Hi all... I want to keep it as brief as possible as it is quite long.
I met my OH November 2012 through Match and we lived 85 miles apart. Spent every weekend and holidays together and by the following July I fell pregnant. OH moved here and we built a life together, eventually buying a house in 2017 where we still live.
My pregnancy left me developing SPD and I struggled towards the end, barely walking and in alot of pain. Ended up on crutches and eventually a wheelchair which luckily I no longer need both of but I still get hip pain. We decided in 2018 to try for another but as soon as I fell pregnant the pain started. I was told it was hormonal and the pain would be worse than 1st time. We heartbreakingly decided to terminate the pregnancy because we weighed up how it would affect us and I didn't want to be left with permanent hip damage.
Naturally I was devastated and my OH went into a shell. He does not deal with any kind of emotion and gets overwhelmed making any choice even if it is a supermarket decision what to have for tea. A year after the termination I found two cards and wrapping paper, labels and a gift card in his work bag from a woman I'd never heard of. The Christmas card was addressed to my OH and son. I confronted OH and he was in shock. It transpired some kind of emotional thing had come off the back of the lost baby trauma and he had been texting someone he worked with and admitted he was confused about his feelings for her. He told her we were not together but lived together.
She was upset when she found out (I emailed her work address that I found online) and my OH was moved to another job by their boss. It feels as though he still has feelings for her although he doesn't say so. He says it happened because he felt guilty. They went on several dates but nothing physical happened.
We tried to fix things but nothing has been the same nearly 3 years after I found out. We haven't slept together for 2 years. He went to a counsellor as I thought and still think he is depressed and he had 4 sessions and left. He seems as though he loves me but doesn't have any confidence or desire to be intimate. He won't talk in depth about this and I always instigate the talks.
I'm lonely. Confused. Sad. I've gained 2 stone since the termination and I don't think I've even fully dealt with it yet. He doesn't want to adopt or marry and I feel I am living a relationship on his terms. We don't have inspiring jobs nor do we go on holiday or explore the world. It is a job to get him to book time off work and be as a family or couple. He does little things for me like cook nice dinners and he hugs, but there is something huge missing from our relationship and I feel as though I am sinking into a put of depression. I don't recognise myself anymore.
He likes to run but I don't really get the time although he insists I can if I want. I don't know what to do or think anymore. I wonder if anyone had any words of wisdom..