Go gentle on me, I’m new here..!
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. We’re not married (my decision, I’m just not into the idea in general, it’s not specific to her) and don’t have kids. We have 2 dogs and own a house together.
We barely have sex anymore. I’ve always been a very sexual person. She has a history of sexual trauma. Still, our sex was great for the first couple of years. Then it became really difficult, her trauma history obviously not helping. She didn’t like when I initiated sex, but she felt awkward initiating sex. Over the years, this has created a lot of problems and arguments, to the extent that I’ve stopped ever initiating, as I don’t want to trigger her, and on the rare occasions when she does try it on with me, I freeze. And I have never, ever had issues with sex before.
I have pleaded with her to get therapy to address her traumatic childhood, but she won’t (she has had therapy before our relationship). She has suggested couples counselling, and I set up a session and it went quite well. But it feels like I’m constantly the driver behind this, and that makes me feel weird/pushy - and, more recently, a little resentful.
I understand a lot about sexual abuse. I worked for DV and SV services for years. But while I really feel for her, I’m also concerned that I’ve just sort of switched off the sexual part of myself, and it was such an important part of me before this relationship.
The relationship isn’t great even apart from that. She works away all week, and sleeps more than anyone I’ve ever met (she’s had medical tests, she’s fine) on weekends. I look after the dogs (it was her idea to get them; in fact, she bought one of them - a border collie, no less!! - as a surprise present for me about a month into our relationship, with zero discussion!). I do nearly everything around the house. I also let myself be talked into buying a house together (I take responsibility, I’m an adult, but it was never something I was interested in doing tbh), and I don’t know, I just feel trapped. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even particularly like her; I feel bitter and resentful and I hate that.
I’m just wondering what the point is, you know?! And keep fantasising about leaving. I work online, so I could work anywhere in the world with an internet connection. I could be a sexual person again.
On the other hand, she is extremely caring, affectionate, kind, loyal, trustworthy, devoted, and a very good partner in many ways. I’m not exactly a walk in the park (I have depression and ADHD). And I’m not sure if I’d be throwing away a good thing, or even if 37 is too old to start again.
I know relationships take work, and I have tried a lot (I’ve been in therapy for the duration of our relationship, often talking about our relationship!) - but how do you know when to work at it more or just call it a day?! I’ve given her ultimatums before, but nothing changes and my sense of self is slowly eroding the more I “nag” her about these things yet don’t actually leave her.
Thanks so much!