I'm so lonely and isolated

[soutterlyalone]

I'm in my early 20s and slowly over the years I've gotten more and more isolated. I have one friend left but she lives 2 hours away now. I work from home, but the times that I do go into the office I feel even lonelier as I just don't click with my colleagues and I find I have nothing to contribute in conversations.

My family are all autistic, and they aren't very social so I can't even socialise with them. Sometimes I catch myself hanging around in the kitchen whilst one of them cooks, hoping for a conversation. Or I'll sit with them in the lounge just hoping that they will put their phone down and start chatting. I've only just noticed that I do this, it's such a waste of time.

I'm not close with my extended family. I don't have any cousins anyway so it's just my grandparents and two sets of aunties and uncles.

I'm single and to be honest don't feel ready for a relationship. I feel so socially isolated that I just feel like I almost need to be reintegrated into society first, as drastic as that sounds.

I don't know how it got like this. At school I always had a solid group of friends.

The reason you had friends at school is that you were around groups of people on a regular consistent basis which is why it's easier to make friends at that time.

The best thing to do is to find other groups to make friends from, whether that's joining sports, hobbies and interests, volunteering, just try things even if you think it's not your thing. Something that you turn up to regularly, be approachable and friendly. It takes a bit of effort but pushing yourself leads to an upwards spiral. Isolating yourself and feeling bad has the opposite effect

Also, are you able to change your job to working in the office/site? It's difficult to feel part of something if you rarely show up. Perhaps your current company isn't your tribe, that's not uour fault but you can do something about it.

You can turn this around but you need to find people not rely on your current situation up or your family who are what they are and won't change

You can’t rely on your family for friendships, family aren’t really friends, we don’t get to choose them. Mine are useless.

If you want friends you need to put yourself out there. Join groups; there are also apps to make friends.

The other thing to consider is that it takes time to make new friends. You might join a group and click immediately, it might take persistence. The other absolute people attractor is owning a dog. It gets you out and about which will improve your mood and confidence plus dog owners love to chat to other owners. A bit of casual interaction can improve any negative thoughts you may be having about you being unlikeable or being an issue.

I think this happens quite a lot with people your age. Often after school, people move away to uni or college, and friendship groups disperse. For those left at home, or if they return home when their course is finished, they've lost their close group of friends. Add to that increased working from home, and it makes your world smaller. You don't see as many people, you don't see them often enough to form bonds. There's been less by way of work's drinks and parties for the last 2 years. When they do happen, fewer people are attending...

So I don't think you're on your own. The good news is that at school you had a solid group of friends - so you know that it isn't you! You know you are able to foster good friendships, it's just that life has made that harder at the moment.

And if your family aren't great communicators then that will make you feel it more, as you aren't getting the social benefits you want at home.

Is there anyone at home you could talk to, who would see your point of view and encourage more communication at home? If that's a non-starter then you need to look outside the home - be open to joining a hobby group of some kind. Can you go in to work more often and get to know your colleagues better? Be open and chatty and you will make new friends (as well as keeping in touch with the old one - you can arrange some week end visits or trips away?).

I feel so socially isolated that I just feel like I almost need to be reintegrated into society first

You are spot on - you do need to do this.
You won't have friends if you are not making the effort to be regularly around people. You have nothing to say to colleagues as you aren't doing things to talk about.
You are young, get out there and start doing things and meeting people. It may not be easy, it may take a long time to build new friendships, there may be a lot of false starts, but you can do it.

What are your interests OP?

Maybe you could volunteer to get yourself out there? Night classes?

Would you like to live in a house share? It does sound like an isolated and lonely time for you. 💐

You are right, you do need to get socially integrated again. I strongly recommend you take up three or four activities each week, of different types, all of which will massively enhance your life, whether you make friends from them or not.

Sign up to volunteer somewhere - a food bank, community garden, beach clean or political party etc.
Join some form of fitness club or class - running, dance, bootcamp - whatever form you genuinely enjoy
Join a class or club where you naturally chat and interact a lot - a book club or writing group, am dram soc or similar
Join some form of spiritual group - a church or meditation class.

Maybe hunt around this coming term and try a few out then when you know what you genuinely enjoy, sign up and - this is the key - stay signed up for at least a year, maybe two. It can take a while for real friendships to evolve. Don't push or force anything, just turn up and show interest. If people invite you for coffee afterwards or Christmas drinks, go along. After a while, the familiarity and shared experience means you get on friendly terms with people.