Lonely, sad and stuck

[Starmoonsunlight]

Am feeling very sorry for myself at moment. I just feel like an object that's there for other people's use. My parents have made it very clear they're getting older and I need to be responsible for caring for them. I can't lean on them in any way.

I'm stuck in am awful dysfunctional relationship of 20 plus years that I just can't seem to see a way out of. I'm worn out with coping with him, trying to keep it calm at home and dealing with his rants and obsessions. I can't cope much longer I feel like I'm in a permanent daze. I've been putting a brave face on for years but am aware I'm probably beginning to appear a bit sad. I've become very quiet and withdrawn as I'm struggling to be sociable and maintain conversations. I asked my parents to lend me some money years ago so I could buy him out and he would leave. They refused as they don't want a divorced daughter and think marriage is "hard work" and I should accept it.

All my local friends are his friends too. I can't really confide in them, and I feel siphoned off by them recently as if they're not really interested. I've become very lazy, the garden isn't sorted yet, I do very little apart from the essentials I have no motivation.

Try to keep it together for my lovely DC but I think my daughter is sad too. She's been affected by this weird dysfunctional relationship. Part of my issue with separating is loneliness. He's very charismatic and sociable he'd no doubt get the friends.

Just have never felt so completely alone, I can't just rely on the DC for company, they are getting older and need to develop their own lives and identities. Work is ok and I enjoy the actual job but I'm in a team that's quite bitchy and I don't have anything in common with the rest of them. They know very little about me as I don't want to join in with the bitchiness.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just had a particularly bleak few days and keep crying.

It sounds like he is sucking the energy out of you, so the things you feel won’t get any better until you leave. I think when we are in the middle of these situations we can’t see clearly until we have gone. You will find that you have the energy to be more sociable and make new friends and do things you want to do when you aren’t being weighed down by your current home life. I think the fear of loneliness makes us stay in certain situations far too long, myself included, but being lonely in a relationship is much worse. Does your husband agree there are things wrong?

Yes he does. And every argument he says he's leaving. But I can't afford this house on my own and the financial "offer" he's made me I'd need to get checked out properly by solicitors. It's summing up the energy to grapple with him about all of that which is hard as well. Ideally I'd like to leave, get a smaller house in just my name in a close by but different area. Start afresh. But the thought of trying to buy a house and get a mortgage just feels too overwhelming. Also everyone goes on about what a "great couple" we are. It's all a facade.

I also find nearly everything he does irritating, partly as he's constantly here due to covid and irreversible WFH. He won't ever go back to the office. I know I'm snappy and dismissive with him which is rude but he never stops talking.

Well you sound totally miserable and that’s no way to live. Only you can change things and there’s nothing worse than being lonely with someone than without.

I bet you will feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders if you pluck up the courage to make those changes to go.

You only get one chance at life so go for it - see that Solicitor. What is the worst that can happen?

I agree you will feel a weight has been lifted when you do actually go. It is always painful to split up but sometimes we need to go through short term pain for long term gain. Could a few months of pain due to splitting up really be worse than a lifetime of what you are going through now?

I left my dh. Left the house which was later repossessed.. I have rented ever since leaving. No regrets. That house was a prison. Renting is much easier ime. Don't be stuck op. Get saving and apply to have it court ordered sold.

Your parents can't demand support, especially as they declined to help you escape a miserable situation. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Don't worry about loneliness. Being single is not lonely.

If you can find a decent solicitor, they can help you map out a plan.

It sounds as if leaving him might be good for your daughter.

Why don’t you get a free chat with a solicitor. I found it very empowering.

And you can be lonely in a marriage.

Easy, scrap the parents off, weren’t there in your hour of need. Divorce the husband. Move away with the kids are be happy ever after….or at least you’ll have a decent chance to attempt it!!!

I would think far less of your parents expecting you to care for them. Isn't that what they've scrimped and saved for all their lives? To buy in care and help as needed instead of curtailing your life? Appalling parenting.
Growing old is 'hard work' too. You have to prioritise yourself and they'll have to accept it.
Step right back before it's too late.

You owe your dps absolutely nothing op..

I would disagree with pp saying that being single isn’t lonely.

It can be - especially as presumably you will have some weekends when you won’t have the kids. It’s almost impossible not to lose friends when you divorce, and if he is the life and soul and you seem the perfect couple people won’t necessarily understand why you’re leaving. As a result they might side with him, or at least ‘choose’ him socially once you’ve split up.

I’m not saying this to deter you from leaving, but just being realistic.

So I would play the long game. Try to build yourself a group of friends who are just yours, maybe through joining a group or club or trying to befriend some other mums? Once this is established you’ll be in a better position to leave imo. I think you also need to find out exactly where you’d stand financially so you can make some plans.

I totally understand about not being able to find the energy. I had a bolt out of the blue that spurred me on to leave my marriage, but without that I probably would have trundled on.

Good luck OP, things will get better.

You owe your parents nothing. They wouldn't help you in your hour of need. You are not responsible for them or your husband. Your only responsibility is to you and your DC.

You cannot live the rest of your life like this. Please take steps to leave. You owe it to yourself and your daughter

Instead of thinking of the whole mountain of stuff that entails separation and divorce, think of one tiny thing, so small that it takes no effort at all, that advances you towards your goal, and do that. Then do another small thing and so on. Don't look up at the mountain, eyes on the prize one step at a time.

And get some head phones to drown out his endless talking.