To be left out..

[strangethoughts]

Hi all,
This is something that's fairly new to me, especially in adult life. I moved in to a house share, living with other women also in their 30s.
I've been talking to one of the women and she has been discussing how the other women in the house leave her out of things .. going for dinner, drinks etc and then lying about who they were with or just avoiding questions. This was happening before I moved in but I'm now starting to feel it. Luckily it's not just me but I'm just so shocked that people still behave in this way at our age. I'm wondering how to feel and also act. I have my own friends and some hobbies so I shouldn't be too fussed but it's bugged me. Thnx xx

Why cant they go by themselves? I dont get it?

You could chum up with the woman who you were talking to?

So if two of them go out, you all must be invited? Odd

They shouldn't be lying about it but I do think people are entitled to be friends and spend time with who they choose, sharing a house doesn't automatically mean everyone should be included in social events.

I think we need some context really. is it a houseshare of 10 women and 9 always go out together, leaving 1 (and you) out. Or is it 4 women, 2 always go out together and not ask the othter 1 (and you)
If its the latter, then maybe they are just good friends who want to go out just them?

Context..
There's 5 of us. Three go out and meet up with the other women who used to live in the house. They've formed a group a sort of alumni that includes all the women from over the years.. The other three who are still in the house with us then just lie about where they've been but put it on social media.. or just avoid the questions about what they've been up to.
People can have their own friends of course but lying about it seems quite snakey and odd to me? ! They want to do things with me and the other person when it suits them or they don't have much else going on but yeh.. we aren't included.

Have some boundaries - don't let yourself be used. Go out with your own friends.

Housemates don't have to be friends.

I get why it hurts, but they are allowed to be friends with eachother.

Some of them were probably close friends before. They will not want to be a whole house groups in their social time as well as their home maybe they also include additional friends ?
All fairly normal I would imagine

It’s the lying about it that feels uncomfortable. I meet up regularly with a group of 5 ex colleagues (now good friends) but only one of the group still works at the organisation we met through. She doesn’t invite her new colleagues to our meet ups because it would change our group dynamic - but she does have drinks with them separately. I think this may be similar if they formed a close group when they lived together and want to keep that dynamic - so if that is the case it’s ok not to invite you and the other housemate to their meet ups. It is however awkward to lie about it!

@SilverTotoro

It’s the lying about it that feels uncomfortable. I meet up regularly with a group of 5 ex colleagues (now good friends) but only one of the group still works at the organisation we met through. She doesn’t invite her new colleagues to our meet ups because it would change our group dynamic - but she does have drinks with them separately. I think this may be similar if they formed a close group when they lived together and want to keep that dynamic - so if that is the case it’s ok not to invite you and the other housemate to their meet ups. It is however awkward to lie about it!

This is exactly it and I really appreciate it. It is the lying that makes it worse definitely. I have friends who I like to keep as just 'us' so I understand where you're coming from! If it happens again maybe I should just be honest with them and say it's absolutely ok for them to see their friends and that there's no need to lie because I do understand!

Thank you lovely xx