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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you think you can love someone you dont respect?

18 replies

myislandhome · 19/04/2022 09:57

Just that really.
I have so little respect for DH. He wasn't to bad at first, obviously, but over 20 years he has become dirty, lazy and spends his time lying around and making nasty comments about people.
When its good, he is kind and funny but more-so now he is just lazy.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 09:59

Loving someone is different to being in a relationship with them.

Original poster

myislandhome · 19/04/2022 10:01

@TheSnowyOwl

Loving someone is different to being in a relationship with them.

That's true. I do love this man but have no respect for him at all.

OP posts:

freeandfierce · 19/04/2022 10:02

No I don't think you can. I slowly lost love for my exh due to my lack of respect for him. He turned into a different person over our long marriage, extremely rude to people, did nothing around the house, moody. It just made me slowly fall out of love. I still love him, even now but realised I wasn't not 'in love' if that makes sense.

HollowTalk · 19/04/2022 10:05

But what do you love about him? He sounds a complete slob. He may make you laugh occasionally but I would imagine that's when he wants his own way about something.

Original poster

myislandhome · 19/04/2022 10:15

@HollowTalk

But what do you love about him? He sounds a complete slob. He may make you laugh occasionally but I would imagine that's when he wants his own way about something.

It's so hard to define, isnt it.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/04/2022 10:17

It's not really hard to define though. Maybe you feel a connection towards him but I really don't think what you feel is love.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/04/2022 10:18

Of course you can love someone you don't respect. Whether you can/ should stay in a relationship with them is another question.

Babadook76 · 19/04/2022 10:19

It depends. I love family members that I don’t really respect. I don’t think I could love a partner I don’t respect though

cookiemonster2468 · 19/04/2022 10:19

@HollowTalk

But what do you love about him? He sounds a complete slob. He may make you laugh occasionally but I would imagine that's when he wants his own way about something.

I don't think you have to love something 'about' someone in order to love them.

You can love somebody because of a longstanding connection, e.g. family members or as in OP's case, a partner you've been with for a number of years.

People don't need special traits in order for others to love them, if we have a connection.

I would want more than this for a partner, though.

Original poster

myislandhome · 19/04/2022 10:20

@HollowTalk

It's not really hard to define though. Maybe you feel a connection towards him but I really don't think what you feel is love.

We have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 20. The things about him were his values and kindness and that we co-exist quite easily BUT as time has gone on, he works less and just lays about etc

OP posts:

Justanotherteaandbiscuit · 19/04/2022 12:25

Love isn't everything. You can love someone and not like them at all. Can you have a relationship with someone you don't like/respect - yes. Should you? Probably not.

AntarcticTern · 19/04/2022 12:32

You say he is kind OP, but a kind person wouldn't make nasty comments about others?

gannett · 19/04/2022 12:35

I don't think love can exist without respect. If there's no respect it's not love, it's... I don't know, habit or lust or something else.

If someone told me they didn't respect me but they loved me, I would hit the roof.

thestraitofillinois · 19/04/2022 12:43

What's the reason he's become lazy?

Original poster

myislandhome · 19/04/2022 13:30

@thestraitofillinois

What's the reason he's become lazy?

He reckons he is "semi retired". Complains that he works "all day" when he really does 8.30-9.30 and then 2.30-4.30 pm

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 19/04/2022 13:55

No...not for long anyway. Once respect is lost, love dies. Feelings of obligation or fear of leaving them might cause you to linger if you're in a relationship with them of course. Or wishing that they could regain that respect from you by apologising and changing their ways. But that's not love. And tbh, I don't know if thers anything your partner could do to regain respect after all these years being a shitty, nasty person. Do you?

Cut your losses and run. Before he sucks the rest of your life dry.

Alcemeg · 19/04/2022 19:16

No. I think love is total respect. I can't imagine defining it any other way.

CheekyHobson · 19/04/2022 20:52

As others have said, for me, respect is part of the foundation on which genuine love can be built. Honesty and the trust it brings, shared fun and mutual care are other ingredients in the foundation.

Without those elements, for me, there is no love. There might be other elements that attract you to/keep you in the relationship – familial loyalty or obligation/duty, financial vulnerability, strong physical attraction –but they're not solid enough ground to base a life-long relationship on.

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