Bit of an irritation

[Swansong1965]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone else has this problem? My boyfriend (of 9 years) buys me things based on what he calls his ‘visions’ of me. The first gift was a wine cooler. He said he bought it because he visualised me inviting my female friends round for a bottle of wine. I have loads of friends, but I’ve never had any of them round for wine. A cup of tea, yes. And equally they never have me round for wine. Roll the years on, and I’m bought an £18.99 Barbour lunch box, because he has images of me sitting down my allotment with it. I do sit down my allotment to eat sometimes, but from a paper bag, and just like everyone else. Recently I was bought a £150 silk square scarf, because he said he had an image of me walking around town with it. Bear in mind that I am often wearing my trusty old coat that I wear to my allotment, with my soft and warm knitted scarf . I could mention many of these gifts. I’m a working class lass, who likes nice things, but I’m down to earth and practical. I’m happy in my own skin, with my friends who are happy in theirs, and my allotment chums who make do and mend, if you get what I mean. I feel that his visions of me are not the reality, and worst of all, that he is spending a lot of money on these things that he could spend on himself or other people. And yes, I have mentioned things that I would like and would definitely use, but I never receive them, and end up buying them myself. I expect that I sound very ungrateful don’t I … sorry.

Have you been really honest with him that these gifts aren’t really you? I would want to return a £150 scarf I didn’t really like.

Yes, I have. I did ask him to return the scarf as it was so much money, and I felt bad that I would never wear it. I thought that would do the trick, but no.

Did he listen to you and return it?

I’d be the same as you-I’d be questioning whether he really knew and liked me if he kept buying things to make me into someone else.

I personally don't see a big issue here. Maybe the terminology he's using is what's irritating you.

If he'd said "I thought this scarf would suit you" would you be less irritated than him saying "I had visions of you walking around wearing this."

If he'd said "I bought a lunchbox because I thought it might mean you don't get soggy sandwiches on a wet day" would that have been better?

@girlmom21 - that’s a very good point. That’s why I’ve written today. When I hear the words ‘I had an image of you … ‘ or ‘I visualised you …’ I literally freeze. It has started to grate me. You are right. But an ordinary lunch box would have been fine. I haven’t used the Barbour one because I’d feel uncomfortable.

Do you think it could be that he likes to be seen to be buying you fancy presents?

It's like 'vision' is in fact code for 'a version of you that I'd like you to be'.

@PurpleDaisies - he didn’t return it. He says (boasts a bit) that money means nothing to him (he is not that wealthy though). That also makes me flinch when I think of what £150 could have been spent on. I donate a few things to food banks, so am quite mindful. He will probably give the scarf to someone who will use it - I can think of a few. I’ve got no problem with that.