Mum isn’t keen on my partner

[Cottage123]

Hi!

So me and my partner aren’t married but I’m not clued up on all of the words used on here so not sure if I can use ‘DH’!

When my partner and I first met my Mum loved my partner. She didn’t have a bad word to say about him. We have been together 3 years and live together.

About 6/7 months ago my partner had an accident and had to have an operation. The injury had a long recovery time and it meant he couldn’t do anything around the house or walk our two dogs. One of which is a spaniel so hard work!

Therefore I was doing everything (originally it was 50/50 as we both work full time) which I didn’t mind. As he improved and was pretty much recovered and could start doing a few things, I felt that he had got ‘used’ to everything being done and things were not going back to how they used to be and 50/50. I started getting very stressed out and I had exams for my qualification that I had coming up and I felt like my partner wasn’t listening to me.

I spoke to my Mum about it to vent and she said she had her suspicions that this was happening and told me to be very careful about having kids and to think about if this is really what I want. I had a big chat with my partner and said I can’t be with someone where I’m doing everything if we’re both working full time as it isn’t fair and since then everything has been a lot better and he seems back to himself. Before his injury he was very active, gym 5 days a week etc so I think he was struggling mentally for a while. Everything is back to 50/50 with the house work and dog walks and I feel happy and supported again.

However, whenever we see my Mum I can tell that she isn’t happy and seems very ‘off’ with him. It doesn’t help that they have a very different sense of humour. My mum is very sensitive and my partner has a dry sense of humour. For context, my Mum and Dad are divorced and I think she’s worried I will end up in her situation. However, I’m of the view that no relationship is perfect and there is always going to be ebbs and flows. He hasn’t done anything horrific.

Just looking for some advice as I’m now worried maybe my partner isn’t someone I should be settling down with as people generally say ‘mums always know’. I’m an over thinker! Has anyone been in a similar situation before or have any advice?

I think I'm on your mum's side here. Your partner's natural instinct was to let you do everything. He must've seen that you were struggling and he was doing nothing.

I agree with her, it's only 50/50 again because you kicked him up the arse. A real man wants to get his own shit together.

I think you’re an over thinker too.

In what way is your mum ‘off’ with him?

Thank you for your replies everyone.

She’s not as welcoming towards him anymore and doesn’t entertain conversation as much as before. She gives him the cold shoulder.

Your mum has seen men like this before.
As have a lot of people on Mumsnet.

She's worried that he's a sort of person that will need 'mothering' and that need will increase when kids come along.
She doesn't want you in a situation where your raising the kids, doing the housework, trying to work and managing him and his time at the same time.

It doesn't bode well that he defaulted to a "do fuck all till moaned at" attitude.
If marriage and kids come along and he defaults back to that again, you may find chats don't work as by then he's "got you" and leaving would be 100 times harder.
That's what your mum's worried about I reckon based on limited info.

Your Mum is probably right. She has been where you are and can recognise the signs. If you have a generally good relationship with your Mum and you trust her judgement in other things, then listen to her now.

Thank you. I need to have a think and get my head around it all. I never thought we would be in this situation so it’s a bit of a shock

Unless there’s more to it, and he isn’t as 50-50 as you say he now is, it seems to me that your mum is being a bit unfair. As you say, relationships ebb and flow. She definitely has a point about if he’d pull his weight if you had children, but forewarned is forearmed and it’s positive that you’ve been able to talk about it and he’s listened and upped his game.

On the other hand, perhaps you’re imagining the frostiness from your mum? Has your partner noticed it? If not then it’s probably OK. They have a relationship that might need to ebb and flow a bit too, and your mum might be projecting from her own experience and will get over it.

None of this - a bloke who was a bit lazy and a mum who is a little bit cold shoulder - sounds like a big deal to me.

The first chance he got your partner let you become the skivvy, and it would still be that way if you hadn't put your foot down. I wouldn't be with a man like that.

Yeah your mum knows the score. I’d feel the same as her.