Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lost in my relationship

11 replies

Kaitkyn76 · 18/04/2022 19:47

Hi really dont know where to start...
Been with my bf for 5 years now. Lived together 3 engaged 1.
It's been a Rocky road living together as I have 3 grown kids and its been hard blending families. But we got there..so i thought!
My bf suffers from depression and what he says adhd but never diagnosed hes 45 now. He took himself off anti deperssants in Jan and wont go bk on them as says dont need them anymore...its a no go zone!
Basically when he gets stressed or too much for him he lashes out..at me...last week things got too much ,moneys tight , he left his decent job cos he didnt like the way he was spoken too!, next job they sacked him as he had no computer knowledge so now with agency work. I work full time 40+ hours and been paying eveything to cover that he wasnt working I been doing my best .even paying his £600 car finance loan!
Anyway suddently watching TV he snapped..he said somthing about money and i said it's ok calm down we sort, it all be ok..we are in it together! ..then he went mad saying it's a joke we in it together,hes under the thumb,my kids talk to him like shit , he has no respect and told me to.leave as didnt like my attitude...I was in my pjs...it was late..he said he wasnt listened too not respected his house had enough ( hes on tenancy and wont put me on it as he believes if i do i will kick him out as i got kids, even though there all adults) he did this about 2 years ago...threw me out as everything got on top of him.but we worked threw it....anyway I went sit in the car for 2 hours and cried i stayed to let it cool down.it was about 11 pm. Then Went bk in..I had to say sorry to him to be let in. i said I wont talk to him like that again( even though not sure what i did say as i was supporting him) he said he give me last chance to buck my ideas up and sort myself out..i said ok..and i had to sleep on sofa for two nights....then suddently heacted like nothing happened! Since then it's beenlike that night never happened....we are due to.move next month...yet again only in his name....but hes talking like last week never happened...I am totally confused and worried if this will happen again..I am late 40s not a child and feel exhausted.
Yes I do.love him of course I do..but what did i do so wrong to be thrown out.. ..

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 18/04/2022 19:56

Find a new house and move into it;without him.

Your kids are adults?;if their working get them to contribute towards the deposit.

What a miserable existence for you all living with this man.It won't get any better however you can do better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 19:58

There is no relationship. He’s treating you like absolute crap while using you to pay for the roof over his head, the food he eats, his bills and his fucking car loan and your name isn’t on the tendency so he can kick you out.

You have a job, you can pay your own way, you don’t owe him a penny more so get out as soon as you can! Have you got a friend you can stay with while you find a rental? You’ve seriously got to leave, ideally tomorrow.

You’re being abused. Financially and emotionally. Please call women’s aid. He’s got some sort of hold over you that you’re putting up with this. It’s awful. You probably don’t realise how awful.

Kaitkyn76 · 18/04/2022 19:58

My children dont live with me . It's just me and my bf

OP posts:
Kaitkyn76 · 18/04/2022 20:03

No family locally no friends.and literally no money I am in debt to my eye balls paying for it all. I havent been in this area long enough to get council help...
I keep thinking it be ok..I know what not to say to set him off...I keep thinking he change . I want it to all be ok..

OP posts:
BemoreDerek · 18/04/2022 20:06

Stop looking for 'what you did wrong', you didn't do anything wrong but you don't have to for abusers like him to flip. Even if you followed every little 'rule' he set and did everything you could to 'buck your ideas up' he would still lose it every now and again and it doesn't matter how few and far between those incidents are you will still walk on eggshells waiting for the next time. You may not be ready to face up to it yet but he is an abuser, can I recommend The Freedom Programme online? It costs £12 and will help you recognise exactly what he's doing, and hopefully give you strength to get away from him freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Sassypants82 · 18/04/2022 20:10

He's abusive and you won't have a days peace with him. He's using you and making you act grateful for it. Cut him loose and make your own way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 20:15

He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. You’re the one who has to change and do whatever you can to escape this awful dangerous situation. Please call womens aid. He’s kicked you out once, he’ll do it again.

ExtraOnion · 18/04/2022 20:47

What is it you love about him? The way he talks to you? Makes you cry? Blames you for things? Doesn’t trust you? Spends all the money?

What are these lovable qualities - as I can’t see any in your first post.

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2022 20:47

If you're in debt stop paying his car loan.

Kaitkyn76 · 20/04/2022 15:50

It's so hard ...........I want it to all be ok this time
I have nothing to my name

OP posts:
longtompot · 20/04/2022 16:14

Kaitkyn76 · 18/04/2022 20:03

No family locally no friends.and literally no money I am in debt to my eye balls paying for it all. I havent been in this area long enough to get council help...
I keep thinking it be ok..I know what not to say to set him off...I keep thinking he change . I want it to all be ok..

The quicker you leave him the quicker your debt will go. He is abusing you and then making YOU apologise! And he's saying you need to buck up your ideas!? Can you stay with one of your grown up kids?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page