Should I be doing more?

[Lunar27]

Hi, I was just after some perspective as a friend of my wife said that I needed to do more and to step up. I'd always thought that the way we live was fairly balanced. However I'm now wondering if I've been fooling myself.

I run my own business so typically work 50-60 hours a week. As I work from home I'm able to put washing on/hang outside, tidy round. I probably do about 25%. My youngest goes to sixth form (2 x 1 hour round trips). I take her 3-4 days/week on top of work so often end up working late to make up the time.

My wife works 25 hours/week as she never wanted to go back to full time. She naturally does the other 75% of housework and does the sixth form run when she can. She always cooks but for practical reasons as I don't often finish until 7 ot 8 so we'd eat too late.

Financially I earn 10x more than she does but share everything. Anything we do of significance is decided jointly.

Her friend knows all of this but still called me out for not doing enough, which has thrown me a bit. Although happy to be flamed if IABU. Thanks.

What does your wife think, though?

Get your dc a bus timetable and get home earlier..
And discuss how your household can work so everyone is happier..
.

Seems fair to me at face value, how does your wife feel about how things are divided?

My wife couldn't be happier and loves her life so is just her friend. But she's normally so level headed that it took me off guard.

To be honest I could get a bus for my daughter but it started during covid and I enjoy taking her. They're old before you know it so any time I spend with her, however seemingly mundane, is valuable to me. Plus it gets me out the house.

I'm generally happy too, although knackered most of the time.

As much as you think your wife is happy and loves her life, the only way her friend could know the detail of how much housework and life admin you do versus how much your wife does is if your wife has been discussing it with her. On the basis that people generally don’t discuss that sort of stuff much unless they’re complaining about it, and that their friends don’t generally approach their OHs to tell them they need to step up if the narrative has been only that things are totally brilliant and fair, it seems likely your wife has given her friend an indication that she feels she does more than her share.

You need to ask her whether she feels the labour split is still fair and to be honest with you because you’re more than willing to look at ways to redress the balance.

The only thing you don't mention is how much time you spend with your wife. Do you ever spend leisure time together, date nights, relaxation, affection?

It sounds like a lot of work but no mention of play.

@ComtesseDeSpair

That's a really good point, thanks. I feel like I'm drip feeding now but it came about when we were all having dinner and got talking about cooking. I actually like cooking but don't do it often at all nowadays.

But I accept that my wife might not be as happy as she tells me.

I had considered this but wrote it off mentally as it didn't seem to make sense. For example, it'd be straightforward for me to step up, do half the cooking and 25% more housework. But this would invariably mean her having to work full-time and doing more school runs to balance things out. It doesn't stack up but hence my posting here as other perspectives are really helpful.

@MintJulia

We're affectionate but not, if that makes sense. We are tactile and spend time together but real intimacy is rare as the kids are always around! Great when we have the opportunity but rare nowadays, which is something we're both conscious of.

Who buys Christmas and birthday presents, who scrubs the loo, who cleans the dishwasher, and washing machine filters, who meal plans and who carries the domestic mental load?

It doesn't matter what anyone else wants or thinks
except you and your family. People think my dp should 'do more' but I genuinely hate him cooking or cleaning and it annoys me if he tries! ( unless I'm sick ) they're my jobs and I love them. Previously he had to do alot for himself.

If you're working twice the hours I think it's perfectly reasonable that you're doing half the work, though you won't get told that on here as people will assume you're a man and extrapolate that you must therefore be useless and lazy

I think the split sounds ok as you have described. BUT I definitely think there is a tendency for some men to not see everything that the running of the home involves. You know the invisible boring shit, mental load as another poster mentioned, all the personal admin, bills, appointments etc. It also sounds like you have the option to cherry pick the bits you like such as taking your daughter to school, a privilege your wife may not feel is available to her. Be really honest about what you are really contributing…if it is really 25% that sounds fair given your working hours versus your wife’s and I would defend that position. I would also add that a little bit of recognition and appreciation will go a long way. Show your wife the work she is doing isn’t invisible and you are grateful

I don't think that you should be worrying about what the friend said but rather having a conversation with your wife and seeing if she is happy or if there is anyway you could "improve".

I'm a SAHM to our two small DC while DH works 50ish hours a week, doing a 9-5 and freelance work most evenings. Because of how much he works I'd say we have a similar split of the housework as you do. At the weekends he makes sure to cook at least one of the days and definitely does his fair share of childcare/housework then. Some weeks it doesn't leave a lot of time just for the two of us but we are both shattered.

What I will say is it is the domestic mental load that often gets me. I'm the one organising all the appointments, making sure birthday/Christmas presents are bought, planning family days out, ensuring we catch up with family and friends, remembering important school dates, and sometimes that feels like a lot. I don't think that anything would be remembered/done if I wasn't the one organising it all. So whilst you split the physical household load in what appears to be a fair way, I'd check in and make sure that your wife isn't overwhelmed by the mental load too.

Honestly, this is an opportunity just to check in with your wife and see how she feels about how you've split everything. If she wants you to step up more then don't be hurt or defensive, just try your best to do what you can.

Thanks to all. Much appreciated.

I think the other stuff is biased her way but not all. We don't have a large family so she buys presents for her parents/brother and I take care of mine. Presents for the kids are pretty evenly split as we tend to get different ideas through the year during conversation. She will take care of all the cards though and previously bought all gifts for our friends' kids (not any more as they're all grown up).

I take care of all household bills, sorting out insurances, tax returns, maintenance of the house, DIY but she'll organise most of the social stuff, apart from when we visit my family and friends. She takes care of the garden as I'm useless at that. Yes, she always cleans the bathrooms so I do cherry pick stuff but I'll do some nasty stuff like clearing drains, gutters, plumbing jobs.

Although what I will say is that running my own business is hard work in a different way. She's chosen not to work full-time and I'm happy for her but it places additional pressures on me to make sure I bring enough in and ensure the business keeps on going. Business has been up/down, esp during covid and extremely stressful . I would never, ever let on to her how much pressure I feel as it would make her feel guilty for not working more. But on top of my actual job, I do all the business admin, accounts, marketing, employment etc. I enjoy it but is tough going.

The plus side is it does enable her to holiday with her friends whenever she feels like it and to go away as she pleases (she works at a school so has a lot of time off) on top of our family trips. I feel this downtime may make up, or alleviates, any additional stuff she does that I don't.

For example, it's half term here so she's off to visit a friend for three days. When she gets back she's off again for a spa stay over with some other friends.

We do appreciate each other and make a point of saying it. We both outwardly say were happy too so as far as I know, things are going well but it's just the comment from her friend.

I accept I'm a man and completely blind to some things but I did also wonder if her friend was just stirring it up or being unreasonable.

I think the friend is just stirring it up to be honest but I also think that checking in once in a while about you both doing your fair share is important too. It's important that you both feel valued and not overwhelmed in the day to day running of the house/working/social stuff. To me it does sound as though things are split pretty evenly when you take into consideration both of your work lives.

If your wife only wants to work part time and you are working much longer hours then it’s only fair that she do the larger share of housework cooking etc . That’s common sense .
If she’s unhappy with the status quo maybe she could do more hours , you do less then you can more evenly share out the mundane day to day chores.
I find it weird when women or men don’t want to work then complain that they are doing everything around the house . Like, yeah, that’s how it works isn’t it ?

You are doing more than enough.
I am sorry but the 'mental load' of booking a few appointments and buying the kids presents is in no way comparable to keeping a business afloat
If your wife is unhappy and has been complaining about the split of housework to her friends the first thing I would be doing is sitting her down and suggesting she starts working more hours to take the financial pressure off you (why are you shielding her from this? She's a grown up and should be aware of how you feel, not swanning off on holiday when she feels like it and whinging to her mates about how little you do)
Alternatively, she hasn't said anything to this friend and the woman concerned should have been told in no uncertain terms to keep her shit stirring beak out of your family business.

Ok, so I've had the conversation with my wife and she's not said anything to her friend so was as puzzled as I was. As I mentioned, she says she's happy and whilst things do get on top of her sometimes, would ask if she felt she needed it.

Many thanks for all the comments. I think my main takeaway from this is to check in regularly. My man radar isn't the best so don't always see when she's struggling but perhaps asking/being more observant wouldn't hurt.