When is enough enough?

[Anonymous1103]

I'm conscious that there are many threads out there that focus on this topic, but I'm feeling quite lonely and I would appreciate knowing that there are others out there that identify or empathize.

I've been married nearly four years, and have a little girl who is nearly two years old.

My husband suffers with depression. He's always been a bit up and down, and can get quite angry, but since I got pregnant he seems to have crossed a line. He flips out about the smallest things, sometimes he'll calm down and see that no offense was intended, but other times the arguing can last days. He often cancels plans, when I say something he doesn't like, and when we have a holiday planned he'll say he's not coming, even when it's months away.

I'm exhausted, every time we have a long weekend, or weekend without our little girl he'll start arguements. I feel like I haven't had a proper rest in months.

The main thing I'm struggling with, is how cruel he can be, he often makes fun of me or picks on things he knows I'm struggling with. He calls me names and although he doesn't physical hurt me, he'll get closer to me to intimidate me. He says I'm a nag and that it's my fault. He also flips in the middle of arguments and starts being really remorseful, but never apologises for anything specific ("I'm a horrible person", "I do everything wrong", etc.), if I question what he's sorry for he flips back and we're back to arguing. When the dust settles he promises he'll never do it again.

I'm not saying I don't have a part to play, I do argue back. I'm angry that after months, years, of this behaviour and all the promises, my life is still at the mercy of his mood and his anger.

All this leads me to my question....when is enough enough?

I never imagined bringing up our daughter as a divorced couple, but I keep wondering if it would be best to split now while she's young.

Lovely, this will only get worse. Get out of there, please. He’s abusive.

Enough was enough two years ago when you were pregnant and he crossed the line.

Don't waste any more time.

I could have written your post @Anonymous1103, my XDH got very much nastier when the DC were born, sulking, passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive…it’s taken me a while to find the strength to walk away but we’re now at decree nisi and the freedom from his moods and sour approach to life feels wonderful, it’s not been easy but leaving was definitely the right thing to do, and I wish I’d been able to do it when the kids were younger.

Enough is long past, if you ask me. You really do not have to pander to his moods and you are definitely better splitting while your child is young.

Long past enough.

If he can be that cruel and not shock himself he lacks empathy and that's pretty much what relationships are based on. He's not going to change without extensive psychotherapy and even the chances of that helping are slim. He is abusing you to alleviate his pain, you are his punching bag. You need to get out of this relationship. I would suggest talking to women's aid, you can find their local number on google.

I didn't even read the whole thread before making my decision.
Enough is enough now. X

you are his punching bag

seems a good description.

ExDH suffers terribly with his MH. When we were together he refused to get help for years, and took it out on me in all kinds of ways (although he was never violent). I was like you: I wasn’t prepared to take the shit and argued back.
He refused to get help for years and in the end there was simply no love or respect left. We split amicably and co-parent well. But he still has terrible struggles with his MH which I am still sometimes dragged into - but these days it mostly doesn’t bother me.

Get out while you can. It will never get better.

He sounds awful!! Wow, you've put up with enough... definitely time to leave now!

You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. I would also think he behaves far differently around other people so he can control himself. Pregnancy and or birth are two major flashpoints for abusers to further fully show their true nature.

Do contact Womens Aid here and plan your exit from this abusive marriage with due care.

It sounds wayyyy past enough. He's abusive. Don't bring your child up in this toxic environment. Protect her and leave him.

Just reading what you have to put up with made me sad. Leave him and start living is what I say, and.. give your child a better life for not having to watch and witness his behaviour

If you were single and went on a date someone today who had all these characteristics would you go on a second one? There's your answer.

Long past the when is enough enough stage. You really need to start planning your getaway.

my life is still at the mercy of his mood and his anger

It isn't. You put it at the mercy of those things. Take responsibility. It's up to you to leave.

All this leads me to my question....when is enough enough

You need to take responsibility for answering this question for yourself. Clearly you've had enough, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. So what stops you from saying 'I've had enough', and drives you to ask 'Have I had enough?' instead?

You are well beyond 'enough'. He sounds vile.

And whether or not he suffers depression is irrelevant. Depression doesn't make you an arsehole, which he is. And even if depression is contributing to his poor behaviour, he has a duty to do all he can to manage it - getting all the professional help he can.

But, whatever, his behaviour is vile and it isn't because of depression.

You will feel so much better when you make the decision to split. And as your child is only 2, they won't ever remember anything different.

OP just leave, I put up with it for 7 years and it doesn't ever get better. They promise it will, but it doesn't. My DC were scared or imitating his behaviour and are scarred from it all. Just leave now, my DC are still young enough to heal from the trauma and yours will too.

Your partner is a violent bully and it is a travesty that you are allowing your child to grow up in this environment. You should have left him ages ago.

that was when I knew I had to leave @QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat , when I realised that my DC were starting to talk to me like he did. and as everyone says, it just gets worse over time, never better (or if it is better it's only for a short time before it reverts back).

I know exactly how scary it is OP, I've just done it, but somewhere in you there will be an ounce of strength and anger that will allow you to get away...find that and use it, with help from us, Women's Aid and anyone else you need.