Mother I'm law (italian)

[Uggybigboots]

Hello all,

I live in Italy, had my baby in Italy and since this has happened my mother in law (italian) has become hell on earth-constant undermining, questioning my decisions and just all round being a cow.. she also said I was too old to have a baby (I had him at 42). We were never best friends before but now it's intolerable and I can't bear to be near her. My husband tries to stand up to her but she is incapable of listening.. we live 500km away so not a constant issue but holidays are hell with her and it's affecting my marriage and mental health . Any advice? Anyone with italian in laws.. ? Please aiuto!

Can't you just ignore her?

Sorry to hear about your situation. She sounds very similar to my own mother. She has a bully type personality. What I would say is that she will never change. Given this I would resolve to keep her at an arms length and always make clear to her that you will not tolerate her negative behaviour. With people like this you are damned if you do and dammed if you don’t. So I would set up those boundaries up right now. It will be very hard at times but for your own long term sanity it will be worth it.

I myself didn’t do this early enough and it’s caused me so much stress. The worst of it was that she has put me down in front of my own children and has undermined me no end. I barely talk to her but I make sure that she knows I don’t care for her views and opinions and she can keep her perpetual criticism and put downs to herself.

I am absolutely not surprised. We lived in Italy for years and have many friends there. It was a running joke that Italian mothers think of their sons as 'Jesus' and tbh I have seen that enough times to believe it is true. The daughters are often relegated into second or third position so heaven alone knows where the DiL sits. We are going back in a few weeks and will see our old friends who has a son who is married and they have just had a child. Without speaking to them I would guess that she doesn't stand a chance. No doubt her mothering and of course cooking in nowhere near where it should be.

Sorry I have no advice only that it is cultural and I don't see a way around this especially as the son's are never going to face up to their mothers who have micro managed them since birth.

I had an Italian American one. Took cow to a whole other planet. The hate was mutual. I divorced her son and literally never spoke to or heard from her or any other member of the family again except exh, that took a restraining order. Her daughters were as bad, if not worse than she was. Daughter in laws were less than human but son in laws were up there close to sons. She didnt even particularly like the son I was married to either. Whole family of totally fucked up.
Oh and her hatred of me transferred on to my kids, always treated a whole lot worse than all the other grandkids.

Way to go with the cultural stereotypes! I too live in Italy and had an Italian MIL (now deceased), she was nothing like this. I know she disapproved of many of my choices but bit her tongue. Ditto my (Italian) best friend’s MIL, not overbearing at all. I’ve known some shitty MILs but not many have been Italian.

If she really is such a huge issue, you really need to stop going on holiday to her place, it really doesn’t matter if your DP’s family are all there. If they want to see you they come to visit one at a time, so they’re in your territory making it easier to stand up to them. If your DP is a wet lettuce I would avoid them completely until DC is older.

I guess having overbearing (Northern European) grandparents who bullied my Italian DM meant I was never going to put up with any of this shit.

Cut her out of your life entirely. You husband can see her and take your child for visits. Nothing requires you to have this woman in your life.

This is not cultural, this is who she really is and people can be nasty to others regardless of nationality.

Does your husband really try to stand up to her?. He is key here, he’s grown up with her after all. Does he actually still want to try re his mother or is he not bothered about her?.

You do not mention your father in law here, where is he?.

Taking your child with your husband to see her just gives her what she wants I.e you out of the way. Who knows too what she could say about you, it does your child no favours to see you as their mum being so disrespected. Such people like his mother need to be avoided by you all.

You live 500km away. Just stop talking to or visiting her. Tell your husband not to speak to you about her.

I'm in Italy and I've got one.
She's 8 km away and yesterday told me that as I stole her son away from her, so university will steal my daughter and SHE'LL NEVER COME BACK AND ITS WHAT I DESERVE.
I just laugh at her now. Because it's not 19 years ago when I was pregnant and had this witch telling me my child wouldn't be getting a passport because she wouldn't be going anywhere and doesn't my mother look like a Nazi. and I'm no longer the person I was thinking what the fuck am I getting into.
I didn't see mine for 10 years after that.
I see her now and we run along fine till she's offended by something or other and falls out with everyone.
The hypocrisy in these"United" families is endemic.
It hasn't affected DD. Just made her more determined to get the fuck out of Dodge at the first opportunity and never come back.

Let your husband deal with your MIL. He needs to intervene.

Comes with the territory I'm afraid

(Name changed). OP, you have my full sympathy. Similar situation but my DC are older now. So many stories I could write
here, all too outing, that so many people would think were fiction. For most people being DIL to an Italian MIL really takes huge resilience. I have tried so, SO hard over the years and know that I will never be seen to be good enough for her son, nor good enough to be mother to her grandchildren; yet because they are my children they come below her other grandchildren. Hang on in there as it does get easier as your own children get older, but my goodness I understand where you are coming from

I think it is all Mediterranean MIL - not just Italian. I grew up in the UK but am now living in a Mediterranean country and married someone who has the same nationality as my parents.

It does come with the territory. They do change as they get older. You change as you get older and decide that they really are not that important in the big scheme of things.

And your kids will not like her as much due to the way she treats you but they will only do this when they get older.

Communicating with your husband without abusing his mother but calling her out on her behaviour. If it helps the tables have totally turned with my MIL. She is now in her 80s and does not have the power she had in her early 60s and in fact begs me for her sons (one being my dear DH) not to put her in a nursing home. How the tables have turned ....:)

My ex MIL isn't Italian but from another Mediterranean country where family is everything and very matriarchal.

I'm a firm believer in chances and am a very direct person so would say things like "MIL what to have said is rude and makes me not want to spend time with you" etc. She couldn't care less but it meant a lot to me that I had directly to her and given her the chance to change.

When I'd had enough, I said to my DH "I'm refusing to visit, she has been rude to me one too many times and had thousands of chances to change how she treats me and chooses not to. I would really love to get on well with her but I can't change her behaviour so my only option is to change mine. I am not going. Neither is my DC because I will not have him around people who disrespect his parents. Hopefully this shocks her into being more respectful but if it doesn't im prepared to never see her again"

It did shock her massively and I agreed to see her again after the one visit I missed she was on her best behaviour because she knew I meant it. You have to be the bigger bitch, I have a will of steel so she knew I meant it when I said I'd never come back.

My exH found it extreme despite being on my side all those years so I did keep telling him it was just a trial, I really hope it shocks her into listening, I wouldn't have DC around any of MY family members who disrespected YOU (when he said he was taking DC because "they're my children too"). I also told him he had the kids with me, not her, and his choice at this point was to piss off his mum (who loves him unconditionally and would forgive him as a mass murderer) vs his wife who he shares a life with and whose love is conditional on being supported and listened to and what did he think would make his life more difficult? I said I would divorce him if he took the kids to her without me and I meant it. I also said i would forgive her and move forward with visiting if she could at the bare minimum respect me and I meant that too.

It did work out in the end. Good luck!

I have a VERRRRRRY difficult Italian mother in law. She has learned to try and give me space, however I’ve learned the BEST “hack” on trying to make my life easier. As my kids have gotten older she mostly speaks directly to them. Many times her and my father in law have spoken ugly about me, even to my own kids, so undermining is definitely a big deal. What the bottom line is….they want you to call more often! LOLOL! That’s all!!!! She will LITERALLY STOP giving you grief if you simply CALL her. She’ll tell you what to do with your kid and everything over the phone, because she wants to try and control stuff, but you live far and you don’t have to do ONE SINGLE thing she says. Just TRY to keep her happy, and your marriage, your life AND your mother in law will be so much healthier. Lol! Seriously! It’s my best advice. Simply call her. Like every 3 or 4 days. IT WORKS!!!! She wants to feel involved in your kids life, and in your family’s life and we, as daughter in laws, are “the enemy”. LOLOL! It’s a jealousy thing. They get jealous and want “in” our family! The best way to keep that happy, is simply to let her feel like she’s a part. I’m SERIOUS! It WORKS! Hope this helps. Try and ignore anything ugly. Eventually she’ll slow down on ugly things she says. She’ll send gifts, and send love and speak good about you to EVERYONE and you’ll be greatly loved at the holidays. Haha! Try it and let me know. 💞💞💞

Bwahaha! Sounds like my mother in law. But we’ve had to deal with it. My problem is that the Italian blood is so strong I have 3 daughters who two are turning out to be like HER!!!! I’ve cried so many days over this but God has helped me. Prayer has helped calm my own Italian daughters. I can’t keep them from their grandmother. I’ve had to learn to live with her in my life and her blood in my own girls! My best advice would be to try and just call her more often so she can stop feeling like you’re the enemy, but I guess with your grown children who don’t want to be around her, I’m sure it’s too late. Italian MIL’s are soo jealous. The best way I’ve found to handle her is to just try to call so she feels included in our life. (But I don’t make a habit of going to see her as often as she might like….on purpose.) If we go, we don’t have to stay long. Just bring a gift of food, say hello and stay a little while and then leave.

Wow! Some statement! Do you think all mother in laws in -say- Barcelona, are controlling witches??