Need support - leaving emotionally abusive relationship

[sadsusie]

I am separated from my emotionally abusive husband. This week he has the kids and so I am without them for the first time for longer than a day. I am doing everything I am supposed to - nice things for myself, keeping busy, seeing friends etc, but I feel so so sad. I miss my children so much. I never imagined a life where I wouldn't see them half the time. I didn't want any of this. And now I'm questioning if leaving was worth it.

He wasn't very nice to me - told me I wasn't a good mum (maybe justified because of when I had PND), blamed me for any disagreement, not accountable and wouldn't apologise, called me a bully and selfish and said I was abusing him, silent treatment for weeks at a time which would only end when he decided I had apologised enough.

I ended up feeling so bad about myself that I think I couldn't take it anymore so I filed for divorce, but now I'm thinking it wasn't that bad, I should have put up with it, if I had learnt not to react as much it wouldn't have been so bad, that sort of thing. And then I wouldn't have been without my children. And they would have had a family that was together. I just feel so awful today. I want to go back in time and change everything. I just don't want this life.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so awful OP. It must be hard to be without your children. Do you think that you will get used to the new set up in time?

It sounds to me, reading your op, that you may still have his (?) voice in your head, telling you that you are a bad person. But you aren't, you have absolutely done the right thing. I don't know how long you spent with this man abusing you, but imagine how you'd feel after, say, 20 years with him? Imagine that you had learnt to put up with his abuse. Who would you be? Not yourself, you would be lost. Would you be the person that you'd want your children to have as a role model?

What have you got planned for today?

Thank you so much for your reply. I think you are probably right about the voice in my head. We'd been together about 15 years, though our eldest is only 6 and I think that's when it all started to go wrong (he says I've been awful since having children and I had PND, though long recovered now) and I think he struggled with me no longer being able to always put him first as now there were children to consider.

You are right. I was losing myself and that's not the role model I want for my children. Its just that I don't want this either.

At the moment I can't imagine ever getting used to the new set up, but I just have to hope that I will, or at least that it will get easier. I just don't know how.

I have some things planned for today. Work this morning, going to the gym, cooking something nice and watching a film. It just all feels so empty.

I feel all of this.

Husband and I separated last year, similar relationship length, similar aged kids.

The pain of it all is awful. I've never felt a sadness like this.

To top it off, I found out my husband is seeing someone, despite telling me he wanted to work on things.

I feel like I've being taken for a fool and discarded so cruelly.

Oh Onelastgo22 thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. It hurts so much to be discarded so cruelly - that's the perfect words for it.

I don't get it at all. I tried so hard to make him happy but it was never enough, I was never enough. I guess for him even keeping the family together wasn't enough to treat me right.

Its so hard because I'm the one who initiated the separation, but I felt like I had no choice (we went to counselling and he insisted the problem was me and that if stopped bullying him, if I "respected" him more everything would be ok... and I just couldn't take it). I just feel like I made a mistake, even though I know he has treated me so badly.

I sometimes think now I might one day be able to deal with the relationship stuff though, but missing the children feels unbearable. I'm doing everything I should - counselling, seeing friends, exercise, things for me, but it's not really helping. I don't want that - I want my kids.

Sounds like we have been living the same life.

We went to counselling and I initiated separation after yet another nasty outburst from him.

He treat me like rubbish, for years, whilst I tried desperately to get him to value me and the kids and the family that we had, but we were just never important to him.

His latest thing is to call me abusive, without a hint of irony.

Even after we separated, we spent an awful lot of time together and talked about working through things, but his nasty, selfish behaviour never changed.

He goes out of his way to hurt me. It's just awful.

Yet I've waited, hopefully, that he would change and now he's done this.

It has broken me to be honest.

I've torn myself apart wondering why she is worth the effort we weren't.

How long have you been seperated?

I hear you OP. I'm in a similar situation, left my emotionally abusive ex DP last September - in some ways I didn't want to, but he was treating me, and my DS terribly and I didn't see how it would ever change.

He would blame his reactions on me, and then apologise for his behaviour, then blame me again. He criticised me as a parent, as a partner, as a person. Nothing was ever good enough for him; I needed to be more tidy, less fat, more motivated, etc etc. I couldn't take it anymore and my mental health was declining again.

You do get used to the time apart from the children - it is tough, and I hate sending my DS to his dad's (even more so now he has rapidly introduced a new woman into his life - my DS met her three weeks ago and he's now going for sleepovers at her house and is struggling to process things a bit) but I have gotten used to the free time and the ability to do things for myself - something I struggled with when I was with ex DP as he'd say he'd give me free time but usually just sit DS in front of the TV and not parent and I'd feel guilty. I've resumed friendships that suffered because they didn't like my ex DP and treat myself to things I couldn't when we were together.

It does get easier - sometimes I do wonder whether I should have stayed in the relationship as it wasn't always terrible and I did (and to some extent still do) have a trauma bond with my ex. But I know I am free to be me now.

@PollyDarton1 do they all take the same class at school or something?

It's awful when you have no choice but to end it. I was in the same situation and felt completely backed into a corner but his awful behaviour, let it was all my fault.

Why do they think it's ok to introduce new partners so quickly? It's gross.

Same old thing though I suppose. Their own needs outweigh everybody else's wellbeing and they lack emotional intelligence and empathy.

Good on you for focusing on yourself.

I try to and my home life is much more relaxed, but making out that he wanted to work on our marriage whilst seeing someone else has really knocked me.

I'm so sorry others are going through this, but it does help to know I'm not alone.

Onelastgo22, yes he has also called me abusive. Actually I was googling to find out if he was right when I realised actually it was the other way around. It just hurts so much that I think he genuinely believes that about me when I have been trying so hard to take on so much and to make him happy.

We've been separated for a few months now. I think I was in denial thinking it would get sorted somehow for a while, but now the reality that this is it is dawning on me.

Polly - That sound similar - the criticism. For me it was quite subtle for a long time, although it got worse. I felt like you describe, so worn down, and like I couldn't take it any more. Thank you for the encouragement that it gets easier. I really appreciate it for someone who is going through something similar.

And now I'm questioning if leaving was worth it.
Susie my dear - please believe me - IT WAS WORTH IT.

but now I'm thinking it wasn't that bad, I should have put up with it, if I had learnt not to react as much it wouldn't have been so bad, that sort of thing
Yup - I, & no doubt several PP, know "that sort of thing" only too well.
Don't let these thoughts blindside you. They are just passing thoughts, & partly a product of the increasing self-doubt & loss of personal agency you managed before exiting the marriage.

When we have been emotionally abused, controlled, stonewalled & gaslit, we start believing the bullshit our abuser spouts at us. You have done brilliantly to not just endure all this, but finally see the light & escape it. These current doubts you are feeling (& well done for coming here for a sense-check btw) are classic. You will seesaw with these thoughts for a little while yet ... & do you know what? THAT'S ABSOLUTELY FINE. You are only just rid of a man who -
told me I wasn't a good mum (maybe justified because of when I had PND), blamed me for any disagreement, not accountable and wouldn't apologise, called me a bully and selfish and said I was abusing him, silent treatment for weeks at a time which would only end when he decided I had apologised enough
Anyone who has suffered years of that is going to pick up a little Stockholm Syndrome. Be doing her own (mistaken, but understandable) minimising & deflection of his behaviour. Be scolding herself for not being able to put up & shut up & accept the status quo. Be apprehensive of the new solo life, & worried about how she is going to cope. Be still in the throes of trauma bonding. Be still in the pattern of self-blame, & falling into the belief system her abuser has imposed on her by manipulation & falsehoods.

This is your first time without the kids for more than a day. It's going to feel raw, & unfamiliar! - you will have these thoughts, so let them come.Acknowledge them ... then send them on their way, because they are not true.

You will get into a groove with the contact times, & having time to yourself. As it becomes more familiar, it will feel less raw, & you will be less assailed by these negative thoughts & husband-induced self-recriminations.

Its just that I don't want this either.
I know.
You are allowed to feel sad, lonely, & overwhelmed. The only way past this is through it - you are doing all the right things, with the self- care etc, in order to get there.
We all go through phases of life that we are not especially enamoured with, & wouldn't have chosen. You have also used up immense reserves of strength in order to get to this point, & you cannot make additional demands on yourself right now. Telling yourself "but I don't want this either" is in effect another demand - you are demanding of yourself that you emerge from emotional abuse into a neatly defined new life which you are instantly happy with. That's a big ask! _ & it doesn't work that way.
I was losing myself and that's not the role model I want for my children.
You won't re-find yourself in an instant. But it WILL happen. Thousands of women on here can attest to that.

When these thoughts pop up - before sending them on their way, challenge them - gently! - no need to 'dwell' by asking yourself how awful your DH would make your life if you were mad enough to go along with his opinion that if I "respected" him more everything would be ok? How badly would he punish you, for daring to leave? You don't need to be back in that arsehole's clutches. Congratulations on your escape from a deeply unpleasant twat :)

TL:DR - hang on in there. This is temporary, & it gets better. You're mainly missing your kids ... they'll be back, & you won't recognise yourself in a year

Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for taking the time to give such a detailed and kind reply. I’ve read it a few times already and it’s really helped.

Am so glad it's helping, Susie.
So many of us have been there ... support yourself by allowing the feelings, but appreciating that they are not fixed, & will diminish.

7 weeks it took my ex DP to introduce his girlfriend (although he now claims they were together longer than that, but the evidence of when he told me at the time suggests otherwise) - she introduced her kids within 3 weeks. Ex DP had asked me to stick to a 4-6 month rule before introducing a partner when he found out I was seeing someone It's pretty clear they are moving in with each other (i.e.; him, from a houseshare, to hers, a 3 bed house) within 3 months.

Apparently because I voiced concern about my son sleeping over in an unfamiliar environment with a woman he'd met twice briefly before, I am over emotional and confrontational

My ex DP called me abusive too. Has even rallied his girlfriend into posting IG posts about how they're both "free" of abusive exes. He pulled the same stunt when he cheated on me before lockdown 1 and told that woman I was abusive too. Thankfully she saw the red flags and got out (and I got lovebombed back in, and didn't realise he'd cheated at the time).

I hear you on the criticism. I had it all - my weight, my parenting, my motivation, my looks, what I wore, what I ate, how tidy I was. It was so exhausting.

They really are cut from the same cloth aren't they.

Mine criticised every inch of me. My weight, my fitness, my job, my taste in television, my eyelashes, my parenting, my childhood, my mental health, laugh too loud, talk too much, the list really is endless.

Alot of the time things were put across as 'helpful' suggestions, but now I know it was all to make me doubt myself. It's a very effective technique!

I have asked him to keep new woman away from our kids. I doubt he will though as he will no doubt be wanting to show her what a fabulous father he is (he is not), given she has 2 of her own. I just hope and pray that I'm wrong and for once in his life he can not be a selfish prick.

How are you feeling now @sadsusie ?

I’m ok thank you. The kids are back and that’s helped a lot. I also feel like I’m getting the narrative straight in my head that the way he’s treated me hasn’t been ok. Some of the self doubt is fading which feels much better. I’ll probably feel worse again soon but hopefully eventually it will be better. I’m definitely feeling more hopeful than I was.

It’s helped seeing all the posts here as it’s much easier to see how badly someone else has been treated I think, compared with how I’ve been treated because I just blame myself (and he blames me).

How are you doing?

I'm glad you have the kids back and are feeling a little better.

What split do you have with them?

I'm ok, I think. I'm very up and down. I'm just so angry with him for messing this up when I love him so, so much.

Within the space of 2 days he has gone from asking if it was too late for us, to threatening me with custody and a house sale.

He messes with my head alot which really doesn't help.

I have really reduced contact with him to a minimum and haven't actually stood face to face with him for a month as I'm just too emotional.

I just worry that I will be forever heartbroken and he will have a fabulous relationship with someone that he feels is worth it 🥺

With the kids at the moment is about 50/50, which breaks my heart. He never did anything like that before we split, but now he’s making out like he was always a super engaged dad, which he wasn’t. I’m just trying to think of what’s best for the dc but its hard.

i totally get how up and down you are feeling. I thought I was doing ok but then crashed and now I’m feeling a bit numb I think. I just want to feel better. Like you I’m sure he’ll do on to other relationships and I’m worried I’ll be lonely forever (not that I want another relationship at the moment).

i think because he is so sure everything is my fault he’ll be ok, whereas I’m so full of self doubt and confusion and can’t stop thinking about all the things he’s said criticising me that I don’t think I’ll ever really get my head straight.

@sadsusie 50/50 must be really tough, particularly when he wasn't very involved before. It makes you more angry doesn't it, that they choose now to step up, when that's what you wanted from them.

I know what you mean about feeling numb. I had a couple of goodish days and am now back to that ache in my chest. Pure heartbreak.

I feel like he didn't care about me at all. I have questioned everything about myself. Why is someone else worth the effort I wasn't? 😢

The worst part for me is feeling completely pushed into a situation I didn't want all because he couldn't treat me nicely. Now he walks away into his new shiny life and I'm still pining for what I've lost.

@Onelastgo22 Its the unfairness of it all isn't it. That they behave so badly and we're left heartbroken. I just don't understand how people can lack empathy so much that they can behave this way.

Its also really strange to think back on the good times now. Were they even real?? Honestly, sometimes I forget what has happened and then I remember and it blows my mind!

I do feel that I'm making progress. Well, its 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but I am going in the right direction...

I hope you are having a good day.