Am I the problem?

[Purspectivepulease]

I need outside perspective, please.
I am changing some bits because I think everything together is a lot of info. Anyway;

I don’t know who or where I should seek help from or even if I should at all.

After having children I have felt judged and/or attacked more than I ever have in any way before. I’ve gone from a someone whodidn’t mind a bit of confrontation to having had so much of it lately I have just turned mute and go and have a cry in the house about it.

‘D’M and DMIL saying we get it all wrong, we paid a sleep consultant and they snipped that they could have given us the same advice for £10 yet we took all their advice and it didn’t work, they said to our faces we were doing great then messaging each other about how every little thing was wrong, we got it wrong, wrong burping method, wrong sleep conditions, wrong toys etc

‘Step’ mum has gives little jibes all the time luckily we don’t see often like; XX wasn’t dramatic in labour like that (looking over at me after I’d just told my family how it all happened), sometimes baby’s just cry.. this baby isn’t in pain it’s just crying (I spend 24/7 with my child.. I know), it seems like at every point where the children are upset she gives her opinion then repeats it louder and louder until someone says ok or agrees. Today one is teething and has a nasty cold he spent the whole day under the weather but the second he’s in her arms oh it’s because I fed him a strong tasting food 2 second ago.. baby’s shouldn’t have strong tasting food.

Dad gets really intense over stuff and tries ramming advice down my throat about everything. I said we co slept and he raised his voice and across the room ‘he’ll fall down the stairs and die’ infront of ten bloody family members, he didn’t even ask if we had a baby gate or whether he could reach the door handles?! It’s also apparently going to developmentally affect dc if we send them nursery 3 days a week. I need to quit to look after them.

Work: people have stopped talking to me directly and they now go through my manager as if I’m trying to ask them to do things but I’m not.. I’m just talking to colleagues. Albeit colleagues that I hadn’t met before returning for Matt wave so I was technically new. As an example; someone said they’d finished their task, and to let them know if anyone had any work they needed help with. I did so asked if he had the live of equipment necessary, guy reads it doesn’t answer then he calls our manager and then our manager reads the message then 10 minutes later I get a message from the manager asking why I’m asking this guy if he’s got a piece of equipment, I explain he asked for work and I need help with something and manager said we’re not allocating time for that and started talking about issues that need fixing first (what I needed help with isn’t relevant to this and is on a shorter deadline that the issue he had).. this is all over the team teams chat. All thirst this is happening the guy that had asked for work didn’t engage with me at all during the whole time my manager was asking questions..
Two of the team have now acquired horrid nicknames for everyone (except the big boss, and his sister).
A team member had put in a request to get something changed, when it was done I’d asked if they’d taken a look, I was interested because I thought it was a cool idea and they replied ‘I’m working on XXX other task’ so I just explained I was only wondering if it had worked, they did the same thing the manager said ‘we’re not allocating time for that it’s not important’ I FUCKING KNOW I WAS JUST WONDERING JEEZ.

It’s constant. Everywhere (only with certain people but there seems to be no escape) I go now there is someone that seems to make me feel like shit.

I don’t even know what I want from this, this is obviously not everything just some examples of times lately where I feel like shit or someone has made me feel like shit and I’ve not done anything. I thought it was them because stepmum has always been like a vicious viper but now I’m being affected by someone wherever I go it seems. Or are there just more arseholes?!

How many DC do you have, OP? And how long have you been back at work?
I can hear you're finding everything completely overwhelming. If your child is happy and contented, that's really all that matters but it's shit when you feel like everyone is criticising your parenting. Is there a way you can avoid seeing these people much, and talking about parenting with them? They don't seem to know when to shut up, but opinions are like arseholes, etc etc. Can you distance yourself a bit?

It sounds like since you went on mat leave, the new people have been trained to focus on certain tasks, and them alone, so they are trotting out the same mantra. Also, sometimes people offer to help to look good, but with an expectation that you will say "no thanks" and don't actually want to be taken up on their offer. These types of people exist everywhere so you probably always came across them, but it's bugging you more because of the pressure at home.
I've found that there are times when home life is OK, but work life is crap, but then it can swing the other way. Its hard to deal with it all when both areas are crap in life.
If you can, block out the ramblings of your family, it's just noise and its not helpful, carve your own path there. Would it be possible to go part time at work for a bit? Where is your DH in all this? Does he do 50% of the household jobs as you are back at work?

It's hard but I think you need to block out the noise of your families. They are only opinions OP, as you so tightly said, you are there with your kids all the time. This is your time to make choices with your children and live with them, the grandparents have done their child raising years and so they need to learn to step back. You're doing ok. It sounds to me like you are feeling more sensitive currently so the stuff at work is maybe upsetting you more than normal, and also like you work somewhere quite passive aggressive because people don't communicate directly to you but go through the manager. That understandably sounds frustrating.

Thanks all, that’s a great word you used - overwhelmed - I suppose work is affecting me more than usual because I’ve had nigh on 2 years of little comments saying I/we can’t possibly be right about our own children.

I’ve just worked there a long time and this is new, I’ve never felt like this at work. Of course things had a priority rating before but this is odd, if someone asks for work I’ll of course find something for them whether I manage them or not there’s always work to be done.

Is it an energy thing? I am tired and am giving everything I have to showing up for the babies (2u2), I don’t have much else left for being confrontational or making a stand for myself at work.

This does sound overwhelming and so tiring!

Is there any way to have less contact with the family members, at least for a while? Sounds like you are worn down by their shitty and unnecessary criticism and could use a break from it.

Do you have anywhere to turn to for support? Some outside perspective? Your employer may offer free counseling through an employee assistance program which could give you some support and perspective.

Unfortunately you probably can't change your family members who carp at you about so much stuff. But maybe you could build up your confidence so it rolls off you a little more and you can ignore them.

I strongly suspect you are sharing far too much with your family. They clearly use it against you. You need to put them on a strictly "need to know only" information diet. Stop telling them things. They can't critique and bitch about things they don't know.

You’re not wrong @Aquamarine1029 but when we’re around say 8 members of the family that I’ve been dying to see and get advice/help from and that one/two ass hole(s) are there I’m stuck. I can’t boot them out so I can digest with closer family members who aren’t so narcissistic and judgemental. Or is there a good way of doing this?

Communicate with the ones you like by a different means. Private meetings, phone/video calls, text, email.

Then Id wait.
Wait until you can see the helpful people on their own. Don’t give amunitions to the people who are putting you down. Avoid telling them anything at all tbh.

Wait until you can see the helpful people on their own. Don’t give amunitions to the people who are putting you down. Avoid telling them anything at all tbh.

Exactly. The reality is that you are going to have to create a plan to stop this nonsense, because the arseholes certainly won't stop.