My cousin is in an abusive marriage and I need her to leave!

[ComebackQueen]

Hi All,

My cousin is in an abusive relationship and, over the Easter weekend he smacked her up, again and, I’ve had her and her 14 month old move into my house.

Truthfully, she’s been married almost 7 years and the bastard would beat her to a point we all saw the black eyes, post baby he calmed down but he still slaps her and, not to mention the verbal abuse she endures

I’ve told her to call the police, she stopped me on so many occasions doing so, she won’t leave because of the toddler and, because the physical abuse at least is more more infrequent and, less severe. Absolutely muppet to even think this!

I’m actually raging because he called me nice and pie asking to come around and, my husband took the phone and said if he turns up here, he will be leaving in an ambulance - this resulted in my cousin now ignoring me and the husband.

I’ve asked her flat out why she won’t leave, she claims because she loves him, he is a good father and, she winds him up which causes him to hit her (typing this I want to scream).

Pushed further, she said she’s legally married, has a mortgage with him, her parents won’t take her in because they’re in Ireland (her mother is Irish) and, the council won’t help her because leaving makes it out she’s deliberately made herself homeless.

Not once, not fucking once has she reported him to the police, so she only has her word (I’ve seen the bruises so I can back her up) and she thinks they’ll not help.

She never went back to work post baby as, surprise, surprise the bastard wanted her to be a SAHM.

He is a sick weirdo freak, has devices that record her, he checks her bank account for unusual spending. He monitors her social media and, beats her!

What can I do besides offer her the spare room until she gets on her feet?
I have a baby and I’m currently on SMP dealing with PND so this is making my mental health worse. I can’t kick her out but I can’t see her staying here long term if she’s going to want to communicate with him and have him over to see their child.

Is there anyway she qualifies for some help? Without police reports?

Can I report him? What if he turns up here, I know my husband would want to confront him as he can’t stand wife beaters after he lost an aunt to DV.

Ugh, how can she not see sense and just leave him!
Sorry I sound awful but she’s really not understanding what a bastard he is!!!!!!

Oh OP, this is so so hard and well done for taking her and her child in. Truthfully, there isn't a lot you can do other than just being there with an open door for her when she finally realises that she won't put up with it any longer.

There is obviously a lot she can do, she can call women aid who will talk her through her options. Having said all this, you are not obliged to have her in your house or her abusive husband. You need to protect yourself and your family.

It may take years for her to leave but she will have social services at her door if she continues to put up with this as it's not going to be a secret when their child is telling nursery/school what is happening. She will have her child taken away if she cannot protect them and sadly, this happens a fair bit.

And yes, you absolutely can report him to the police and to social services, however, this may mean that your cousin retreats away from you. I would try and persuade her to talk to women's aid ASAP.

Take a breath.

You can’t help while you’re angry.

What you want or need her to do doesn’t matter.

She needs to come to the decision herself.

Refuge have some good advice for friends and family.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-someone-you-care-about-2/

It might be worth speaking to women's aid yourself, find out what they recommend whether that's reporting to the police or continuing as you are, or some other option.

She probably won't want to do this either but she can apply to court for an emergency non molestation order and occupation order for the house (meaning he'd have to leave the property). She can also contact woman's aid and see if there is a way she could get into a refuge with her child. In her circumstances I believe the council would prioritise her too for accomodation. So she has options but if she is still saying she loves him, she's unlikely to consider them. It might help her to talk to an IDVA, again women's aid should help with this - they can explain what she's been going through is emotional and physical abuse and it's just going to get worse. I dont think there is much more you can do and pushing too hard will stop her turning to you next time, ask her to please speak to women's aid and discuss her options, they won't push her to do something she's not ready to do.