I will try and keep concise.
Really looking for advice on how to balance knowing my place but not ignoring things which are abusive.
Niece and SIL lived with us from when baby was born until she was about 2.5years old.
BIL also lived with us from when niece was about 1 to 2.5 when she moved out and then stayed on his own here for a few months and then also moved out.
Niece is 3 now.
Niece and SIL popped back for the half term and have spent a lovely 10 days together, niece is funny, well mannered, thoughtful, kind (minus the usual toddler tantrum) but on the whole a lovely little girl to be around.
Then her Dad joined for the last few days, she turns into a different child, she’s bratty, rude,
Physical with other kids.
I have just heard her say to her mum when she was leaving her room with her Dad, go away mummy, shut up, your not my friend, I don’t want you, shut up your stupid - then to her Dad- Daddy I told mummy to shut up and go away, to which he replies yeah mummy’s stupid.
Whilst these are things she can and does say at other points, she is spoken to about them, will apologise and it’s short lived.
But this attitude is alllllll day.
With her Dad everything she wants she will get, if her Mum disagrees she will be overruled, Dad will say to the little girl tell mummy she is stupid or to shut up.
Niece will spend her whole day crying, as she knows even if Dad says no then if she cry’s she will get whatever she wants.
Dad wasn’t around for much of first year of her life (not through choice), and works away a lot now.
I think he feels guilt about this hence the giving her everything and think he feels jealous and insecure also.
But this is an awful situation for mum and niece.
I have spoken with him previously, as has my husband (been whilst they were living with us), have also tried to be supportive to his wife, as most of the time he’s a jerk to her.
SIL moved away (when niece was 2.5) as didn’t want to be in the relationship and wanted space, but they have been trying to work things out. There is a cultural element to this (shame on family with breakdown of relationship) but as SIL is aware this is no excuse for his behaviour and my husband (same culture) does not behave the same, and also challenges this.
An example yesterday she walked behind the counter of our business, took 2 packs of crisps and a chocolate bar and went back to her table.
She knows if she wants something to ask, sometimes she’s told yes and sometime no, she also knows not to go behind the counter, and 9 times out of 10 does ask and will wait, and if she doesn’t she is told to put them back which she will mostly do, rarely she will cry or tantrum about it.
I asked her to put them back as she hadn’t asked.
She said no my Daddy said I can have them, shut up, your not my friend.
Dad is sat there, does and says nothing.
I ask again, she screams at me to shut up, smashes her hand on them all, Dad says oh you will have to have them now.
Should he not be there, I would have taken them off her anyway.
But I’m like what’s the fucking point, as he will walk her to the shop and buy some, she’s going to scream and cry in front of customers.
So my plan is if she asks for anything from me and Dad is there then to say to ask Mummy or Daddy.
Is this the way to handle things?
