonest.

I find that even more of a breach of my rights and privacy than someone watching porn videos online. I would be upset by him being on chaterbate but livid if he went through all my accounts and emails.

I personally think that you are majorly overreacting.

He propositioned you. You turned him down and then didn't follow up when home. But are reacting like he then went off with a prostitute! You made it plainly clear that you did not want to have sex with him. And if I'm honest you sound as though you're probably quite vanilla and he was hoping to just have soemthing a bit spicier.
The website offers that whilst you won't.
I don't see the issue. You're making it into an issue which makes me think that with everything else going on, you want it to be an issue...

Perhaps you need to have some self reflection here too.

You both do porn, but apparently he can only do what you find acceptable, when you find it acceptable.

Do you not think that there are hundreds of occasions that you and he have masturbated etc when there jave been others in the house. That's a poor reason to try and justify your outrage. Crikey, many couples would have no sex life ever of they didn't do it when the kids were in the house!

I had sex with him in the car when we went out the week before. I didn’t want to do it in that particular place the next time because there was a couple walking their dog in the area. I have a particular job where if I got caught doing that I’d lose my well paid job - not worth it to me for a shag!

I know I’m not vanilla - not entirely sure why I’m bothered that you think that. But let’s just say that when it comes to the bedroom, I’ve never said no to a single thing he’s wanted to try (other than that one time where there was a slight legal risk!) - most of the spicing up comes from me!

Yes of course people masturbate with others in the house!! Not a problem! It just gives me the ick that he went off to do it when we had both just been downstairs playing with the kids, tidying up etc.

of course he can watch porn, not an issue, of course it’s not healthy for couples to share the ins and outs of exactly what they’re watching - that’s private and I respect that.

this website is, in my view, and seems to be in the view of some others, so I don’t feel too crazy, more than just porn because it’s function is to talk to other people. That crosses a boundary for me. Yes it may not for other people but everyone is different.

Also it’s not that I ‘didn’t follow up when home’, our baby son woke up and I had to settle him. That takes priority unfortunately!!

So he apparently has looked at porn on Reddit. Ok fine whatever. He’s not clear on why he has an account if he isn’t interacting with people etc.

it’s the hypocrisy for me - got a right shit on when I went to see Dreamboys with a friend a few years back!!!

it’s the hypocrisy for me - got a right shit on when I went to see Dreamboys with a friend a few years back!!!

See to me I think that's the same as him watching live streamed stuff

Exactly! I didn’t lie about watching dreamboys or hide it from him. Just be fucking honest about stuff. Just be you, fucking own it!

it’s the hypocrisy for me - got a right shit on when I went to see Dreamboys with a friend a few years back!!!

See to me I think that's the same as him watching live streamed stuff

Dream Boys is more of a public performance. OP went to it with a friend. She didn't hide it. And it's not as explicit as a stream.

He used to give me the whole ‘I don’t even watch porn, all I want is you, I only look at photos of you and videos of you’. Which I thought was a bit weird at the time but like a mug I believed him a bit! It wasn’t until I said to him, well I enjoy watching porn sometimes, that he was like oh yeah me too. It’s just the bullshit isn’t it! I’m probably too fucking honest. I just want someone who I can be with who isn’t perfect, because I’m definitely not! And who can just own it and just be themselves. Not present me with some version that they want to be. Just be yourself!! This is probably the first time in 14 years I’ve really given him shit for anything. Always told him do what you want, go where you want, spend what you want etc. it’s the lies for me.