Hi,
First post on here. This may be long, as there’s a lot to the story! I need to know how I can deal with my parents, and their lack of boundaries, it seems.
I am very lucky, that growing up, I never had to worry about money. However, when I got my first full-time job at 18, my parents made it very clear that they wouldn’t be paying for anything. Which I think is fair. They of course helped out here and there, gave me money for birthdays, etc.
I put myself through university, got a job, paid my parents rent etc, whilst studying. They didn’t help with any of the costs (please don’t think I was expecting them to. I knew the deal when I signed up and I completely respect my parents decision to not financially support me.) Anyway, I’m giving you this backstory, to show you that I have been quite financially independent for a number of years now. I am 26, at the moment.
Since meeting my partner five years ago, we’ve been saving up for our first home, which we move into in two weeks! It hasn’t been easy, as we’ve been renting for two years, and the pandemic meant my partner had to get two jobs.
My mum and dad offered to give us £500 towards white goods when we moved into our rented house. It was very kind and we both appreciated it, however, we never asked or implied that we needed it. I assumed it was because my parents wanted to help us and this was a goodwill gesture. In our brand new home, we have all integrated appliances, so will be looking to get rid of the white goods we previously purchased. A family member asked how much we would sell it to them for, and within a heartbeat my mum said (in front of everyone) “just ask (my dad’s name), he paid for it.” I felt myself going bright red and actually walked off, because I was so embarrassed.
I am quite a proud person and I don’t like to talk about money, something my parents installed in me, funnily enough. There have been other occasions when my parents have offered to pay for things, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised, because it’s very kind of them. My dad bought me moving boxes a few weeks ago, and when my uncle came round, he said “ah yes, dad had to buy them for her, of course.” In a horrible, sarcastic tone. My dad offered to pay for our moving van, but I said to my partner that we will just pay for it ourselves.
It’s gotten to the point where I will no longer accept anything from them, as it seems like it will just be thrown back in my face. My MIL is disgusted with it, and would never do this to myself and her son.
I really want to have a conversation with my parents about this - but how?! How do I tell them they are making me feel worthless and like a child. My partner and I have worked so hard to get where we are today, which we have done on our own, yet my parents completely invalidate that hard work when they make comments like that.