Why won’t my partner have sex with me anymore

[Gab89]

I really need some help on this one before I absolutely lose it!
I’ve been with my partner for 15 years this year and we have 1 son of 12 years old together. When we first met I was 17 (very young and Naive,now looking back) and he was 27 at the time so theres a 10 year gap between us both. When we first met, like most, we used to have ALOT OF SEX and were very passionate with each other, he practically couldn’t keep his hands off me. Back then I was full of confidence and was made to feel sexy all of the time, infact I felt sexy regardless! …
Fast forward 15 years down the line, things have sadly changed :-( he’s now 43 and I’m 33. My sex drive is still really high and I still have desires that need to be met, but unfortunately he DOES NOT, well it appears not with me anymore anyway. He doesn’t seem to have an interest in sex ‘with me anymore’. It’s so painful for me because I still really love him and I’m still attracted to him and all I want is for him to see me, it’s like I’m invisible most of the time. There’s even times when I’ve placed myself purposefully naked on the bed and he sort of smiles and acknowledges me only to say ‘oh babes sorry I’m Really tired right now maybe tomorrow yeah’ (which never happens) or it’s ‘one sec babes I’m just doing something right now, I’ll be with you in a minute’ (then never comes back). The list goes on and on. This has been happening for the last 4-5 years, but right now it’s at its worst. And I’m not saying we never have sex because we do, but it’s very rare and it’s constantly me that’s the one instigating it all the time, to be honest I don’t really remember the last time he came on to me and made me feel sexy. Like I’m completely mentally exhausted by it all! And as you can imagine over time this has really effected my confidence/ self esteem levels and I know its definitely contributed to my depression and lack of self worth. And for sure it’s defiantly a direct reason why I’m so uncontrollably jealous when I see him or think he’s looking at other women. Which I hate about myself because, let’s be honest, who wants to be ‘crazy jealous dragon lady’ all the time! It’s actually so bad now I can’t even cope with it when sex scenes or hot women come on the TV, we just end up in an argument and end up switching it off. It’s so embarrassing! I hate who I’ve become. The whole relationship has just become so toxic. To be honest I dont think I’m disgusting either (even though That’s how I feel most days now) most people consider me attractive and sexy still, I still get attention when I’m out but the sad thing it’s not from him anymore. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I have tried and tried to approach him about this and he said he knows and he will do better and that he loves me bla bla, but yet nothing physically changes. I’ve even thought about cheating to for fill the vode, yet I really don’t want to do that even though it’s like I’m being pushed into a corner. The worst thing is he has cheated on me in the past which tbh still holds scars for me. But we did try to move forward from that. But I really don’t know how to move forward from this?

And to top it off, imagine hearing somone saying they are going to try and change and that they love you and it’s only you yet they never have sex with you then only to find porn on his phone one day, which in this situation, is like a slap in the face! How can he sit there and give these other women, with their legs open, his valuable time and attention yet me, his girlfriend, of 15 years is begging for his sexual attention and he keeps swerving me? Please somone Tell me am I being unreasonable?

And you know the horrible thing is I know that he does love me he would do anything for me, he hasn’t cheated since all
Those years ago, he’s always with me and he shows that daily to me and our son, yet I don’t know which way we can turn with all this in mind, especially as he’s not willing to admit to it all and fix things.

I’m really even thinking is my only way out to leave him and split up to find myself again and become the happy confident person that I used to know, because this is really and truly starting to contribute and effect my well being. Do I need to start all over again? What do I do?

I don't think it'll ever get better tbh and most of the damage is already done, your confidence and self esteem is shattered.

I would leave him. I have left in the past for this same reason. Choose yourself

I'm sure it's not anything about the way you look but it does seem most unusual for a man to not want sex if he can have it!!

I'd suggest maybe copy and pasting this post and showing him so he knows exactly how you feel? Or a similar one in a text.

Maybe he'll find it easier to give his answers indirectly also.

If he still insists there's nothing wrong then maybe a trip to GP to speak about his libido? Could be stress related or if he has taken any new medication recently?

🙂

You may ultimately have to leave him for your own good, but before that, it's only fair to give him a waning shot. You need to discuss it out of the bedroom. Lay your cards on the table and tell him you are considering ending the relationship. Stick to your guns and insist on counselling as a way forward. Make sure he understands the severity of the situation. If he still won't engage, you have your answer.

He was a 27 year old bloke who fancied and had sex with a 17 year old girl. That would make me question whether his type is simply younger women. It's likely nothing to do with you - your attractiveness and worth don't lie in whether he wants to shag you often or not. I do think the age you were when he met you is quite telling.

This would be a dealbreaker for me sorry

Have you spoken to him about it? Not in the moment / after watching something on tv but sensible conversation downstairs about how often he would like to have sex and if there is a reason he doesn’t seem interested? That’s the only way you will know what’s going on…?

You need to stop trying to have sex and sit and have a conversation. Is he depressed? Does he not feel attractive/find you attractive. Have an open none judgmental conversation, if you get answers you can get to the bottom of it and then decide what you need to do. If he refuses to talk/turns it on you then you have to accept this is what's on offer does it work for you.

He's being very selfish. You've told him that it's important to to you and he's still not considering your feelings. Maybe he is still watching porn.... that could explain why he's gone off sex with you...you've already said you're not happy though and have discussed it with him and he promises to change but never follows through so he's ignoring your needs. As others have said speak with him again about it. He needs to stop giving excuses, you've been more than patient. He needs to tell you what's going on and how he's going to resolve it.

The porn will probably be a factor. It definitely affects the way people respond to sexual stimuli in the real world. I personally think it can be one of the most damaging things to a previously healthy sex life.

It isn't you. It really isn't. I know its hard to accept that when you are being rejected repeatedly. There needs to be a conversation about what is going on here. Its perfectly OK for someone to not want to have sex and say no, whether male or female-but what is not OK is to withdraw all intimacy without explanation.

I think first stop needs to be a conversation about it. Choose a time when sex would be off the cards anyway, when you both have time to sit down and talk. Expect a bit of push back and defensiveness. Try to avoid accusatory or confronting language. It really depends on how he responds as to what happens next.

If his libido has just fallen away (seems unlikely at his age), will he consider a trip to the doctors to check his bloods? Just to rule out there is no underlying problem driving this. If he is otherwise healthy but still his sex drive is so much lower than yours-you have a choice as a couple. Can you compromise or is it over?

By compromise, this doesnt mean he has sex when he doesnt want to. No one should ever be expected to do that. But absence of intimacy, rather than the actual sex, is usually the part that hurts the other partner the most and leads to feelings of rejection and damaging self esteem.

There are definitely things he can do to maintain intimacy without being expected to have sex. Whether this will be enough for you and your needs is personal and its OK if it isnt. That might be a decision you have to make.

You wont really know unless you talk to him. You then can make a choice as to what you want to do.

I really feel for you. Its such a tough position to be in and not easy to navigate these conversations. But at least you will both have a clear idea where you are at. Remember its not you.

Is he Prince Andrew?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He was a 27 year old bloke who fancied and had sex with a 17 year old girl. That would make me question whether his type is simply younger women. It's likely nothing to do with you - your attractiveness and worth don't lie in whether he wants to shag you often or not. I do think the age you were when he met you is quite telling.

I thought this

How old was the girl he cheated on you with?

Maybe a mature woman doesn't do it for him and he likes looking at and wants to have sex with younger girls

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He was a 27 year old bloke who fancied and had sex with a 17 year old girl. That would make me question whether his type is simply younger women. It's likely nothing to do with you - your attractiveness and worth don't lie in whether he wants to shag you often or not. I do think the age you were when he met you is quite telling.

My thoughts too.

Op. Is your partner depressed at all? That's the first thing that sprung to mind.

Are you sure he's not pursuing other (younger) women?

Porn.

Hi and thanks for all your comments guys this has really made me rethink and analyse the situation a bit better. The whole depression thing I will take into consideration when I talk with him for the 100th time. It’s really difficult because he’s like a closed book, a typical man, in the sense where he won’t open up to me which is so frustrating because I really wanna move forward and find out what’s really going on in his head. I’m not really sure if he’s still into younger girls I mean like most men I see him looking at women and girls when they will come on the TV etc but I will ask him, not sure that he’ll be honest with me though, he’ll probably be offended and get all defensive, to be honest it’s not like I look old either I’m still quite young compared to him so if that’s the case and he still fancies girls that are 17 to 25 I think we do in fact have a prince Andrew on our hands. Hope bloody not, that would be weird! I also tried to mention about couples counselling to him randomly while we were having a conversation and he kind of shrugged it off and got all defensive again it’s really difficult because I don’t know how to approach him to even start the conversation again I really wanna do it in a different way this time. I don’t wanna end up becoming frustrated because he’s not listening to me or wanting to change. It’s so hard because we have a son in the middle of all of this and I know it would break his heart and I would look like the baddie who split our family apart, my son has autism aswell so change will really throw him and I know it will effect him badly. :-( also in regards to the porn the time that I actually found porn on his phone I confronted him about it he had the cheek to say he was looking at it to help him in bed with us which quite frankly was like a slap in the face I felt like an excuse really. I don’t think he’s looking at porn anymore he’s quite open with his phone, not that I do ever but then again if a man really wants to be sneaky look at porn they can just delete their history so who knows. I guess right now the only thing I can ask you guys is does anyone know how I can start the conversation with him? I really don’t know how to go about it anymore. I really want to make this work especially as if we do split up I don’t have any family support around me, no friends here, I’ve never known any other relationship, I will be way more worse off financially if he leaves and also scares me the fact that he has nowhere to go because he lives with me. There’s just so many other scary obstacles to cross.

I’m not really sure if he’s still into younger girls I mean like most men I see him looking at women and girls when they will come on the TV etc but I will ask him, not sure that he’ll be honest with me though, he’ll probably be offended and get all defensive

He can be defensive all he likes but it's not healthy or normal for a decent 27 year old bloke to date a 17 year old girl. Well adjusted, nice men in their late twenties don't do that. They really don't. Maybe in years gone by it was more socially acceptable so happened more often but the power imbalance is so huge that it cannot be a healthy dynamic now.

Not suggesting you bring that up with him especially, just pointing out that from the start he's not behaved like a decent bloke and has chosen to be with someone who could have still been in sixth form they were so young, knowing they would be less experienced, more vulnerable and malleable, less financially independent and more naive than a woman his own age. That doesn't happen by accident.

When we first met, like most, we used to have ALOT OF SEX and were very passionate with each other, he practically couldn’t keep his hands off me.

Decent blokes in their twenties don't have the relationship described above with 17 year old girls. He loved shagging someone barely over the legal age when he was nearly 30 at the time.

He sounds like a shit partner OP. Stop worrying about whether you'll look like a goody or baddie and start focusing on whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is making you unhappy. He won't change, this is who he is. When you've raised stuff before he's dismissed, minimised or denied it. So you need to base your decision about your next steps on who he is now, not on who you want him to be.

Better your kids grow up with a mum who is happy, independent and single than witness her lose her confidence year by year while the relationship becomes increasingly toxic. The longer they witness that, the more likely it is they'll replicate it as adults themselves.

You can seek counselling on your own in order to explore what you want for your future and whether it’s in this relationship. You were so young when you met him that much of your identity is going to be tied up in the relationship with him. Talking to a therapist could help you focus on yourself and help you assert yourself at home.

If cheating has crossed your mind, you could have a conversation about getting your needs met elsewhere. Before it becomes a reality. Nothing good comes from feeling undesired long term.

I had this for years, no sign of any attraction towards me. I spoke about it to her about it a few times but it never changed.

Left in the end as she was unwilling to even try. I think she stopped fancying me and I couldn’t live with that for the rest of my life.

This is a common problem I'm afraid, and you'll find plenty of threads on sexless relationships if you search. You may find this article on preventing a sexless relationship helpful. If your partner reallywants to improve things, as opposed to just fobbing you off, he could :

• get a medical check up
• see a sex therapist (many of their clients are men or couples where the man has gone off sex)
• go to couples counselling with you

If he really cares, he may need to put some effort in. Maybe ask him to read that article I linked to?

Here's a similar current thread on a sexless relationship which might help.

It wouldn't even be the lack of sex for me, it would be the refusal to communicate about it that would really do the damage. I've realised as I've got older how important it is to talk, intimacy is as much about talking as sex for me so I couldn't be with someone who was closed off in the way you describe OP.

You asked how you can raise it in a different way, I think I would lead with the fact that you're considering ending the relationship, assuming you haven't gone that far before? I would talk about your own feelings, that you don't feel your needs are being met in the relationship and that he doesn't seem to have any desire to change that. Stick to your own feelings/thoughts and avoid direct criticism of him, make the conversation about you and the effect the lack of intimacy has on you rather than what he does wrong.

And then ask what he thinks the two of you should do, stop talking and let him suggest solutions because you can't solve a problem that isn't coming from you. Ultimately he needs to tell you what the problem actually is, nothing can or will change until that happens. If he can't or won't then, as a PP said, you have your answer and need to start looking at ways to separate.

When we first met I was 17 (very young and Naive,now looking back) and he was 27 at the time so there's a 10 year gap between us both

It's probably not want you want to hear, but there are enormous red flags around a 27 year old man who has a 17 year old girlfriend. When I was at uni, we would have found it a bit dodgy even if a 20 year old our own age went out with a 17 year old. The age gap is a lot at that age, so I just can't imagine a 27 year old doing this. It's so dodgy. A lot of young men would find that a bit dodgy as well.

He might have various different reasons for not wanting sex OP, but if he's still masturbating, I'm guessing it's because he just doesn't see you in a sexual way any more. You are now a mature mother of his children, not quite the teen he was after all those year ago. Grim :/

Sorry to be the one who says it but could it be because he's having sex with someone else?