What would you do

[Linda409]

I have been seeing D for five months. He is lovely, very consistent and also reliable and loyal. Thing is he still meets up with his ex wife every month or so. He says this is for the sake of the children, both in their 20’s and one of whom has bi polar. He doesn’t want his wife to know about me as he says she will stop talking to him and this will impact on the children. I suppose it is no skin off my nose but it just doesn’t feel right.
Shall I leave him to it?

How long have they been separated?

I could kind of understand it if the children were young but maybe with the Dc being not nt maybe that's also similar?

The not telling her about you is odd though. When does he propose telling everyone?

Adult children and not telling her about you? Stinks to high heaven.

I'd find it odd, I wouldn't get involved when he's meeting his ex, you're treated as a secret, his children are in their 20's so he has no good reason to keep meeting her and keeping you out the picture. The children are old enough to decide for themselves what they think about your relationship, it's sounds like an excuse to keep you off his back because either somethings going on between them, even if it's just emotionally or he doesn't see a future with you.

They have been divorced for five years! Last time he had a relationship she stopped speaking to him and he said that was bad for his sons mental health. They are going on holiday together in August!
Now I’ve written it down I can see it’s mad.

Step away from this man now. He will never have a successful relationship with anyone new while he's got that relationship with his ex.

As someone with bipolar I can imagine what it might be like for parents. People tend to be diagnosed in their early twenties on average. When someone's first diagnosed they're often really ill, it's very stressful for the whole family. It can take a few years for the right meds to be found etc. Some people don't get back on an even keel.

I could kind of understand it if the children were young but maybe with the Dc being not nt maybe that's also similar?

We're neurotypical, it's 'just' a severe mental illness, where some people lose touch with reality, and all lose the ability to control themselves to some extent.

He doesn’t want his wife to know about me as he says she will stop talking to him and this will impact on the children

This isn't ok of course though. So manipulative of her.

I don't think he is in a time in his life where he's fully available for a relationship. His sick son seems to be his primary focus- which might be as it should be but means he's not really free to have a relationship, especially if there's also a manipulative ex involved.

I would end it - he's trying to take the easy way out by appeasing his wife and hoping you will accept it. It is only 5 months but he should know if he sees some future with you.

I think he’s trying to get back with her, otherwise he’d tell her about you and not give a toss if she stops speaking to him.

This shows you that she is his priority, not you.

The thing about not upsetting grown adult children is bollocks.
If he goes on holiday with her do you really think they won’t be sleeping together ?
And he tells her she’s sexy ?

I think you know you should dump him,op

He is going on holiday with her - that's more than enough reason to end it, that is totally unacceptable.

Run. And I’m saying that as a parent of a 20 year old child, in regular contact with my exh, their dad, to discuss anything related to our child. We coparent well. BUT the boundaries are clear and I cannot imagine going on holiday together or him telling me who I am seeing - and vice versa!

Thanks everyone x I knew the answer really.