want to make it better

[wanttomakeitbetter]

name change for this but assure you I'm a regular

after many years together where initially foreplay played a big part for us, but waned off once we'd had children, it's non existent now.

it's as if he just wants to go for the "money shot" and that's it

uses lubricants where if he took the time with me it'd happen naturally

tried talking to DH in and out of the bedroom and get cold shouldered, thinks I'm criticising him

he won't discuss it, thinks he's doing fine, thinks I'm having a go

in every other way we're 100% fine but I'd like more romance, time, kisses, massages etc before the event (not every time)

any advice on how to broach this with him ? without him taking it as a criticism of him and his performance ?

male and female opinions welcome

don't talk about it.. iniiate the foreplay yourself (hand, mouth etc)then lie back and let him go to work on you..

if he tries to go 'straight for the money shot' just whisper 'not yet'and guide his hand or whatever somewhere else. or purrrr what you'd like him to do instead.

Is he worrying that he might 'peak to soon' so to speak if he spends too much time doing other things? could it be an age thing?

I'm with MOH. Discussing it a big turn off for men I reckon. Take the lead, and guide him. He'll love it!

You don't necessarily need to discuss it with him but you could try seducing him. leave him a note or send him a text telling him what you want to do to him or what you want him to do to you. I did this to my OH and he was gagging for it - we had a 3 hour session of massage and all sorts. it was a real turn on and no sex involved!! I think men love it when we take charge!

Yeah definitely dont discuss it.

Go for it and send him a rude text of things you would like to do to him.

Kids in bed when he gets home. glass of wine and a massage and lots of suggestive whispering.

Into bed and more talking and telling him where to put his hands and what you like etc and if he has any fantasies and .....Bob's your uncle!!

If after all the hints and seduction he still won't take a gentle hint , Tell him the truth , that he is a fucking selfish pig in bed and therefore less use to you than a vibrator. If that doesn't work then next time he wants any sex tell him 'No thanks I would rather use my vibrator'. Why oh why do we pander to their lazy ego's.

I'd go for the 'praise sandwich' thing, if you can. You know:

I really love it when you X
But I'd really like if you Y more.
Oh, and I really love it when you Z.

Particularly as you don't want him to change how he goes about things every time ...

Or, as others have said, take the lead, rather than talking to him. After all, both of you are involved, right?

thanks for the replies

have seduced him but it doesn't get returned

have done the rude texts, he doesn't reply - doesn't do that type of thing

doesn't like me to dress up - not even lingerie - doesn't see the point

doesn't do role play

have guided and said I'm not ready yes - so he'll go for the lubricant - told him I want him to do it - it takes too long/he's too tired etc etc

which is why I've got to the lets be honest about it - all you ever do is kiss me for 30 seconds, and then I can predict where his hands will go

he doesn't like to be massaged, doesn't like his neck being kissed, he really would be happy with a BJ a quick one and that's it

well tough s* h is going to have to put the effort in!

You've done the subtle hints and they haven't worked. Time for the straight talk.

The news you have for him is tough and he may well throw a strop. Basically you are saying to him 'I no longer enjoy sex with you. I feel used and ignored; that you don't think I am worth any effort; that you don't care about my pleasure. I am in danger of becoming very unhappy'. This is no more than the plain truth BUT if he takes this well he is a saint - much more likely he will have a complete paddy. Be prepared for this.

You need to ask him to do something specific that you know turns you on - 'next time you want to initiate sex, i would love it if you would xyz, then we can both really enjoy ourselves like we used to'.

If you don;t stand up for yourself you will become a sex martyr delivering mercy sex and it will be HORRIBLE!

It is very likley to provoke a nasty scene - but this is HIS fault, not yours - you are being perfectly reasonable and acting in your marriage's best interests (just like the scene you provoke when you tell your toddler they can't have another ice cream before lunch).

Ooh, I love giving tough advice - if only I could do what I think everyone else ought to do!

He sounds like a selfish git to me who may as well have a wank for all the effort he puts in. You must feel so used and offended...now Im all up for a good old quickie now and then.. but he really is taking the mickey.
Time for some straight talking I reckon.