Is this abuse???

DropYourSword · 18/04/2022 07:52

Every single part of that is abusive. Which parts do you even think might not be??

eyeoresancerre · 18/04/2022 07:53

He's an absolute waste of a man. Yes this is abuse and he's a complete fucker for making you even question if this is ok. It's not ok and you need to decide how you wish to proceed. Don't rush this process, take some time to quietly work through your next steps until you feel you've come to a choice that works best for you and your children. Do you have a friend in real life you could talk to as well as us here on MN? x

Opentooffers · 18/04/2022 07:54

Daft question, you know all of it is. I hope your op sorts your pain out soon. Contact women's aid ASAP, it's awful.

Bex268 · 18/04/2022 08:06

This sounds awful 😭 please see your self worth and realise not one part of this is okay. You would be so much happier without him xx

NameGoesHere · 18/04/2022 08:08

Leave or kick him out now. So abusive….

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2022 08:11

Very abusive. Do you own or rent your property.

stairgates · 18/04/2022 08:11

Yes completely abusive. How many dc are there, who owns the house, do you have family around. I would get a plan together to get out when you can, it maybtake a year or so but get a plan underway.

Sarkymarky · 18/04/2022 08:13

Oh my lovely this is so awful for you it is absolutely abusive. Please contact womens aid for some practical support. You need to get away from this dreadful man. Can you go and stop with your mum or a friend whilst you sort out alternative accommodation. Please do not put up with this anymore

LoudSnoringDog · 18/04/2022 08:13

All of this is abuse.

FlowerArranger · 18/04/2022 08:18

What was your upbringing like? How is your relationship with your family?

There must be some really horrendous shit in the way you were raised for your self esteem to be so poor and for you to accept this lengthy and ongoing abuse.

What is actually stopping you from taking your child and leaving?

Wildflowerbeauty · 18/04/2022 08:26

He is abusing you and he knows it . It’s not good for the children too . Do you Have anywhere to go ? If so , plan to leave when he is not with you and take the children. Do not go back .

2Gen · 18/04/2022 08:31

Yes OP this is abusive! Extremely so!
Please start making plans to separate from this foul creature! Ring Women's Aid the first chance you get to talk freely to them and they can guide and support you through the process.
If you've enough money, make an appointment with a solicitor. If not, find out about Legal Aid, which W.A. should be able to advise you on.
Not only is he grinding you into the dirt, he's damaging your DC which is showing now as they are also calling you names! You MUST nip that in the bud as it is vital that our DC respect us as their mothers or we will not be able to rear them to be decent people. You are going to have to be a lone mother in the near future so you need them to respect you and take you seriously!
Oh he is a pig OP, I'm so sorry! Please ring W.A. and give us updates. Perhaps ask MN to swap this thread over to relationships as there are loads of women going through similar and can give you sound advice and support! Hugs to you!

Original poster

AFB2022 · 18/04/2022 08:39

Thank you everyone. He has just ground me down so much that even though i know its abuse he has me questionning myself. I feel like i'm going mad. I know i need to make a plan to leave but i don't even know where to start. We own our house but i wouldn't be able to afford it on my own as i only work 22hrs pw. We have 1 dc. I wouldn't be able to stay with my mum as she doesn't have a spare room but could potentially go to my dads but i feel like he should be the one to leave. Why should i have to uproot my child it doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:

mamabear449 · 18/04/2022 08:40

So sorry this is happening to you. I posted something similar this time last year as I also didn't understand whether I was imagining things or whether I was being abused.
Ignore anyone implying this is a silly questions - it's not. This is the nature of abuse, it makes you question whether you are being too sensitive, unreasonable etc. A huge part of the recovery process is to reinforce to yourself over and over that your partner was wrong and it's not your fault.

My advice would be to let us know your circumstances and let us help with practical advice where we can. It might seem impossible to get away from him but trust me it's not.

mrziggycoco · 18/04/2022 10:45

Okay, firstly he has actively threatened to take your child and you never see them again. This is grounds to stop contact when you leave.

No, it's not how a relationship should be. In fact this sounds very scary to me and I think you need to take your child now and go and ask for help from a domestic violence charity in your area.

Here is what I would do:

Ring a DV helpline and ask for a refuge place because you are being abused and scared for your life. Abusive partners very often attempt to kill their partners. Ger a place at a refuge sorted, or get one on the cards. I went to a refuge and had to stay at my dad's prior while they got the place sorted, but once I was there it felt amazing to be free.

Leave, go to a friend or relative or if possible rent something until you get your refuge place.

stop contact with the child and go no contact with your ex. Start a log of all the things you've put here as evidence for if he goes for contact. Getting a contact order will take a while for him anyway. Concentrate on you and your child and get your life sorted after this. You're being abused and need to begin a new life with just your child.

He is also abusing your child by having your child copy his abuse towards you. He sounds utterly unstable.

have a read on here, similar situations www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/legal-social-services-1109/court-cases-43/1306419-boyfriend-keeps-saying-he-will-take-my-baby-me-if-i-leave-my-baby-girl.html

There are three broad categories of child abduction
Abduction where a child is taken overseas without the other parents consent—this is the only category which currently may be a criminal offence under UK law.
Wrongful retention where a child has been kept in a foreign country following an overseas trip without the appropriate consent.
Threat of abduction where there is a risk that a child will be taken overseas without the appropriate consent.
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/abduction/

mrziggycoco · 18/04/2022 10:47

@AFB2022

Thank you everyone. He has just ground me down so much that even though i know its abuse he has me questionning myself. I feel like i'm going mad. I know i need to make a plan to leave but i don't even know where to start. We own our house but i wouldn't be able to afford it on my own as i only work 22hrs pw. We have 1 dc. I wouldn't be able to stay with my mum as she doesn't have a spare room but could potentially go to my dads but i feel like he should be the one to leave. Why should i have to uproot my child it doesn't seem fair.

Another priority for you after you've left! If you get involved with the DV service they should do this automatically, but do the Freedom Programme. All will become clear for you then.

Goodness me you need to escape right now and that man does not belong in your child's life.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 18/04/2022 10:50

It might not be fair but you need to get on with it. He is abusive, he won't change . You need to take some action. His behaviour is not your responsibility but your response is.

Squeezyhug · 18/04/2022 10:52

Yes all of it is abuse op

Don’t waste time thinking about how unjust it is that he’s the one who should leave.

Abusive men don’t leave.
You and dc will have to leave.

Go to your dads for now

Contact Women’s Aid for practical and legal advice
Get out today if possible and don’t tell him where you’re going

lunamoonllc · 18/04/2022 10:53

@AFB2022

I wrote on here a few days ago about my partner but would you class him as abusive? He constantly name calls me things such as lazy, pathetic, loser etc there just the nicer ones and dc has also started calling me a loser. If i want to go to bed earlier on a night to watch netflix he turns the internet off so i can't. He constantly tells me he can't wait to get my replacement in and also says this to our dc who doesn't understand thank fully. About 2yrs ago we nearly split up because of how he was treating me but he kept saying when i was at work he would take dc and i'd never see him again so i stayed because i was scared. Now i just feel like i don't know if i can live like this anymore. I am constantly walking on egg shells around him as not to set him off. I have been through a rough time health wise and am awaiting an op however he has shown me no support and only thinks about his needs because we haven't been able to have sex. I am in pain every day and he is badgering me for sex or a hand job. He won't let me have a lay in or rest during the day even though i am up most nights through the night in pain. He hasn't spoken to me in 2 days because i wouldn' t have sex with him the other night then this morning came up to me and put my hand on his d@#k and said i can redeem myself if i w@#k him off now. I just feel like crying tbh. Surely this isn't how a relationship should be?

100% abusive. It can be hard to spot when you're in it, but abuse isn't always physical. This is all him, does not reflect on you or your person at all. Can be hard but see if there's anyone irl you can speak to about this - wishing you all the best

xx

Wildflowerbeauty · 18/04/2022 10:53

You shouldn’t be the one who has to leave the house, however , he’s so vile I’m not sure how far he’d go if you asked him to leave . So for you n your child’s safety I suggest you leave . Or speak to a help group first to decide what’s the best way to get him out of your life for good .

Tulipsandviolets · 18/04/2022 11:09

He sounds vile. This is no way to live op especially if you have bad health too. Go to your parent's or dad's get away from this nasty man

me4real · 18/04/2022 11:15

Abusive in every way, including sexually. Please separate from him. xxx

Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2022 11:18

That's disgusting. This man is gross and yes, of course it's abusive. He doesn't love you. How much longer are you going to put up with being treated like this? The only reason for being in a relationship is if it makes you happy. Otherwise, what's the point?

Original poster

AFB2022 · 18/04/2022 16:16

I'm planning my leave. Been working out finances this afternoon and what i would ve entitled to. According to the benefits calculator i would get roughly £1500 per month. That includes UC, my wage, childcare costs and child benefit. I'm now worried i won't be able to live on this with the cost of living sky rocketing. Also i'm worried about if i do contact womens aid or present myself as homeless to the council where i will be housed. I'm scared they will move me to a hostel or a bedsit. Honestly feel like i'm stuck.

OP posts:

Ilovethewild · 18/04/2022 16:26

Op, it is scary thinking about what might happen, having to live in a hostel, bedsit, temporary housing, not knowing where you might end up, but in all of that uncertainty you can be sure your ex won’t be there demanding sex or abusing you.

Reach out in real life to DV charities, womens aid and start thinking about getting away from him.

You can sort house out and start again , even if you have less financially you will have it all if you are safe from abuse everyday,

Be strong, you are not to blame, you are in an abusive relationship and can get out.