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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Met up with his ex behind my back

23 replies

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 16:06

Hi.
I need some tough love on this I think. I have a toddler DD with my partner and we had a very rough time around my pregnancy and split up before she was born.

My partner had a lot going on at the time and wasn’t the nicest person to me. He’s been seeing a counsellor for the last year though and been very supportive and engaged in trying to build a good relationship with me and get back to being a family again.

We have a good routine with DD and he has her very frequently. The last 6 months we have been intimate but taking things slow. I’m not ready to move back in with him because I need time to trust that he’s actually changing. We have had many conversations where we have both agreed we are committed to rebuilding our life together and not seeing other people of course.

I’ve had a niggling feeling I can’t trust him recently and so I checked his phone last night. I discovered last month he went to his ex’s house and met up with her. In the message he said he ‘can’t stop thinking about what she said’ when they met up and said they should catch up again soon.

I have asked him what this is all about as he has been split up with this woman for over 16 years and never ever mentioned a friendship between them. He said she’s recently moved back and she knew his dad very well who’s recently passed away and so they had a coffee to catch up. I asked why he hadn’t told me about this and he said he just didn’t think to tell me.

I asked him what she said that he can’t stop thinking about and he said she told him she’s in an abusive relationship and is trying to get out. Something feels odd to me in my gut.

This is weird, isn’t it?

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 19/04/2022 16:08

*Something feels odd to me in my gut.

This is weird, isn’t it?*

Yes, trust your instinct. He isn't being truthful. Where does he live?

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 16:14

He lives in the same town as me. Don’t want to give a location as it’s too outing.
But I feel let down and frustrated by this. He said there’s nothing wrong with meeting an old friend. I have no issue with him having female friends but meeting ex partners who he hasn’t spoken with in years and hiding it from me is totally different from meeting an old friend innocently!
I feel angry because I genuinely had high hopes for us but I’m feeling as though this has just ripped away the trust we alerted building.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 16:27

Trust we started building*

OP posts:

decentchap · 19/04/2022 16:53

Was your daughter with him when he saw his ex ?
Either way it isn't a good sign.
I would avoid and delete but ask for financial support first.

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 16:57

She wasn’t with him.
He pays CSA as we split for a while and we still don’t live together. We had just spent the weekend away with our daughter together, I took her home with me and he drove straight to his ex’s house.
He had all weekend to tell me and avoided telling me. I have told him he intentionally kept this from me because he knows it’s not ok deep down and he’s denying that which just makes me think he’s not honest with me or himself.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2022 17:00

She's not an "old friend" and I fear he's playing you for a fool. I'd be moving on.

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 17:09

@Aquamarine1029 I have the same fears. The fact he keeps using the words ‘old friend’ is so infuriating. I feel that’s his way of minimising my feelings about it and trying to make himself feel better about it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2022 17:21

Don't waste another minute of your time, op. Just focus on being cordial and excellent co-parents.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/04/2022 17:38

Have you got any way of contacting her? Because I'd be willing to bet he's told her he's single, and she said "you were the one that got away" or similar, and that's what he can't stop thinking about.

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 17:53

I could message her on social media but at the same time I’m trying to tell myself whether they’ve said inappropriate things or not, this should be enough for me to walk away because he’s deliberately gone behind my back. It’s ruined my trust in him but I for some reason feel guilty about ending it over this.
Our daughter adores him and is so happy when we spend time together, but doing it just for her will make me unhappy long term I feel.

OP posts:

WhackingPhoenix · 19/04/2022 19:49

I don’t know...it’s a strange thing to pluck from thin air when put on the spot. I’d be inclined to believe him for now but be vigilant for any other clues.

But of course you don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to, anyone can leave a relationship for any reason they wish

hereforthetea · 19/04/2022 20:41

This is going to bathe me in glory, but I've been the ex in this scenario. There's generally only one reason exes meet up again, especially after such a long time.

hereforthetea · 19/04/2022 20:41

Not bathe me in glory that should have said

Maydaysoonenough · 19/04/2022 20:44

Nip these fake days out in the bud op. Your dd needs to spend time with her df while you both acknowledge your relationship is over.. He is shagging his ex.
Imo.

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 19/04/2022 22:17

He came over to talk about it and said I can have another look at the messages because he’s ‘so transparent about it’ and I found one from him to his ex after they met that said ‘sorry it’s not meant to be at this time x’

I asked what that meant and he said ‘she’s trying to buy a house and it fell through’.
I feel gaslighted. He made me feel wrong for thinking there’s anything weird about them meeting and the messaging afterwards.
He said he shouldn’t have to explain everyone he meets and every conversation he has but I’ve never asked him to do that. I’m asking why he’s meeting his ex behind my back and saying things like that.

I hate how I feel I’m in the wrong when this is clearly fucking inappropriate.

I’ve said I can’t continue because I don’t trust him. He said ‘you know deep down you do trust me’. Well I quite clearly don’t otherwise I wouldn’t have even felt like I wanted to check his phone! It feels very manipulative like it was before and I would much prefer to be alone then be lied to.

OP posts:

Fjdowkrialkakvk · 19/04/2022 22:28

Hmm very convenient the house purchase story ..

Thymeout · 20/04/2022 11:36

Going against the grain...I think your reaction is OTT. You can't see past the fact that they were once in a relationship so you are on high alert and everything he does or says is seen through that lens.
But it's so long ago. 16 years. How long have you 2 been together? How old were they when they were a couple? Everything he's said sounds more plausible to me than your interpretation that they've been holding a torch for each other all this time.
She's just moved back into the area. Natural to want to catch up with old friends. Seeing her could have been a spur of the moment thing. Passing her road. Didn't know beforehand if he'd have time at the end of the weekend to fit her in. Who knows? It's a huge issue for you. A non-issue for him.
The bottom line is you are not ready to get back together with him. Perhaps not so deep down you don't want to, you're doing it for your dd and if she didn't exist you would long ago have gone your separate ways.
Getting back together to be a family would be a fairytale ending. Difficult to resist but I think you're building this episode up in your mind to give yourself the excuse to walk away.

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 20/04/2022 13:20

@Thymeout thanks for your perspective. I appreciate it.
I think for me, it’s just the way the messages read from him. The ‘sorry it’s not meant to be at this time x’ and the ‘I can’t stop thinking about what you said’.

it just felt off in my gut. I have an ex that I’m friendly with and I’ve been honest with that, he has no issue because I’m open about it.

theres also a girl he works with who he messages and calls all the time despite telling me last year that she became very over familiar in her messages and I think it’s the two combined that concern me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange20222 · 20/04/2022 13:22

The ex I’m friendly with by the way has a girlfriend who comes out for dinner with our family when we catch up with them so it really is very innocent and my current partner has met them both. Just want to put that out there in case it appears like double standards

OP posts:

LoveSpringDaffs · 20/04/2022 13:32

Trust yourself.

as much as it hurts & as much as you'd like to be a family for DD, you know he's lying.

Everyone (including/especially) DD will be happier in the long run if you separate & just for- parent as best you can. You can't trust him because he's not trustworthy.

it's hard I know, but be your own best friend and move forward with your life, separate to him.

he's gaslighting you and full of shit.

Catlover1970 · 20/04/2022 17:32

I think I would be moving on... there is a reason why you don't trust him. Trust is everything

me4real · 20/04/2022 17:45

The reason it seems even more cut-and-dried shady is he lied by omission, not telling you he was meeting up with her.

beenwhereyouare · 20/04/2022 19:11

Why would she say "Sorry" to HIM because she can't get a house right now? That makes no sense.

You don't trust him because the things he says and does aren't trustworthy. Don't let him make this out to be your fault.

And going straight there after a weekend with you and your child!

Flip