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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I overreact by calling the police?

23 replies

Evecob · 17/04/2022 22:49

Hi, I really need some outside insight to this. I feel like I probably overreacted/made things worse and not sure what to do.

My husband the night before got really angry and honestly I cant rememeber what I said to make him mad. He pulled his pants down and farted at me, and took his trousers off and hit them repeatedly on the chair I was on, I think he was telling me I was gaslighting him, emotionally abusing him. All I know is I asked him to stop shouting and being aggressive as it affects me, as he has anger issues (we are both seeking individual and couples therapy at the moment) and triggers me, I got upset and I mentioned splitting up and how it might be best.

The next day I wanted to discuss what happened the night before, he was ignoring the situation, and me. As soon as I asked to discuss it, calmly, he got mad telling me again saying about gaslighting and abusing him he started banging the desk with his fists, intimidating me, i was saying I wasnt doing those things which made him more annoyed. I decided to record from that point on my phone... which i probably shouldnt have done but i felt helpless and fed up....after him shouting for a while more he came close and snatched my phone from my lap, saying "are you recording", i grabbed my phone back but he wouldnt let go, we ended up wrestling for my phone for a good 5 seconds, he was stronger than me and ended up getting it, ran off to another room deleted the video and threw it on the floor. The whole thing had me feeling scared and the scuffle hurt my neck. I picked up my phone and went out and called 999.

2 officers came, 1 spoke to me and 1 to him. My one asked if i wanted to make a statement i said i would think about it, but didnt want to get him in trouble
They ended up sending him away for the night. He didnt try and contact me at all between then. When he came back the next day he told me i had sank to new lows and the police man didnt even know why they had been called, and I manipulated the whole thing. he then started recording everything that I said or did all day.

Honeslty, I feel stupid now... He has done worse (possibly) in the past where he has thrown things and broken things around me and said worse but I have never called the police before. The police will be contacting us again soon and im.not sure what I should do. We have 2 young children, they were not around when these things happened. He already says he wants 50 50 custody, its 2 days later, we are trying to make it work but i feel sick about it all.

Was calling the police an over reaction to this situation? I feel maybe I did exaggerate and make it worse, when it didnt need to go that far. Please any insight would be good.

OP posts:

FavouriteMug · 17/04/2022 22:55

You need to leave him

Dealwithit · 17/04/2022 22:56

Leave now with the children. Go tomorrow. Get your paperwork, anything sentimental and go. This is a highly highly toxic relationship.

Hugasauras · 17/04/2022 22:57

He's an abusive piece of shit. Get you and your children out and if he raises a hand or threatens you in any way, get the police back and follow through this time. Don't let your children grow up like this.

Dealwithit · 17/04/2022 22:58

Oh and yes get him charged via the police and ask the police if they will remove him (do this before you leave - they may help you with a non molestation order and custody of the children short term).

No one pulls their pants down and farts at someone never mind all
The other abuse.

Counselling from now on is on your own. No reconciliation. End it.

Queenie6655 · 17/04/2022 22:59

Awful human

Could have written this word for word

He went on to try and kill me

Press charges please!!!!

Theunamedcat · 17/04/2022 23:05

Undelete the video it should be possible

And talk to the policevhe is escalating

Do not lose your temper when he is recording you

I remember being recorded he would say something nasty then shove the camera in my face to get my abuse recorded

YesitsBess · 17/04/2022 23:06

I'm typing this on a smashed screen from an ex who did similar nonsense. He smashed my phone to stop me calling the police.

You're not over reacting. Get the heck out with your children, get some perspective and get some rest. Don't worry about the 50/50 bollocks right now. They all try that one when they're called out.

Original poster

Evecob · 17/04/2022 23:15

@Theunamedcat

Undelete the video it should be possible

And talk to the policevhe is escalating

Do not lose your temper when he is recording you

I remember being recorded he would say something nasty then shove the camera in my face to get my abuse recorded

I did look to try but not sure how tbh, i have a samsung..

Leaving is so hard. I did try before few months back. But he got worse to live with so I agreed to couples therapy.. I have nowhere else to go, the children have nursery right next door, he wont leave..

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 17/04/2022 23:19

Oh my god. This is horrific. I usually think mumsnet people are very free with their 'LTB's... But in this case, you really do need to leave him.

SummerWhisper · 17/04/2022 23:24

Ignore the advice for you to leave. He should leave under a police escort. Please follow through with your statement and tell them of all the previous abuse. You and the children should stay in your home for their schools and continuity.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2022 23:24

If you truly want to leave, I think you should not be concerned with getting him into trouble. Please consider talking to the police again. He clearly has anger issues and is being abusive. You need to split for your own protection.

Jenasaurus · 17/04/2022 23:24

Method 1. Retrieve Deleted Videos on Samsung from Recycle Bin
On your Samsung phone, tap on the Gallery app.
Tap on the three-dot Settings icon.
Tap Recycle Bin.
You'll see all your recently deleted photos and videos here.
Select the videos you want, and get them back.

Onthedunes · 17/04/2022 23:24

Call Women's Aid.

Any further showdowns call the police and get him removed.

Grey rock him this won't get better, the pants down farting is utter contempt and he's loosing control.

You need to get safe, it's pointless trying to communicate with him, he's not up for it. Is there something that has triggered this episode ?

You both hate one another at the moment, you need to be separated, him by force if needs be.

Log all abuse with the police.
He's gone into twat mode and there's no turning back.

Jenasaurus · 17/04/2022 23:26

or if its just audio recording and not a video

On your phone, please do the following:

From the home screen, swipe either up or down to access apps.
Select Settings.
Select Cloud and Accounts
Tap on Backup and Restore
Select Restore data

YesitsBess · 17/04/2022 23:31

I've been there. Half eleven at night, unless you're in dire straits, isn't a good time to ask for advice.

Unless you or your kids are in danger, sleep tonight's and form a plan tomorrow. If you're in danger then call the police immediately.

If you're somewhere in between then go to a friend or travelodge and regroup.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 00:06

Couples councillors cannot stop an abuser from being abusive.

It is also never recommended with qn abusive partner as they will just use it to further manipulate and gaslight you.

Press charges. And more importantly, get the Heck away from him and stay away.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 00:07

And see about individual counciling for yourself to help you heal once you are out.

Coyoacan · 18/04/2022 00:12

A refuge might be an option, OP. I hear they are not so bad

Original poster

Evecob · 18/04/2022 01:05

@Jenasaurus

Method 1. Retrieve Deleted Videos on Samsung from Recycle Bin On your Samsung phone, tap on the Gallery app. Tap on the three-dot Settings icon. Tap Recycle Bin. You'll see all your recently deleted photos and videos here. Select the videos you want, and get them back.

Thank you i got it... it has him saying he will take the kids and go to the police about me, and admitting to banging shouting and even the scuffle til he switched it off. Will the police listen to it?

OP posts:

TalkingCat · 18/04/2022 02:44

Don't you have a father and/or brother who could heavy him out of the house?

boronia · 18/04/2022 02:51

Your relationship is awful OP, and really damaging for your chilildren.
Please, please find the strength to leave.
Sending you love and support.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/04/2022 03:07

*its 2 days later, we are trying to make it work but i feel sick about it all.’

You might be trying to make it work. He isn’t. He’s still trying to intimidate you, frighten you about custody and minimising what happened.

He is just trying to find a way to work out how to break you so that you do what you are told.

This isn’t a life my love. I know the thought of pressing charges is scary. Terrifying even.

But it won’t be as scary as him staying.

MostlyOk · 18/04/2022 09:14

The whole him taking his trousers off and farting at you sounds like a thing a 10 year old would do. But as an adult, he's doing the only thing he can think of to try and utterly humiliate you. This is way more than 'anger issues', this is terrifying abuse.

I once knew a couple where the guy wasn't physically abusive but he'd have these attacks of rage where he'd do anything he could to humiliate her. One time a few of us girls got together to have a home pedicure. Her husband had left the house and when he came in and found a masseuse (female) massaging his wife's feet, he went ballistic. He picked up a mug of coffee and poured it over her head in front of us all. Thankfully it was at least cold and not boiling hot. Sadly, I was quite young and lacking in confidence at the time so I didn't stand up to him. These days, I would have yelled at him on behalf of my friend. At the time, he stalked out the house and we helped her to get cleaned up.

I've long since lost touch with them but I did a little Facebook stalk a few months ago and they're still together all these years later. Her FB profile is quite open and she honestly looks so sad and hollowed out.

So no, you did not overreact but you need to exit this toxic relationship. It will not get better.

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