Family… not sure whether to move on. For good.

[TheRussianDoll]

Will try to keep it short.

I’m married. Nearly 60. Have one sister; we’re close. She has three grown up kids. I have one. My sister is single.

For as long as I can remember, her life has been utter chaos. I’m kind of “the sensible one”. Her adult children are involved with drugs, gambling (massive debts), violence, alcohol and with arrests for assault etc. Their partners are as bad. One has had her children removed by social services. They’re always claiming poverty and borrowing from her but never give it back. She works hard and is on a low income. She had the bailiffs at her door recently and she had to pay up, on behalf of her son who owes her a lot of money but has recently booked a holiday to Mexico!

I’ve listened to my sister for 20 yrs; tried to support her (as she has done for me). She’s lovely but a month ago, we had the most horrendous row. Not between us two but with her kids. It got very, very nasty as I was trying to protect my sister. It wasn’t my row I was just visiting for the day.

Now, as happens, her home situation has calmed down and they’re all “getting on again”. My sister doesn’t understand that I am not “back”. I said on the day of the row “I can’t do this any more; I’m too old and I need to move away from it”. I meant it. My husband has been really poorly. Needs to take early retirement.

Today, I phoned her, only to find she had a friend staying who is also fond of a drink, gets stroppy and abusive when drunk and has horrible racist views. She told me he was just “up for the weekend” and I reminded her of the fact that the last time he visited, he was so drunk and awful, she asked him to leave. The man also refers to “half wits and window lickers” (disabled people). I have a son with autism.

I came off the phone and was so, so upset. She’s my only living relative. I love her dearly but I absolutely despair and I’m not sure I can do any more.

What would you do? I want to have a relationship with my sister but am I unreasonable to say “enough” with her kids. And seriously, if I don’t engage with all of her “troubles” we’ll have little to talk about.

I'd step back. Way back. Put yourself first. No-one else will.

@StopStartStop Thanks for your reply.

Thing is, my sister and I both grew up with violence and alcoholism, in the home. It was the 60’s. We had to cling to each other, as there was no one else really. She always protected me. Our mum just put up with it. The police would arrive (called by the neighbours) and we’d be in a place of safety for days or weeks, but mum always went back.

My sister talks endless about what she’s going to do but never does it. My nephew, who is 6ft 7” tall and had been in the beer and a bit of recreational drugs the night before was screaming in my face.

I think I’m done.

Sounds as if you need to believe these people, as they've shown you who they are. Step back, for your own safety.

Please step back for your own sanity. Try to remember that you've tried really, really hard for years to help your sister, so you've nothing to feel guilty for.
You given all you can. You don't deserve this.

Thanks @Weatherwax13

I think I have to. The tension Is horrendous. I just feel too old and tired.

Just before my mum died (2019) she had stepped away from it all. She was quite lonely but felt enough was enough. I think that for my sister, for all of them, their “normal” is screaming matches, violence inside and outside the home, police being called etc etc. I’m the odd one out because no one in their right mind would think any of it was normal daily living.

I often ask DH “Is it me? Am I the odd one?”

My mum could have written this. She has stepped back, and it’s hard as she misses her sisters but enough was enough and it was causing her more harm and distress than good.

Please put your own needs and health first.

You deserve some peace.
You deserve some peace.
You deserve some peace.

I also have family who cause me pain and turbulence. It’s sad. Massively stepping back is the only solution I can see.

Yes it is so hard but you are completely right. This is normal for your sister and her family. She is okay with the fights and the rages and the danger, her brain is conditioned to find that the more comfortable state and she seeks it out like her alcoholic sons seeks alcohol. It is time for peace for yourself and your husband. Step right back and let her live her own life. It is incredibly sad, I’ve had to do the same with a sister who has been tolerating our family’s abuse of her all her life and enables it now as her way of normal. It is very sad.

You have done your best.

Do you want this to be the rest of your life?

You love your sister but the price of contact is too high.

Your sole conversation is her drama.

You finally have drama fatigue.

You deserve peace.

Focus on your family.

You can take a step back without cutting your sister off entirely. Move away, talk to her on the phone, you can be close without being involved in her day to day life.

I don’t think you can talk to your sister without getting details of her chaotic life. So I would not talk to her for 3 months. You need a cooling off period.

Get your DH sorted out and plan what you two are going to do. What are your goals and plans? Don’t include visiting your sister. I truly don’t think people who are this chaotic ever change. They are not surrounded by reasonable people. So step back. Absence might make her heart grow fonder!